He was never lost nor was I ever lost.

 Feb, 2nd 2022. 

Middle of the night muesings about Jesus and I during dark times.

I’ve spent the better part of this last year trying to find my way back to Jesus again.

The year before last was brutal and as I got caught in the crossfire I began to feel as if everything I knew about who Jesus was, was like sand slipping through my fingers, one tiny grain at a time. Each time I bottomed out, it felt as though I lost a piece of myself, a piece of reality. Each desperate moment, I felt as if I was losing my Jesus.

I had some really off the wall thoughts that the enemy tormented me with for a time…

I thought that I must find my way back to Him. I must earn my place back in line with others. I must make my way towards Him again so He will love me as much as He use to. My mind was on a constant loop of negative thoughts about how lost from Him I had become.

I would wonder how I would find my way back. There was so much rubble, so many ashes to sift through.

I’ve spent a lot of time trying to find out what needs put back together.

I’ve had questions like “ How can a God who is present allow such deep suffering”. “How can a child of God feel completely abandoned by a God who never leaves and always stays”. In a lot of ways those questions are still unanswered but they aren’t misunderstood by Him. He that endured the cross, even unto death, He knew the sting of feeling abandoned.

It’s been my prayer for me to allow Jesus to heal the hurt that came from feeling like I had lost Him.

In this process I’ve found many things. The most surprising has been that He was never lost nor was I ever lost.

I’ve had to go back to the basics and ask myself who I believe God to be and if I believe He is who He says He is.

I still believe He is a present God, never skipping out on us, never leaving or abandoning us even when it gets pitch black dark in the depths of our souls. He stays. My heart knows this to be true, it

had just forgotten.

I didn’t see or feel or know where He was during that time, it was way too dark all around me. But it doesn’t change who and where He was. Neither of us were lost to one another, though it felt very much like we were.

This has been a confusing learning process. I have learned that I cannot go by my feelings when it comes to who Or where I think Jesus is.

The more I go back to the basic principles about who I believe Jesus to be the more I realize how present He was then, and is now.

He that endured the cross for my pain and suffering, He that bore my sin and shame out of His great love for me… He surely endured along side of me all that I had experienced.

He and I were never lost. The dark was just in the way. Both internally and externally.

I’ve had a lot of losses through that dark year. Lots of lost time with my family, loss of joy and purpose, lots of memory issues from ECT treatments, but nothing could have prepared me for the loss my heart would suffer. I lost pieces of myself, pieces that I’ve wondered if they will ever be found again. I tell my spirit I must trust that God will gently restore what needs restored. One of my favorite verses is “He will restore the years the locust have eaten” He surely has in the past, and He isn’t changing so I can count on it in the future.

If I believe who He says He is, which is always with me then He and I were still one through the piercing pain of pure hopelessness. His tenderness and love towards me only intensified in my greatest need.

He has been just as present during the dark days as He is present on the brightest clearest days. In fact I may argue that He was even closer.

Im learning that I don’t need to find my way back, I just need to look up and redirect my gaze back to Him. His eyes are already on me. And best of all, He doesn’t change.

“And provide for those who grieve in Zion – to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor.” Isaiah 63:3

“he heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds.” Ps 147:3

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you or forsake you” (Deuteronomy 31:6)