Slow growing of light and slow growing of hope

 June 20th 2021. 

Last year I thought there was something really wrong with me. I felt like I was a horrible child of God, because instead of being like other people who say Jesus turned their life around I felt like my life was being turned upside down. I blamed Jesus for not changing it and not getting me out of the death trap I was in. I couldn’t see Him and I couldn’t feel Him anymore and began to wonder if He was real anymore. All I could see was darkness and the dark seem to drown away any bits of hope and light.

Thankfully I can say that some of that darkness has dissipated and the light has started to shine in and I can see again that life is worth living. Sometimes though I still have those doubts that mustard seed faith that wonders where God is at and if he even really cares about me.
I wonder how often we may feel that. it’s not like I’m in some bright light where the darkness was, it’s more a slow growing of light and a slow growing of hope.
It’s like when the sun rises and there’s darkness and light competing and sunrises are beautiful. It wasn’t that way in the midst of those pitch black nights and months, I couldn’t see anything. He wasn’t changing though, He was still there if I believed it or not. That’s what makes His love so amazing. It’s unchanging and isn’t based on our feelings, thoughts or faithfulness.
I couldn’t see Him in the midst of my brokenness and grief but as He brings me through it and we can look back and see that he was still there. I think that’s where I’m transitioning.. from that place where dark competes with light and the light shines through no matter how dark it is. That’s the way Jesus is He’s a bright light in our darkness and even when we can only see dark he still there. That’s the struggle for me to know that He is there even when it seems completely dark and desperate and hopeless. I didn’t think I would make it but somehow I have and that has to be the grace and love of Jesus.
I couldn’t get myself there alone. I couldn’t do anything for myself. I’m thankful that when everything feels lost and hopeless He’s there and at some point His light breaks through. I don’t know what makes Him show himself sometimes and not other times and I don’t know why the struggle is so hard I guess that’s where I expect him to prevent hard things and he doesn’t say that he’ll do that. He does say he’ll be with me always, no matter how it feels. I have to learn that. My life isn’t going to be easy, none of our lives are easy but it can be better and it can be hopeful because Jesus is there. Sometimes I wish I had been more trusting, more hopeful, but I wasn’t and yet somehow God is still here and he still loves me. I think of Psalms 23 that says the Lord is my shepherd I shall not want he makes me to lie down in green pastures he restores my soul though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil for the rod and thy staff they comfort me. I felt much fear. I wasn’t void of fear or pain but I made it through and I’m making progress. I have to remind myself it’s s process and that doesn’t bother God. He’s in it for the long haul… for me… for us