There will be a day

The truth is I don’t know what my life would be like had I not suffered trauma at a young age. 

I don’t know what it would be like to not have everything I think and feel go through the filter of being traumatized as a young teen.

 

Would I see myself differently? 

Would I second guess everything I think and say? 

Would I think I am enough? 

Would I see strength or would I just see my weakness?

Would I have confidence in my choices? 

Would I be able to make my own decisions without always overthinking? 

Would I love that sweet little girl I still have inside me?

Would I deny her the love she so desperately needs? 

Would I still feel all this anxiety and fear and strife? 

Would love be enough to keep these hard feelings at bay? 

Would I be free from bondage? 

Would I know my true name? 

Would I feel secure in Jesus?

Would I escape all the negative memories? 

Would I still think love has strings attached? 

Would I still have mental illness? Would I still fight some days just to stay alive? 

Would I feel like I could be doing so much more?

Would I feel like I’m always missing the mark? 

Would I care so much what people think? 

Would there still be all the striving and struggling and fighting? 

Would I have to try so hard to be happy? 

Would I feel safe in my own skin? 

Would I feel like there’s more to my days than just getting through to the next? 

Would my heart more naturally stay in a more positive place? 

Would I be able to see beauty within and around me?

The truth is I won’t know if these things would be different had I not had abuse at a young age. 

I don’t have the answers to all of this pain. 

I don’t know if I would still have the tormenting thoughts and anguish and fear. 

I do know that there is someone who always hears my hearts cry before I even speak a word. 

He especially sees me on those days I feel paralyzed by my woundedness.

I wonder when I see Him face to face if I will ask Him if He can tell me how it would have be different?

I don’t know if I will care. 

I think I’ll be so happy to fall into His arms and not have to fight so hard. 

I think I’ll be joyful to see the face of the One who has seen me through so many dark days.  

I’ll tell Him how much different my life was because He just loved me.

I’ll tell Him I’m so thankful that He helped me through. 

I’ll have that long awaited embrace that I’ve so often longed for. 

I’ll feel all these questions melt away as I become whole and happy and free. 

I’ll heal more on this side of heaven I’m sure. God knows how hard I try to let Him in. 

Over time I’ll find freedom and health and be able to fully rejoice in His name. 

One day I’ll know my worth and see through eyes that aren’t shadowed by pain. 

One day I’ll surrender fully and I’ll be filled peace instead of strife. 

One day I’ll receive all the confidence that I’ve been in constant pursuit of. 

One day I won’t have to grapple for truth, because I have Truth Himself. 

I don’t think when I see Him face to face that I will need to know anymore. 

I think I’ll have all I’ve ever needed. 

Well some days I think I know that. 

Sometimes I just wrestle with my humanness and the devil that pursues to consume me. 

Sometimes I rest on my Jesus and everything feels ok again. 

I’m not sure what it would look like to not see life through the lenses of trauma but I do know there will be a day that I won’t have to care anymore because I’ll have a new mind and a new heart.  

I’ll no longer live in the shadow of affliction. 

Someday I’ll find myself on the other side.

It will be just me and Jesus and all this other stuff will go away. 

I’ll soak in His presence without the constant battle. 

Some days I’m able to really press into Jesus and with His help I’m able to let Him heal more of me.

Some days I just see all the strife. 

Some days there’s no sadness 

Some days I have hope.

The more I lean into Jesus and His promises I see His truth and goodness for me.  

The more I lean in the more He leans into me and the closer we become. 

The more I seek His face the more whole I become.

Someday I won’t have to worry about all this. 

I’ll be one with Jesus and none of this will matter.

One day I’ll have deep deep healing and joy and I pray that those days are more and more on this side of heaven. 

I’ll praise Jesus for all my days and there will be no more pain, no more suffering. 

I long for those days today and always.