Thursday, August 16, 2012

Jesus, I just need Jesus

Jesus you are my Rock and my Salvation, You are the lifter of my head. You are my Morning Star and you are my Helper, my Healer, my Redeemer.
 Allow me Jesus to be a living light for you as I walk through yet again another season of dark.  I cannot see you so clearly right now Jesus but I will not be overcome. I will not give up.
Though the mountains be shaken and the hills removed yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed, says the Lord who has compassion for you. Isaiah 54:10
You are able to carry me through. Jesus be my guide, I put you on Jesus and I beg of you to be my eyes, to keep me steady. Be my shield when I am vulnerable and exposed. Jesus you are able to heal me, heal me quickly. Lord I don't know what that looks like to You but I believe that you have my best in mind. It's scary Lord, to sense my mind slipping a bit. I cannot think right, oh Jesus give me clarity of mind. I need your mind Jesus. I can't form my words right, Jesus be my mouth, my advocate, be my voice when I can't find my own.
Though I feel weak, You be my strength. Though I am stumbling through feelings that do not reflect the truth, Be Lord over my feelings, put the pieces right. Your Word stands strong, even when I am weak and weary. Help me to speak your Word even when pain makes the words feel hollow and lifeless.  They are strong enough to help me hang on and to carry me through. 
My mind and my emotions, at war against themselves. Depression, void, numb, under water, cant breath, and then the cycle flips and my mind goes wild. Manic and obsessive, my thoughts that they all come at the same time, each shouting above each other, screaming to be heard, but not one makes sense to me, they all run together. Then the cycle continues and I am back at the hurt, the grief. I can make No sense of it all. There just isn't.
How do I connect to my God that seems to have hidden Himself? Oh Lord where is my ever present help in times of trouble. Oh yes you are there, I've known it before.  You  feel  quite distant right now, though not pitch dark, because I can see that you must here now.  I ask Jesus that you keep me from getting any closer to the dark, please Jesus let me atleast know the things to be true about You, about me, even when it's not understood.
Night is like day to you. Oh let me see that day. Again the dark isn't yet so dark, I can sleep, I can wake, I can function much better than I normally do when feeling this way. The pain that presses down heavy at times lifts up, reducing the pressure and I feel somewhat ok.
Father be my Rock, Be my peace when peace seems to have gone away. Beat this anxiety out of my body, open my lungs and let me breathe you in deep. Jesus be my strength, put your shield around me, protect me from myself.
Father your love, your love is what I'm needing, to find, to embrace, to be changed by, your love, that's what sets me free. Hold me Jesus, just sit with me awhile. Save me with your love. I wait for You, feels so long to wait for You. The days are long, boring, can hardly stand how slow they are. I long to be out of here. This dungeon of void that I cannot push through or find the way out. Come Quickly Lord Jesus, come to my aid.
You are there, You are Love, You are able. You will, You are. You will save me, You are, You are saving me. You heal, You are healing. I cry out to you. Come quickly Jesus and change thing heart and mind.
"I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them. Isaiah 42:15
Jesus sometimes I feel forsaken. I am not. I feel so alone. Feel seperated by you, alone from my friends. I am not alone. Remind me. Do not pity me, Do not let others pity me.
My body hurts, my muscles ache. My body is fatigued. The depression hurts the soul but it also physically hurts. Heal me Lord.
"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Jesus I feel crushed by darkness. Save me. I know you have. Your cross has saved me.
You have given me through medicine some relief, much relief most of the time. But Lord for a long while it has seemed to work against me with all the side effects. The blurred vision can be paralyzing, scary, humbling. I can't seem to figure out meals and things that can help relieve that. My mind works against itself, I am tired, the medicines that are there to help me cause additional struggles, ones I haven't had much relief from.
Jesus in all of this, I still will praise you. You still are good. I can't see it much in the dark but I know it to be true and I will thank you. For all of this, though it makes no sense, I will thank you. You MUST have purpose, please Jesus have purpose for all of this suffering.
I love you, I rely on you. See me through and bring the wonderful gift of a deeper work, a deeper understanding, deeper trust, the gift that you always always bring on the other side of all this. Thank you for that hope. I wait on you, what a hard thing, but I have nothing but to wait.
My heart's cry....
I waited patiently for the LORD; he turned to me and heard my cry. 2 He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. 3 He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear and put their trust in the LORD... Though I am poor and afflicted, the Lord will have regard for me. You are my helper and my deliverer; do not tarry, O my God.
Isaiah 40:1-3, 18-19


  1. as I read your post..I started crying at some have echoed s one of my exact thoughts and words that I have thought or said today..talking to God today..I'm so glad that you wrote out of obedience ...God has a funny way of using other people at the right time..thanks Becky for your obedience...Jennifer drinkard

  2. Jennifer, I love your honesty. You are in the cleft of the rock protected by Him. Prayed for you.