Depression takes everything

 Feb. 20, 2021

Most people know that when someone is depressed they lose interest in things. What some people have a hard time understanding is how incredibly painful that boredom is. It hurts so bad yet we still have absolutely no interest in ANYTHING so we continue to wallow in the boredom that is such a companion to depression. Again this isn’t your normal boredom, it’s this void, this darkness and lack of all enjoyment of living. It eats away at any fun you could try to muster up. I could never explain it adequately.
This long long episode of depression that I’m just starting to come out of lasted over a year. I remember back to some dark dark days, many of them and one of the hardest parts was having no desire to live or thrive or engage in anything.
This episode of depression my husband, close friends, and therapist all encouraged me to try something different, something I didn’t think I could do. They encouraged me to make a choice, or many choices. A choice to not cut, a choice to live, a choice to get out of bed every day, a choice...
Normally I wait until the depression is lifting to start living again. This was so scary and I was sure I would fail but somehow, slowly I’m finding myself coming alive again and it feels so good. So scary yes, but so good.
One way I know I’m starting to get better is I picked up sewing again this week after a year and a half break. I also find myself engaging with my kids more and just noticing things I wasn’t noticing before. I care about my life again.
I have to pace myself and that’s one of the hardest things for me. I’m usually all in or all out. I want to live more balanced and I’m hopeful with my therapist and all the skills she is teaching me (DBT), and all the support I have from my family and friends that I’ll keep moving forward. One of my biggest fears is falling into depression again. That was a consideration when thinking about going to school again. My therapist told me if I base my decision on that I will miss out on a lot of great things in my life. So true.

If you’ve cheered me on or prayed, please keep on... and thank you so so much.
Yesterday I was sewing and looked over to see this on the wall. Sarah made it for me this year. That makes me sad that the kids have to endure my illness but also thankful that God has sustained me. He truly has.