Right now I'm trying to live in the moment. That's such a hard thing for me. I find my mind all over the place. My mind is really active all the time and if I'm not mindful of the present I totally miss it.
This is also hard for me in relation to hard things that come up. I've spent years stuffing down fears and insecurity, so for me to deal with it, feel it in the moment, it's uncomfortable and scary to me. I'm praying a lot about Jesus helping me to make the choice to press through and grow instead of running and continuing to live the cycle of fear and bondage.
There's a battle raging in my mind on a daily basis, (aside from when I'm having bipolar episodes which intensify these thoughts).
I'm recognizing that I put myself under scrutny and expectations that I can't meet and don't need to meet. I spend my time telling myself what I'm doing wrong and what I should have done. I want to let Jesus deal with the inner areas so that I am free. Free to be His, to allow Him to love me and be able to embrace His deep unconditional and grace filled love for me. I want to allow myself grace to see myself as Jesus sees me and allow myself to get to know Him in more real ways.
I want to come to the place of giving Him control without grabbing it back constantly. I want to allow Jesus to turn my fears into faiths. I want to allow Him to allow me to walk in the truth instead of being paralysed by fear.
How to go from here and allow Him to do these deeper workings so I can walk in the freedom and peace that He died to give me.... I don't really know how. To give myself up to Him. One place I'm starting at is to surrender my thoughts, when I realize they aren't from Him to surrender them to Him. This is much harder than it sounds like. I'm also trying to be contious of not being so hard on myself, I'm not sure how to do that yet.
I want to learn to look at the positive of what God is doing, and the strengths I have been growing in as I look closer at Him and share myself with Him and get close to Him and allow Him to transform me into His image.
On a lighter note (or kinda lighter) the darker depression and rapid-cycling that I was having has lifted a bit. I'm still feeling a lighter underlying depression that has been there for a couple months. I'm praying that God will take that from me. Please pray that with me. I'm also having a REALLY hard time getting going in the morning and accomplishing anything. All I want to do is sleep. And then in the evening I get energy and want to clean and do all kinds of things. The problem though is I CANNOT stay up and do those things because not getting A LOT of sleep severly affects me and triggers depression episodes. It sounds petty but can you guys PLEASE please pray that God would reverse that and allow me to have more energy and drive during the day and give me the ability to wind down and relax and go to sleep in the evening? I really need that to change. I'm physically working on it slowly but I feel like I need some supernatural help with it.
Thank you guys, for reading, for praying, for listening, and loving me as I am.