Sunday, January 30, 2011

David cried out.

This week has been hard. Externally as well as internally. Most of it I don't want to share and don't understand anyway. But as David cried out to God, I found myself relating to his broken heart. It's a comfort to read the psalms and realize God was present with David in those times just as He is with me. I'm crying out to Him and I KNOW He listens and He is with me.

The kids have been sick off and on for over a week, my husband was sick. I hadn't had much sleep and I was weary. Washing bowl after bowl, sheet after sheet, I haven't even been able to catch the laundry up without sickness so it's out of control now.

Last night when all the kids were down, medicine holding the sickness at bay for a bit. I stepped out onto our deck and felt the crisp cool air. The peace, the sweet reminder of Jesus's quiet love. It's something I use to do a lot as a teen. I would cry out to God and feel His presence even in the midst of confusion and pain. The darkness and quietness outside felt soothing. I felt close to Jesus even when I was hurting and confused.
I found myself going back, trying to make sense of things. Things aren't sensible.
This depression hangs over me like a dark cloud, it comes and goes without any warning. This week it lingered and I've been reaching to Jesus, trying to grasp His love, His grace, as much as my mind allows my heart to believe right now. My legs feel heavy, my house feels like it's caving in around me. When I think I can see the floor of the laundry room I remember there are full baskets upstairs in each bedroom. There's stuff everywhere. It's making me crazy but I don't know how to get rid of the clutter. It's been years of surviving. I want to enjoy my kids, engage with them. When I am feeling well I do, and I can. When depression hits everything seems bad.

Because I rapid-cycle I often teeter back and forth between many emotions even in the same day. Other times I go for months feeling good.
I'm struggling to accept myself when I don't feel well. I feel guilty that I can't pull myself out of it and sad that God doesn't. I resent the continual battle for my brain to be healthy. For my mind to see things clearly, to not be hindered. I don't understand it.

Satan torments me with thoughts about what those around me must think. Then other times he torments me with thoughts that no one around me does think of me. I feel Jesus close with me, but when I hurt I feel otherwise alone. I don't want to be a burden to others, and when I feel blah I don't want anyone else anyway.

This isn't the way I envisioned my future. I wanted easy, happy, loving, ministering and encouraging. Instead I feel I can't do anything well. I feel more of a mess than anything. I feel like a self pity, loathing, can't see beyond my own self, negative blah blah blah
Then I feel guilty and anxious that I give in to those lies, that I can't receive grace and truth instead.

When God speaks to me, it's real. When I see His love and His grace it's real. When I talk or show or blog about the good stuff, it's all real. So please don't think those are sugar-coated not true experiences, they are, He is. I just loose all that when I'm not feeling well. It's still there, the beauty deep inside. I know it is. I know that is who I am. I just discount all that when I'm not feeling like myself.

Please pray for me when you think of me. I want to be a blessing, I want to give thanks instead of seeing the bad. I want to be the beautiful loving peaceful and joyful person that I know that I am. I just wish I could see it all the time.
I hate this part of the sickness. I hate the inconsistency and the struggle for balance.

Last week I realized that when I'm feeling well I do accomplish a lot and there are lots of beautiful full times. I am praying for God to help me remember those times and hang in there when I'm down.

I want myself back.. not just sometimes, I want reality and truth all the time.
I want Jesus.

In my quest for being transparent, allowing myself to be real and trying to show others that they are not alone, I'm posting this.

I'm not good at engaging my emotions when I talk with people but writing is such a blessing to me. It's a gift to be able to get my thoughts and feeling out in writing. It's one of the ways Jesus shows Himself to me and heals me.

I know God loves me, I know His grace is for me. I'm getting tastes of it and I'm learning to recognize His grace. I'm clinging to Him as well as I can and I know He's holding on to me, as much as I will let Him. I'm so thankful He walks it all with me.


  1. Anonymous30/1/11

    My darling Becky,
    I love you so much, more than you could ever know. Or maybe you do, now that you are mother yourself. My heart and soul aches for you. I wish in some way that I could lighten the burden and pain that you feel in you heart and soul. My tears today are for you, and I send my prayers your way. I love you so much, and it hurts me to see and hear that you are in such pain. You are such a beautiful person (inside and out). You are a loving and caring daughter to me, to your family and to all who know you. Your faith is so strong and so real, and our loving Father looks down on you and he smiles and says "well done my good and faithful servant. Please don't worry about the eyes or the words of the world. We are all sinners in one way or another. We all have shortcomings. Some people are just better at covering them up. You have been made perfect in our Lord Jesus Christ. And that is all that matters. Mom

  2. Hello Becky,
    I am sorry that you are struggling so right now. I love praying for you and your family. Just the other day I was rejoicing to the Father about what a blessing you are to me...especially in regards to your joyfully supporting your husband in his schooling right now. He uses you in ways I am sure you have no idea, Becky, not only in my life but in the lives of others as well.

    Thank you for all of the sweet sweet comments you've been leaving for me, both here and at my blog.

    Will be checking back with you soon!


  3. Anonymous31/1/11

    I feel kind of similar to you and your feelings. Just know your not alone and that you handle your feelings well you get them out, and you dont act on them. I am in the process of seeking jesus as well. I look up to you, I prayed for the weight to be lifted off of your shoulders, I dont know you well, but we are family. I feel like I know you just reading this blog. It was on my face book. Becky hang in there you are a blessing and you help more people than you even know. Jesus loves us and will never leave our side even when we feel like he is not there.

  4. Thank you all. I was blessed by your words and things felt a little lighter knowing people are praying for me. you are all very precious to me. Thank you.

  5. Becky,

    I'd like to remind you of stuff you already know about your Heavenly Father...demonstrated for all to see in the life of His Son, Jesus.

    God loves you and accepts you APART FROM your performance. If you were a better housekeeper, a better mom or a better wife, it wouldn't make Him love you more. You wouldn't suddenly be "in His good graces" because of it. He loves you, because you're His.

    As a recovering perfectionist, I find this truth one of the most challenging and profound things about God. Like everyone else, I'm constantly battling the thought that I should work harder, try harder to get God to yelp a cosmic, "YES!" I don't have to do that. Because God loves me apart from my performance.

    That's part of the mixture we call "grace." And it's part of God's way of relating to us (sinful, dreadful, rebellious people that we are). He loves us, because we're His.

    Thank you for having a heart that WANTS to please God and that wants to walk in obedience! In many ways, that's all God asks for...surrender.

    Just wanted you to know I read your full blog today - and thought I'd post to say as much. Thank you!

  6. Max, thank you. Your reply is just what I needed to hear. Thank you for reminding me of Why He loves me, and for helping me along on this walk of grace, as my pastor and also a friend. Your love and obedience to Jesus is a gift. Thank you.