I've had a lot of big faith/questioning going on the past month and it's been so good, but so hard. For some reason I have been afraid to face my hurts and questions and why's because I thought that it was wrong and that it was disrespectful to God. I'm not sure why because looking back on my life in the past, I really grew with Jesus through those searching times. In those questions I'm finding that I have to come to the place of deciding whether I am going to be ok with the answers or not knowing, and whether I'm going to love God regardless.
God wants me, just as I am. He'll take all of me. He isn't picky but He is choosy, He's chosen each of us. I have to come to peace of accepting and believing that He has a good plan, and He knows the bigger pictures and He has His reasons.
I'm finally feeling like I can face some of my questions and hurts. I can tell that God is working and moving big in my heart, for me. I'm trying to be open to letting myself be real and letting God be real to me as He wants and deserves. I want to be truthful to myself, to God, to others about what's really in my heart and mind, and in doing so I have to face hard feelings. But I am pressing through, little by little and God is faithful to love me through it.
One of the biggest questions and places in my life that I've felt that I just don't understand God's allowing and not choosing to take from me is being bipolar. It's painful. I just can't see the good in it. In allowing myself to be angry and being hurt I have been received by a very gracious and loving Father, as usual. I have so much more in my heart, but I'll keep it for now. :O)
On to counting my gifts. God is so good...
#339-357
Soothing rain pouring on the tin roof of our back deck.
Quiet house.
A God that is big enough to handle my questions.
A husband that is strong enough to accept my brokenness.
Tender moments.
Forgiveness for selfishness.
God's love that is so deep He's willing to do whatever it takes for me to be His.
Tuesday night Renewal Group.
Neil Anderson steps to freedom study.
Spring Break with my kids.
My MIL coming to visit and love on the kids and Marc and I.
The zoo and the excitement in my kids eyes.
The way each of my bigger kids showed John-Marc all the animals. They were so precious with him.
My Sweet Abby's 5th birthday.
My Sweet Sarah's 7th birthday.
Birthday cake with Homemade Daddy Made family butter icing. One pink for Abby and one Lavender for Sarah.
Friends that listen and love me.
Family time with My Dad and Juliette being here.
Isaiah and Caleb making up silly jokes and watching them laugh.
Corn on the cob.
God's faithfulness.
The way David questioned and cried out to God in the psalms. It's helped me realize it's ok to question and ask why.
A God that's not offended by my anger and actually is willing to love me through it.
A pastor that has a heart for relationship, which to me is the heart of Jesus.
My Mom babysitting when I need it.
My boys calling Grammy to ask if they could ride their bikes over to her house for the first time.
The precious memories of me riding my pony through the woods to my grandma's house. Putting the pony in her horse's pastour and spending the night.
Pictures found of when I was a little girl. Rebecca looks exactly like me.
The way that my heart is immediately at peace with Jesus when I surrender to Him.
Patience.
If you'd like to join in and count your gifts, your gratitude, your thanksgiving for all God is and gives...
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