There will be a day

The truth is I don’t know what my life would be like had I not suffered trauma at a young age. 

I don’t know what it would be like to not have everything I think and feel go through the filter of being traumatized as a young teen.

 

Would I see myself differently? 

Would I second guess everything I think and say? 

Would I think I am enough? 

Would I see strength or would I just see my weakness?

Would I have confidence in my choices? 

Would I be able to make my own decisions without always overthinking? 

Would I love that sweet little girl I still have inside me?

Would I deny her the love she so desperately needs? 

Would I still feel all this anxiety and fear and strife? 

Would love be enough to keep these hard feelings at bay? 

Would I be free from bondage? 

Would I know my true name? 

Would I feel secure in Jesus?

Would I escape all the negative memories? 

Would I still think love has strings attached? 

Would I still have mental illness? Would I still fight some days just to stay alive? 

Would I feel like I could be doing so much more?

Would I feel like I’m always missing the mark? 

Would I care so much what people think? 

Would there still be all the striving and struggling and fighting? 

Would I have to try so hard to be happy? 

Would I feel safe in my own skin? 

Would I feel like there’s more to my days than just getting through to the next? 

Would my heart more naturally stay in a more positive place? 

Would I be able to see beauty within and around me?

The truth is I won’t know if these things would be different had I not had abuse at a young age. 

I don’t have the answers to all of this pain. 

I don’t know if I would still have the tormenting thoughts and anguish and fear. 

I do know that there is someone who always hears my hearts cry before I even speak a word. 

He especially sees me on those days I feel paralyzed by my woundedness.

I wonder when I see Him face to face if I will ask Him if He can tell me how it would have be different?

I don’t know if I will care. 

I think I’ll be so happy to fall into His arms and not have to fight so hard. 

I think I’ll be joyful to see the face of the One who has seen me through so many dark days.  

I’ll tell Him how much different my life was because He just loved me.

I’ll tell Him I’m so thankful that He helped me through. 

I’ll have that long awaited embrace that I’ve so often longed for. 

I’ll feel all these questions melt away as I become whole and happy and free. 

I’ll heal more on this side of heaven I’m sure. God knows how hard I try to let Him in. 

Over time I’ll find freedom and health and be able to fully rejoice in His name. 

One day I’ll know my worth and see through eyes that aren’t shadowed by pain. 

One day I’ll surrender fully and I’ll be filled peace instead of strife. 

One day I’ll receive all the confidence that I’ve been in constant pursuit of. 

One day I won’t have to grapple for truth, because I have Truth Himself. 

I don’t think when I see Him face to face that I will need to know anymore. 

I think I’ll have all I’ve ever needed. 

Well some days I think I know that. 

Sometimes I just wrestle with my humanness and the devil that pursues to consume me. 

Sometimes I rest on my Jesus and everything feels ok again. 

I’m not sure what it would look like to not see life through the lenses of trauma but I do know there will be a day that I won’t have to care anymore because I’ll have a new mind and a new heart.  

I’ll no longer live in the shadow of affliction. 

Someday I’ll find myself on the other side.

It will be just me and Jesus and all this other stuff will go away. 

I’ll soak in His presence without the constant battle. 

Some days I’m able to really press into Jesus and with His help I’m able to let Him heal more of me.

Some days I just see all the strife. 

Some days there’s no sadness 

Some days I have hope.

The more I lean into Jesus and His promises I see His truth and goodness for me.  

The more I lean in the more He leans into me and the closer we become. 

The more I seek His face the more whole I become.

Someday I won’t have to worry about all this. 

I’ll be one with Jesus and none of this will matter.

One day I’ll have deep deep healing and joy and I pray that those days are more and more on this side of heaven. 

I’ll praise Jesus for all my days and there will be no more pain, no more suffering. 

I long for those days today and always.   

Searing pain

Trauma has a way of weaving itself into every fiber of our being. 

It torments our thoughts, pollutes our feelings, and covers us with a blanket of shame that can feel suffocating.   

It breaks down our identity, clouds our sense of self. 

It lies to us, tricks us, and confuses us.  

It’s downright brutal. 

It sets up fires in the basement of our hearts and demands that we feed it day and night. 

The effects slowly creep into our no hearts and minds and become darn near impossible to snuff out. 

Its embers are so hot they can burn holes clean through our souls. 

The fire beckons us to come close. 

It’s as if the flames are begging to burn us up. 

They echo together, “You aren’t enough”. 

We cling desperately to the ladder, frantic to get out of the basement. 

If only we could climb the stairs and find our footing. 

We fight but we are weary. 

We fall, landing in the blistering heat of agony.

Our spirits crushed by the scorching flames of heartbreak and sorrow. 

Eventually it becomes hard to breathe. 

The smoke invades our lungs. 

Soot covers everything we see. 

Somewhere in the rubble we lose our hope. 

We succumb to the heat.

The fire suffocates any trace of life. 

It’s a grueling fight over life and death. 

Jesus knows the depth of searing pain that we suffer.

He knows the flames that tear right through our heart, 

breaking us wide open.  

He knows what it is to be wounded.

He knows what it is to be marred by someone else's sin.

He bore our sin on His back in the form of the cross, carrying us even unto death. 

His basement was the cross and our scorning was the flame. 

He too had His heart shattered.    

Even Jesus needed His Father to navigate the cross. 

He too has felt the anguish of the world’s harm.  

He loved us unto death despite our rejection. 

He walked straight through the fire just to get to us. 

Death doesn't get the final say. 

Jesus rose again on the third day.

His life blood pulses through our veins. 

We are freed from the clutches of death. 

Hope has come. We don’t have to live in the basement anymore. . 

His greatest pain became God's greatest glory.

Could it be that our greatest sorrows can become His greatest glory too? 

tragic experience he is enough

 Today while driving home from work I found my mind taken back to a tragic experience when I was just 13 years old. Before I realized it the memories had unwound like an old broken cassette tape. Anxiety washed over me and I was overwhelmed with grief for that young girl.

In the midst of this a worship song came on the radio and I found myself singing as tears welled up and fell down my face. Tears that don’t come easily or often for me.
I was reminded in that moment that He too remembers. He too wept with me then and He weeps with me now. I felt the Holy space of shared experience, of being together, then and now.
As I sang I offered my broken heart to Jesus as a love song to Him and also for me. We have this sacred bond together, this knowing of every good and every bad that has ever crossed our path.
I sensed a deep knowing of His presence with me.
I use to often wonder how He could have allowed this awful experience if He was such a loving God. For the most part I have come to accept and have peace in knowing He never promised us to be without heartache or tragedy. He promises to be with us. He offers His love to us. He brings hope that can rise from the ashes.
That for the most part has become enough for me, but even when it’s not He understands that too.
In the depths of our souls where brokenness lies in jagged pieces He too is there. He knows.
Sometimes all we can offer Him is a broken heart, and when we are able we can whisper a quiet broken hallelujah for who He is and was. He will take either.
All that matters to Him is to know and have our hearts and for us to know and have His.
To anyone who knows what this specific brokenness feels like my heart is with you and you are not alone. He hears you, He knows the cry of your heart, then and now and He longs to fill it.
You may wonder why I would share such a personal intimate dark experience on Facebook. I believe
by bringing darkness to light, by exposing it the light can overcome it and set us free. I also feel that satan wants us to keep things hidden so it doesn’t come into the light and receive healing. I want people to know they aren’t the only one and they aren’t alone.
If you find yourself needing someone to listen and hear you… please message me. I will listen and feel with you. You are not alone.
PS I’ve had a couple people ask if they could share it.. by all means share If it can help even one it’s for His glory

Sacred Spot

Earlier tonight I went to Danville for a fundraiser banquet that my friend had invited me to. Oddly enough Siri decided to take me home a different route than I had come.
I found myself rounding the dark corners of some super sharp curvy roads and I knew where this route was taking me.  You see this was the same road I had found myself on one dark night over 25 years ago as a terrified 13 year old little girl.  That night I had babysat super late and the dad was taking me home. Instead of taking me home though he sped past my house and drove for what felt like forever around corner after corner of dark winding curvy roads.
My mind went back to that dark scary night...
He had pulled into a little pull off driveway close to the road that had a chain across it to keep people from going any further. I remember thinking I could try to get out and get away. I was too scared though of the dark and too afraid no one would find me. I couldn't see what was around us and I had no idea where we were.
That night that man stripped every ounce of innocence and naivety known to me.
I sobbed, I begged. I prayed.   I wept uncontrollably and begged over and over and over for him to stop.  The more I cried the meaner he became. I remember him telling me to shut up and that no one could hear me crying.  At the same time in my head I said over and over to God,  "God please save me, please don't let me die, please make him stop. Please make it stop. I pleaded, I begged, and I bargained with God and told Him that if He would just save me I would love Him forever.

Tonight as I rounded curve after curve I recounted detail after detail. Only this time was different. As I drove the song "Amazing Grace" played on  KLOVE.  I remembered and I sang.  As I sang I felt the incredible overwhelming presence of Jesus Christ in that car with me.
I did not feel the common feelings that I have in the past when remembering. There was no sick stomach, no anxiety, no pain. The more I sang, the more I cried, the more I felt, the more I saw Jesus. This time the tears running down my cheek were tears of joy and love for my Jesus. I heard Him say to me... "Look at the way I have preserved your life".

And I sang "... the God who called me here below, wilt be forever mine...".

It was dark the night I was raped, so I couldn't see much around me. Many months later I rode down that road again but this time in broad daylight with a police officer. He wanted to document the site where it had happened.  What I saw was that the little pull off road that that man had parked his car in was literally less than 10 feet from the cliff that made it's way down to the Kentucky River. That man was drunk and violent and he could have easily killed me, dumped me,  and it would have been over.
Oh but God. He saved me.
So tonight as I drove over the kentucky river bridge I pulled into that little drive. It's all covered with tall greenery and there's a big rock kind of blocking it. I could barely get my car in there to park. I got out of my car and I marveled at God's mercy, His unending love, His goodness. I felt as though I was standing on Holy Ground. Thinking back... yeah I was. I mean that's the very spot that caused me year after year to cling to Jesus. It's the very spot where I first knew of my need for Him. It's the spot that changed everything. Some for the bad, some for the good. It's the "spot" that has allowed God His greatest Glory in my life.
I took pictures and I thanked Him over and over and I soaked in the presence of Jesus in that moment.

Isn't it just like Him though to take us to the place of our greatest pain in order to show us His greatest love?

This is the spot. That's the guard rail to the right that protects you from going down off the cliff. That rock now blocks the gravel road so you can't drive in there further.

That was it. The spot where my heart was ripped out, my body bruised, my spirit broken.
It was no doubt the spot where I started the most gut wrenching journey I have ever walked.
But dare I say it is also the very spot where Jesus and I became one?

Tonight I look at that spot and I see the spot that my Savior met me at so many years ago.
My body exposed, my heart laid open. The most vulnerable moments of my life, This is where He met me. Those vulnerable gruesome feelings of violation were not new to Him. He endured them all on the cross. He knew exactly what I was experiencing first hand from His gruesome moments. He too with His heart laid wide open, His body exposed, beaten and bruised. He too questioned His Father and asked Him to save Him. He knew all too well the pain and yet again He chose to go there with me. He and I, we became one in those moments. I never realized to the depth I did tonight how incredibly sacred hose moments between He and I were. At the time I didn't feel Him or see Him. To know just a tiny speck of a glimpse of what He felt, and to experience it with Him, I consider that a gift. It's a huge example to me of how God brings good from evil. Satan meant for that night to crush me. He wanted it to separate me from Jesus. God in His incredible love uses those very things that hurt us the most to bring us the closest to Him though. I know that there isn't anything else in my life that has brought me closer to the face of Jesus than my sorrows.

God is the Ruler of all, the One who holds the whole world in His hands.  He as King has all power, ability and authority to crush us with just one look.  Instead He turns his face towards us.
That night by the river He could have easily hid His face. He could have turned away and decided I could go it alone. He could have chosen to wait and come to me once it was over. He could have just been there for me in the days and weeks and months and years to come. Instead, He entered into my pain. He felt what I felt. I felt what He felt.  He and I became one.

I picture the vision God gave me last year again so clearly in my head. I had asked Him where He was that night while I lay there naked and alone.  Once again I see His body as a shield between me and that man. I see God's eyes piercing into me.  I see that man's hands go through the sides and back of Jesus to touch me. I hear Jesus's sweet words ringing in my ear....
"NOTHING touched you that didn't first touch Me."

Who does that? Who chooses to enter into the ugliest, darkest, messiest places with us?
Jesus, oh but only Jesus.  The Jesus who decided that it wasn't enough to just be "with" me during the most terrifying moments of my life but instead He chose to bear them with me.  My cries were not unheard. They were intertwine with the tears of my Father. Our tears ran together. We became one.  My pain became His pain.  Sacred moments. Gut wrenching moments that bring me to the feet of Jesus again and again.

For in my deepest need I was met with His greatest love.

My greatest pain has become His greatest glory.  He has used my brokeness as a means of love and intimacy with Him.  He has restored and redeemed.

I am reminded that in God's deepest pain (loss of His one and only son) He showed us His greatest love. His pain became our means to love and intimacy with Him. Jesus's deepest pain (the cross) became THE greatest redemption.

I type these words and tears of joy sting my face. Healing tears. Grateful tears. Tears of awe and wonder. Oh how He loves me. Oh how loves you.   He does so much more than just save. He indeed saved my life. I indeed love Him forever. He honored my measly pitiful bargain yet He has done so much more.

He has restored the years the locust have eaten. He reached down and pulled me out of the pit of despair, out of the mire and clay. He has restored my soul, for His namesake. Yeh though I walk through the valley and the shadow of death I will fear no evil. My God is with me. He is mighty to save. He quiets me with His love. He rejoices over me with singing. He has turned my mourning into dancing. He has loved me with an everlasting love. Though my heart and my flesh fail God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.  I would have lost heart unless I had known I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life.  He has given me beauty for ashes, strength for fear. Gladness for mourning and peace for despair.  God is my redeemer, my Savior, my Best Friend. He's my Abba, my Morning Star, the Lifter of my head.  He is my Prince of Peace and the Lover of my Soul.  He gives me strength when all my strength is gone. He is merciful and slow to anger. He dances over me with rejoicing. He restores my soul. What satan meant for evil God has used for Good.  He brings good from evil because He loves me and I am called to His purposes.  He has given me hope where there was no hope. He has restored the ruins of my heart and has given me a new song. He will never leave me nor forsake me. He knows my coming; He knows my going and He is acquainted with all my ways. There is no where I can go from His presence. He has a plan for my life. He is glorified through my suffering. He died so that I can live. He gave Himself up for me. He is full of grace and everything good and beautiful.

I am His chosen one, His beloved and He is mine.  He is my Shepherd and I am His little Lamb.  I am precious in His sight and He honors me. I am an oak of righteousness. I am called according to His purposes to bring Him glory. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. He has sent me to heal the brokenhearted. I have all I need for life and godliness in Him. When I am weak He is strong. When I am weary He picks me up. He takes hold of my hand and says to me "Do not fear, I will help you". He is my beginning and my end.

He's my healer, my Faithful One. He's my heavenly Daddy and He's all I need. He knows me inside and out and He loves me still. He sees me for who I really am.  He understands my human frame and He has compassion on me. He is well pleased with me and He is for me. He is Faithful. He is Trustworthy. He is Long-suffering . He sees me. He knows me. He gets me. He feels me. He is in me. He is One with me. He has chosen me. I am the apple of His eye. I am the 1 in the 99. He pursues me. He woes me. His eyes are on me. He cares for me. I am never alone. The ocean can not overcome me and the flames cannot not scorch me. I am strong. I am courageous.  I was created by a loving Father, MY father.  He is my Strength and my Shield. He is my Rock and my Salvation. He is not far from me.  He covers me in the shelter of His wings. He is my breath, He is my Life. I am complete in Him. I am more than a conqueror because of Christ Jesus. I can do all things through Him.  I will take heart because my God has overcome the world. The enemy can't have me. I've been bought. I've been paid for. I have freedom through Christ. The truth sets me free and I am free indeed! I have been restored.  I am no longer a slave to fear. I am a child of God. I am the daughter of the Most High. I am a new creation. The old has gone. God sees me as forgiven, beautiful, restored, whole. I am empowered by Jesus. Satan has no hold on me. I belong to Jesus. God has a purpose and plan for my life. My story is His story.  My story is not over. My hope is in Him. My peace comes from Him. He is my firm foundation. I will not be moved.  I do not fear the future. My God is in control. I am surrendered to Him. I am no longer my own but it is Christ who lives in me. My hope is in Him. In Him I have victory! The Hope of Glory!

As I neared my house tonight the scripture that I clung to so many years ago echoed in my heart:
"I have loved you with an everlasting love. I will build you again and you will be rebuilt."
Indeed He has. He keeps His promises.

I linked below the version of "Amazing Grace" that was playing on my radio tonight as I drove around those curvy roads during my divine encounter with the Holy Spirit.... listen at the link below and be blessed.  I prayed for every one of you tonight who will read this. My prayer is for you to know how deep, how wide, how great the love of the Father is for YOU. I pray that you will know the Truth and the Truth will set you free, just as it is setting me free.

Amazing Grace by Chris Tomlin:
https://youtu.be/Jbe7OruLk8I

When grief rolls in

Sometimes grief rolls in like a tidal wave.  It washes over us and engulfs ones being in just seconds and all is consumed.
In the ocean the tide rolls out as fast as it rolls in.

In the sea of grief, the tide often lingers.  It scatters and surrounds and soaks in and what once felt clear seems muddled and muted.  Grief begs to be noticed. If we ignore our losses, on the surface grief seems to disappear... but it doesn't really.  It soaks down deep into the depth of our soul and hides out there.

I've had my share of losses, and lately I've felt the Lord beckoning me back into the ocean. Calling me into the sea of grief.  I feel the tide coming in, the waves beating against my feet. When that tide rolls back out into the sea my losses are tossed up on the shore.  It feels as though grief has saturated my very essence and it's begging to be heard, to be felt, to come up out of the depths and be exposed. I know it's God calling me out,  and though I resist I know it's safe to enter in with Him. 

"Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
    I have called you by name, you are mine.
2 When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
    and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;
when you walk through fire you shall not be burned,
    and the flame shall not consume you."  Isaiah 43:1-2

I've spent more than half my lifetime stuffing feelings and controlling emotions. I've built up an army of false beliefs and self protection. I've also spent more than half my life seeking God's healing and longing for more freedom.  God has been faithful to heal and restore and break through brokenness as I surrender it to Him. Lately He has placed His finger in a dark corner in my heart, beckoning for me to let Him in so He can shine His light on my losses.  I've struggled to surrender. It's scary to face things kept hidden. 

The tide rolls in and grief washes over me. I walk the shore with my Jesus. We talk about things from many years ago. The tide rolls back into the sea and I watch. I look and I see what God has tossed upon  the shore.  I reach down,  pick one up.  One by one I count my losses. I examine them, and hold them to the Light of God's love.  I sit with my God and we linger there in the moment. We talk about things that were taken from me.  I open my hands to my Healer.  I ask Him what I need to keep and what I need to toss back in the sea. I feel the weight of my losses. He whispers to me "Child I will restore to you all that satan has taken from you.  It's in those moments that He enters into my sorrow. We remember together. We feel and we grieve. He and I, we become one. He enters into my pain. It's in those moments I am changed.

"I will restore to you the years the locust have eaten." Joel 2:25

“Yes, I have loved you with an everlasting love;
Therefore with loving kindness I have drawn you.
4 Again I will build you, and you shall be rebuilt. Jeremiah 31:3

I can trust my Father because He has proven His love to me time and time again. He has a perfect track record. He's never let me down.

 Father I ask You to give me confidence to trust and not fear, to feel and not cover up or close off, to embrace your Truth and not default to lies. I ask you Father to restore me and bring me into greater freedom in You. Redeem me from false beliefs, doubt and disappointment. Allow me to embrace who I am, who's I am, and who I am becoming.
Thank You for being with me on my journey, for making my story for Your glory, and for making me capable and able to work through, to recover and heal. You are my Everlasting Peace, my Redeemer. Thank you for Your favor, your promises, Your steadfast love. Thank you for for not discarding my broken pieces, but instead You create beauty from the ashes. You waste nothing and You restore everything. 

Isaiah 63:1-3

The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,
    because the Lord has anointed me
    to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
    to proclaim freedom for the captives
    and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor
    and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,

    and provide for those who grieve in Zion—to bestow on them a crown of beauty
    instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
    instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
    instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
    a planting of the Lord
    for the display of his splendor.

God you are so Faithful. Thank for what You've done, are doing, and will do.  All the glory and all my love to you!

Clay to life

I sit and ponder the words written by Laura Beach in her new book Rhythms of Restoration...

She's talking about our grief being like quicksand under our feet, the further we try to escape it the deeper in we go. And the idea that what if we ask and allow God to enter our mud and mire and clay, is it possible that maybe He can take it and mold it and shape it into something He can breathe life into? She says, "If God formed humanity by scooping dirt out of the earth, can't it be done again? Can't God reach into the pit, the tomb, the darkness of our grief and pull us out to breathe life into us?" Just as He did with Jesus on Calvary?  

And I think, and I pray, Jesus is this what you are doing with me right now? Could it be?  I look at my life, I look at the rape, the way the dirt and muck got on me and so much of my life has felt like that sinking sand. 

Right now I'm in a process of unpacking the memories, the good and the bad, in hopes of drawing nearer to Jesus, in hopes of a greater love life with Him, and in hopes of finding myself again. There is this longing inside me to be whole, to trust again, to allow God to be on His throne and allow Him to protect and provide  for me. 

I have been venturing into the pages of my journals from when I was a teenager. I am getting to know this girl in these pages and I'm awed at how much I like her. I look at the things she endured, I read the details of things forgotten and I am wowed that she got through it. I marvel at the way she prayed for people, the way she interceded for their salvation, their healing, she prayed for the man that raped her, she prayed that he would find God's love because she recognized how lost he was. She prayed for her mom who was so lost in her own inability to accept love.  She prayed for the hurting. I notice how this girl has this courage, she tells people about Jesus, she stands up for justice even when she knows she will pay for it, she tells others about what happened and how God was there and how God got her through... even as a young teen I started telling my story. And I think, what guts, she knew the cost and she went after things anyways. She was passionate, she had this zeal for life, for Jesus, she was hungry to know Him and to really be His... What stubbornness she had yet what strength she had.
And I find myself asking "where did she go? Is that still me?  I still long for healing for the hurting. I still pray with great longing for healing for the people I love. Yet there's a big part of me though that realizes some of her is gone.  Satan took what wasn't his to take and some of who I was is truly gone and yet other parts of me are buried in that tomb. Some is tangled in lies. I am pretty certain I'm one of the very weakest people I know. I mean I'm hardly consistent with anything..... I struggle with bipolar depression, I have a house that's often caving in on me because I stink at keeping it up...... and yet there's this longing, this desire to embrace HER as ME. I want to know her, I want to find her again but most of all I want to BE me. I want to know who I am and be confident again. I'm reminded of how very much the rape took from me. Satan stole so much from me, and I want it BACK. 

I feel like I'm finally giving God permission to roll the stone away and He is slowly moving it. It isn't without pain. In fact it's super painful to have the light shinning in when I've been hiding in darkness for so long. My eyes are squinting at the light, trying to look into it but mostly having to look away still. God is so tender and patient though, so full of compassion for me. I feel that. 

 I see the darkness, the pit of despair I felt as that young girl having been raped. I realize that I in many ways have spent a lifetime locked up with the mistrust, the shattered self-esteem, the lies, the questions.  I was mistaken to think that if they are hidden in the dark corners of my mind that they are safe for the keeping. I bought into the lie that I need to protect myself, that I need to make others love me, that I need to make sure my husband takes care of me.  I have found myself lost in all the sin of and emptiness of filling my heart with so many things that have no ability to provide for me the things my heart desperately needs, and my God so desperately longs to give. 

And then, there in the midst of it all, in the very heart of the darkness, in all the ugly places I don't even dare go myself I find Jesus. Not just His presence around me but God Himself. He breathes life and in a moment the darkness is invaded with the most glorious light: Jesus Himself.  He enters in my darkness, enters my darkness that only I know. He enters only when I let Him. It all looks differently when God's love enters in. He is giving me back what satan has stolen. One of my favorite life verses is coming to life... "He will restore the years the locust have eaten".  He Will restore all that satan has stolen. He wills to take my mud and mire and shape something beautiful.
He isn't just taking the pretty parts and adding them up to eventually make something good, no He takes the yuck, the broken pieces, the quicksand, the sand that burnt right into my feet, and He forms it into something beautiful. He breathes life into lifeless places.  He's giving back to me pleasant memories, He's restoring to me the strength He placed in me, He's building me up again and restoring my confidence. Much of this I haven't yet seen but I see it forming and am confident He will continue to do it.
It amazes me that out of all of the pieces of my life He picks the darkest, hardest, most dirty pieces to breathe His life into and make something beautiful out of.
I'm pretty certain that as He rolls that stone away He's going to help me find ME, the me I was, but more importantly the me I am now. It's going to be beautiful. I just know it, cause I know Him. 

Part of the journey

Tomorrow morning I will be speaking to the Embrace women's group who meets at GCF. I will be sharing my story. It's been a crazy week and I am just today sitting down to prepare for tomorrow. As someone who likes to write/journal I do my best thinking through writing (or in this case typing). I get my thoughts out and I am able to process.

Writing has always been a safe thing for me. I began journaling when I was in 6th grade I think, but I began really writing after I was raped when I was 13. Writing became a time with God. It was something that felt safe but also helped me not feel alone. Most of my journaling over those next 8 years or so (before I had kids haha) were in the form of prayers to Jesus. Spending that time with Him, unhindered, without insecurity and worry of what people thought, I felt most myself. 

So today as I struggle to figure out just what I want to focus on and what I want to speak about tomorrow I find my way back to writing. 

I have found in the past I don't do so well at writing out notes, doing bullet points or steps when I share my story. When I do steps/notes I find myself getting distracted by them by trying to stay in order and it tends to actually distract my focus enough to make it choppy. I tend to write out notes and points so that they are more organized in my head but don't follow them when I speak.  But, today I'm a little concerned about just winging it considering I've been struggling with depression for the last month. I find I'm not as focused, things feel "foggy" and I worry that I won't remember important things or won't keep my train of thought as well. Depression in general tends to make me feel insecure and less confident. I feel more disconnected to people during this time. That's not optimal for speaking in a group! 

So, I pray. I pray that God gives me just the words He wants me to speak. I pray that He gives me clarity and sharpness to speak clearly and keep my mind on track. Then I trust. I trust that He knows what He has planned for tomorrow and He knows what He wants to speak through me and I trust that He will equip me to carry that out. 

It's not just my story, It's HIS story. It's all His story.

His story of creating this beautiful girl. He created me with a heart that loved to care for the sick and hurting, He created me with a desire to encourage people and gave me this crazy love for babies. He created me with a heart to love Him.  

Sadly, I bought into the lies of the world and thought I wasn't worth much. I allowed the shame and dirty feelings of being raped to shape my thoughts about myself. I allowed childhood abuse and brokeneness in my family to tell me that I wasn't important, that I was a bother and that I was a problem. Satan stole from me. He robbed me of much of my childhood and he tried to get me to believe I wasn't worth anything.  It's a regular struggle for me. 

But being a child of God, he can't take that away. No matter what he did to me or has caused, no matter how many lies he plants he cannot take away the TRUTH. The truth that I am a beautiful child of God, that I was created for God's pleasure and good purposes, that I was bought with a price and that I was more than able to overcome and victor over ALL of the traps and lies that satan threw at me.  I play a crutial rule in all this though: I can choose to believe the lies of satan and allow them to cripple and paralyse me OR I can say NO and I choose Jesus. When I choose truth and proclaim it all of those things have no power over me. They just fall right off of me.  I find speaking scripture out loud when I can't seem to speak truth or fight lies helps me to come to the place of saying YES to Jesus and No to satan's lies. 

The more I seek the truth, the more I seek the face of Jesus, the more I can embrace His love for me and His freedom and grace the more the chains fall off and the more alive I become. 

There is so much CHOICE. I can choose to pity that girl that had a crummy thing happen to her, I can pity the woman who struggles with bipolar illness, I can pity the woman who fights just to stay alive or I can choose to embrace her and love her and live in the truth that God loves her and God has compassion for her. 

God knows us. He knows right where we are. 

It's my choose if I choose to believe the lies and believe that I am not capable to overcome my struggles and my brokeness or it is my choice if I choose to embrace Jesus, embrace that beautiful girl that He has made me to be. Embrace the true person that I am. Embrace myself in my brokeness and pain and see myself as I truly am: Broken and beautiful yet being made whole in Christ minute by minute day by day. 

We have a choice. We can look at our struggles and see all the defeat and give in to it or we can look at our struggles and see Jesus and ask Him to walk through it with us so we can live true, be ourselves, embrace all that He died to give us and believe that we can do all things through God who gives us strength. 

Satan has stolen much from me yet he couldn't take my life and he can't prevent God from giving back to me that he has taken. God restores the years the locust have eaten. God restores the brokenhearted and He binds up their wounds. 

So much hurt, so much rejection, so much pain. Yet so much love, so much hope, so much redemption, so much gain. 

God has shown me that some of my greatest struggles have become my greatest treasures because they bring me to His feet, they nail me to His cross, they allow me to be intimate with Him in a way I can't touch without all that pain. 

I would like to say that I have complete healing from my bipolar disorder, that I have complete healing from being raped, from having a broken abusive home life, from painful marriage struggles, but I can't say that. What I can say is that I have had much healing, deep deep healing in so many of these areas and I am not without hope that there is much more to come. I am speaking out of a place of currently struggling with depression yet I speak with Hope. Hope because I know that I know that I know that I am NEVER alone, that I will never be overcome by these things because I have a God who loves me, a God who is deeply aquainted with my pain, that chooses to join into my brokeness with me and a God who LOVES to be with me... even in my messy places, even when I don't have it all together and find myself often having temper tantrums and fits over where I'm at with depression right now. He just wants us, right where we are, brokeness included, sin and ugliness included. He sees the beautiful person He has created and the person we are to become. He isn't hindered in His love for us the way we are with ourselves and each other. His love has no bounds. Praise God! 

Some of the things that I feel have been most important in my healing journey thus far:

1-I had to ask God to show me where He was at when I was raped. I didn't want Him to see me in that place. I didn't want Him to see me naked and helpless. But I had to allow Him into that horrid place in order to allow His love and truth and healing to penetrate my heart and bring healing. God showed me that He was right there, He was a literal human shield between that man and I and nothing went through that man's hands to me that didn't first go through the body of Jesus. He showed me that His eyes were on me and that He saw my naked body but it was beautiful and pure and innocent. His tears flowed with my tears. We were one. He chose to go there with me, in my darkest hour He chose to share my pain and he bore my shame. It took 24 years for me to allow God to take me back to that night with Him and to allow God to take my shame and show me what He really saw. 

2-I am never alone. Knowing God chose to be so incredibly close and intimate with me during the hardest most horrid experience of my life helps me realize and know that He is always going to be there. It gives me Hope when I'm in the midst of depression to know that God wants to be with me. He wants to share in our struggles, share our pain, He longs for us to let Him go there into the depts with us. He will only go where we invite Him though, He won't force Himself anywhere He hasn't been invited.
3-Satan loves secrecy and works his hardest to keep our pain and hurt hidden in the dark.  If he can keep us silent he can keep us bound in shame and fear and he uses that silence and shame to cripple and eventually paralyse. If he can keep us silent he tricks us into believing that we will never get better, that we will never get over our past pain and hurt. If we speak out, if we bring that darkness into the light the light overcomes the darkness. Satan finds that incredibly threatening. Whatever is hidden in the dark stays bound up in the dark, but whatever we expose to the light, the truth, to God's love and healing, it is overcome by light and the darkness is expelled. We must use our voice to speak out for ourselves and to speak out for those who have no voice. Speaking the truth is powerful.
4-I am beautiful and God treasures me on my best of days, and my very worst of days. Right now I am in the midst of a depression. During low times I often feel I am not measuring up and feel as though I am constantly failing.  BUT the truth is, I am a beautiful child of God, and He is just as pleased with me today as he is on my very best days. Just because I feel I don't have much to give doesn't mean I am not worth much. He bases His worth on who He is and who He made me to be. He says that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. He says that I am His beloved, His bride, He says that I am worth dying for.  And more than that He wants me to believe who He says I am, even when I don't feel it, even when everything screaming in my ear says that I stink, He wants me to look at His Word, His truth and claim it.  He wants me to take the authority He's given me and fight it and send those lies back where they came from. I'm working on this. I often wrestle with lies and feel I don't measure up but God is helping me make progress and He's showing me that it's not about being perfect, it's about making progress with Him. Progress not perfection.
5-I have a choice. When lies come I can choose to fight them with God's word. When depression comes I can choose to fight it and not lay down and give in. When failures seem to pile up and I feel less than I have a choice. I can choose to see myself through God's eyes or I can give in and pity myself and allow satan to rob me of the freedom Jesus died to give. Realizing I can choose how I respond to what life throws at me has been a huge huge step towards healing and health for me. It's one I have to learn in deeper ways day by day but it has been a huge agent of change for me.
So much more I'm learning...... off to make some notes that I probably won't follow tomorrow. HA!