Clay to life

I sit and ponder the words written by Laura Beach in her new book Rhythms of Restoration...

She's talking about our grief being like quicksand under our feet, the further we try to escape it the deeper in we go. And the idea that what if we ask and allow God to enter our mud and mire and clay, is it possible that maybe He can take it and mold it and shape it into something He can breathe life into? She says, "If God formed humanity by scooping dirt out of the earth, can't it be done again? Can't God reach into the pit, the tomb, the darkness of our grief and pull us out to breathe life into us?" Just as He did with Jesus on Calvary?  

And I think, and I pray, Jesus is this what you are doing with me right now? Could it be?  I look at my life, I look at the rape, the way the dirt and muck got on me and so much of my life has felt like that sinking sand. 

Right now I'm in a process of unpacking the memories, the good and the bad, in hopes of drawing nearer to Jesus, in hopes of a greater love life with Him, and in hopes of finding myself again. There is this longing inside me to be whole, to trust again, to allow God to be on His throne and allow Him to protect and provide  for me. 

I have been venturing into the pages of my journals from when I was a teenager. I am getting to know this girl in these pages and I'm awed at how much I like her. I look at the things she endured, I read the details of things forgotten and I am wowed that she got through it. I marvel at the way she prayed for people, the way she interceded for their salvation, their healing, she prayed for the man that raped her, she prayed that he would find God's love because she recognized how lost he was. She prayed for her mom who was so lost in her own inability to accept love.  She prayed for the hurting. I notice how this girl has this courage, she tells people about Jesus, she stands up for justice even when she knows she will pay for it, she tells others about what happened and how God was there and how God got her through... even as a young teen I started telling my story. And I think, what guts, she knew the cost and she went after things anyways. She was passionate, she had this zeal for life, for Jesus, she was hungry to know Him and to really be His... What stubbornness she had yet what strength she had.
And I find myself asking "where did she go? Is that still me?  I still long for healing for the hurting. I still pray with great longing for healing for the people I love. Yet there's a big part of me though that realizes some of her is gone.  Satan took what wasn't his to take and some of who I was is truly gone and yet other parts of me are buried in that tomb. Some is tangled in lies. I am pretty certain I'm one of the very weakest people I know. I mean I'm hardly consistent with anything..... I struggle with bipolar depression, I have a house that's often caving in on me because I stink at keeping it up...... and yet there's this longing, this desire to embrace HER as ME. I want to know her, I want to find her again but most of all I want to BE me. I want to know who I am and be confident again. I'm reminded of how very much the rape took from me. Satan stole so much from me, and I want it BACK. 

I feel like I'm finally giving God permission to roll the stone away and He is slowly moving it. It isn't without pain. In fact it's super painful to have the light shinning in when I've been hiding in darkness for so long. My eyes are squinting at the light, trying to look into it but mostly having to look away still. God is so tender and patient though, so full of compassion for me. I feel that. 

 I see the darkness, the pit of despair I felt as that young girl having been raped. I realize that I in many ways have spent a lifetime locked up with the mistrust, the shattered self-esteem, the lies, the questions.  I was mistaken to think that if they are hidden in the dark corners of my mind that they are safe for the keeping. I bought into the lie that I need to protect myself, that I need to make others love me, that I need to make sure my husband takes care of me.  I have found myself lost in all the sin of and emptiness of filling my heart with so many things that have no ability to provide for me the things my heart desperately needs, and my God so desperately longs to give. 

And then, there in the midst of it all, in the very heart of the darkness, in all the ugly places I don't even dare go myself I find Jesus. Not just His presence around me but God Himself. He breathes life and in a moment the darkness is invaded with the most glorious light: Jesus Himself.  He enters in my darkness, enters my darkness that only I know. He enters only when I let Him. It all looks differently when God's love enters in. He is giving me back what satan has stolen. One of my favorite life verses is coming to life... "He will restore the years the locust have eaten".  He Will restore all that satan has stolen. He wills to take my mud and mire and shape something beautiful.
He isn't just taking the pretty parts and adding them up to eventually make something good, no He takes the yuck, the broken pieces, the quicksand, the sand that burnt right into my feet, and He forms it into something beautiful. He breathes life into lifeless places.  He's giving back to me pleasant memories, He's restoring to me the strength He placed in me, He's building me up again and restoring my confidence. Much of this I haven't yet seen but I see it forming and am confident He will continue to do it.
It amazes me that out of all of the pieces of my life He picks the darkest, hardest, most dirty pieces to breathe His life into and make something beautiful out of.
I'm pretty certain that as He rolls that stone away He's going to help me find ME, the me I was, but more importantly the me I am now. It's going to be beautiful. I just know it, cause I know Him.