This week has been hard. Externally as well as internally. Most of it I don't want to share and don't understand anyway. But as David cried out to God, I found myself relating to his broken heart. It's a comfort to read the psalms and realize God was present with David in those times just as He is with me. http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Psalm+69-70&version=NIV I'm crying out to Him and I KNOW He listens and He is with me.
The kids have been sick off and on for over a week, my husband was sick. I hadn't had much sleep and I was weary. Washing bowl after bowl, sheet after sheet, I haven't even been able to catch the laundry up without sickness so it's out of control now.
Last night when all the kids were down, medicine holding the sickness at bay for a bit. I stepped out onto our deck and felt the crisp cool air. The peace, the sweet reminder of Jesus's quiet love. It's something I use to do a lot as a teen. I would cry out to God and feel His presence even in the midst of confusion and pain. The darkness and quietness outside felt soothing. I felt close to Jesus even when I was hurting and confused.
I found myself going back, trying to make sense of things. Things aren't sensible.
This depression hangs over me like a dark cloud, it comes and goes without any warning. This week it lingered and I've been reaching to Jesus, trying to grasp His love, His grace, as much as my mind allows my heart to believe right now. My legs feel heavy, my house feels like it's caving in around me. When I think I can see the floor of the laundry room I remember there are full baskets upstairs in each bedroom. There's stuff everywhere. It's making me crazy but I don't know how to get rid of the clutter. It's been years of surviving. I want to enjoy my kids, engage with them. When I am feeling well I do, and I can. When depression hits everything seems bad.
Because I rapid-cycle I often teeter back and forth between many emotions even in the same day. Other times I go for months feeling good.
I'm struggling to accept myself when I don't feel well. I feel guilty that I can't pull myself out of it and sad that God doesn't. I resent the continual battle for my brain to be healthy. For my mind to see things clearly, to not be hindered. I don't understand it.
Satan torments me with thoughts about what those around me must think. Then other times he torments me with thoughts that no one around me does think of me. I feel Jesus close with me, but when I hurt I feel otherwise alone. I don't want to be a burden to others, and when I feel blah I don't want anyone else anyway.
This isn't the way I envisioned my future. I wanted easy, happy, loving, ministering and encouraging. Instead I feel I can't do anything well. I feel more of a mess than anything. I feel like a self pity, loathing, can't see beyond my own self, negative blah blah blah
Then I feel guilty and anxious that I give in to those lies, that I can't receive grace and truth instead.
When God speaks to me, it's real. When I see His love and His grace it's real. When I talk or show or blog about the good stuff, it's all real. So please don't think those are sugar-coated not true experiences, they are, He is. I just loose all that when I'm not feeling well. It's still there, the beauty deep inside. I know it is. I know that is who I am. I just discount all that when I'm not feeling like myself.
Please pray for me when you think of me. I want to be a blessing, I want to give thanks instead of seeing the bad. I want to be the beautiful loving peaceful and joyful person that I know that I am. I just wish I could see it all the time.
I hate this part of the sickness. I hate the inconsistency and the struggle for balance.
Last week I realized that when I'm feeling well I do accomplish a lot and there are lots of beautiful full times. I am praying for God to help me remember those times and hang in there when I'm down.
I want myself back.. not just sometimes, I want reality and truth all the time.
I want Jesus.
In my quest for being transparent, allowing myself to be real and trying to show others that they are not alone, I'm posting this.
I'm not good at engaging my emotions when I talk with people but writing is such a blessing to me. It's a gift to be able to get my thoughts and feeling out in writing. It's one of the ways Jesus shows Himself to me and heals me.
I know God loves me, I know His grace is for me. I'm getting tastes of it and I'm learning to recognize His grace. I'm clinging to Him as well as I can and I know He's holding on to me, as much as I will let Him. I'm so thankful He walks it all with me.