It's been months since I've blogged. There are a lot of reasons. I think the biggest one is that I felt it right for me to journal by hand, just me and Jesus.
I first want to say Thank you Jesus, Thank you over and over again. Your mercies are new every morning, and your faithfulness lasts forever.
I've been in awe at the beauty of His love. He's helping me see glimpses of His beautiful grace filled love for me as I search for Him and ask Him to show Himself to me.
His tender, patient, gracious heart towards me is a healing balm to my soul.
He continues to show Himself to me as I learn to yield myself and surrender to Him.
His love is true and real and not based on anything about me. It's all about Him.
Depression has been persistent and overcoming at times. It's been a battle to hold on when an end is not in sight. I continue to praise Him in the dark.
Depression clouds the beauty of life, the heart of God, the ability to see or know the truth. This is where scripture keeps me in the truth. God is near to the broken hearted. Yet I will choose to say "Blessed Be His name"!
God is faithful, He's long suffering, He's strong and gentle all at the same time, and He never gives up, never stops pursuing, never stops loving.
I think this journey on earth, away from our Father is such a struggle because we weren't made to be apart from Him. His plan was for wholeness and oneness with Him.
The beauty of it all is that His grace runs deep and His love never runs dry.
"Let anyone who is thirsty come to Me and drink. Whoever believes in me, as Scripture has said, rivers of living water will flow from within them." (John 7:37-38 NIV)
"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not overcome you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not scorch you." (Isaiah 43:2 NIV)
"The LORD will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail." (Isaiah 58:11)
"Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland." (Isaiah 43:18-19 NIV)
I long for that day when His Healing waters flow freely as He and I are reunited face to face. Oh what a beautiful day that will be!
The deeper depression is lifting some and overall I'm improving. I feel like after 6+ months I am finally possibly getting balanced out and on the right combo of medications. I'm still praying that this continues since it's only been 1 1/2 weeks but either way I'm beginning to see the sun shining in through the rain.
God is continuing me on in this life long journey to wholeness and healing. I'm learning to not resist Him and what He wants and to give into the process of Him emptying me out, and filling me with Himself again and again. I've always struggled with trusting that He has and does what's best for Me. I guess it's one of the many places I still look at life through the lenses of a wounded child. This fear to open up and let Him in goes deep. He's proving true though that it is SAFE for me to lay those fears down. I'm learning to trust His leading on things and not try to control how I would like them to be. That never works anyway. You would think after time and time again failing at my attempts to "do things on my own" that I would get it, but I so quickly take it all back into my own hands. I'm amazed beyond amazed at His willingness and DESIRE to forgive me and take me back.
His unconditional love and compassion for me just as I am is so foreign to what my mind and heart had experienced as a child. I'm finding that making the CHOICE to believe what His Word says about me is the route to freedom and healing. It's much harder to choose to believe something that I don't feel than it is to just give in to the thoughts and feelings I've known for so long. It's the obedience that draws me closer to Him and into the freedom He longs to give me. The more quickly I surrender to Him, and lay down my flesh and expectations, the more fully He can heal me. I so so wish it was as easy to choose to believe as it was to just "feel" how I feel. I rely so heavily on feelings, and my feelings are usually not the truth. I had a rebellion towards surrendering to God when I didn't "feel" it. In my repentance I've felt a new joy in speaking out loud the truth, the Word, even when I don't "feel" it. It's the freedom I was missing out on. It amazes me that He holds all the power and rights to do with us as He wants, (He's God and He's our Creator, our Source of Life), but instead of using that Power against us, He uses His hand over us as a protective Shield. He is our Shelter from the world, A tender Comfort, our Source of Joy and Life and Healing. His motives and thoughts and desires for us are all together pure and wonderful. Oh Why oh why do we resist this kind of love?
He is working a healing in such deep ways that I cannot put into words what He's doing in me.
As with most healing, it comes with great pain. The day to day, minute by minute choosing of life instead of death; the willingness to allow God to break me and rebuild me.
Oh that I could lay my heart, mind, and soul completely open, bare before Jesus. If only I could resist the covering up and closing up so that He can put His hands deep in my heart, my mind, my body, and transform my brokenness into wholeness in Him; That I may allow the emptying out of self in exchange for the filling up of Him.
His loving nail scarred hands touching our hearts; His Word, The Truth setting us free. He brings healing.
Peace to chaos of minds; tenderness to ones beaten down with harsh hands and mouths lashed out in anger; silence for the ringing in ears of words that pierce the heart deep; washing away of stains ground in from shame; mending of fractured souls broken by life's disappointments; softening of hearts hardened with fear; breaking of chains bound right through the heart by the grip of the evil one, weaving His hope into seemingly hopeless situations; pouring His living waters over dry and barren places; invading long dark nights with hope of an early morning; lies exposed with the truth of His Word.
His exchange of Beauty for life's Ashes; strenght for those pressed down heavy with grief. He is Father to the fatherless, sight for the blind.
His love setting us free! This is His heart, His desire; we are His delight.
All of this and more.
It's so easy to pull back, flinch, to resist the pain, to cover up, to protect.
True healing doesn't come into completion though without being exposed, without being healed inside out. No more covering up, no more pulling back. I want all of Jesus, all of Him dwelling deep in me, I want the cleaning out, the dead skin removed, making room for the healthy deep dwelling of Jesus. Pure and unhindered. Oh Jesus remind me of this over and over. I am so quick to pull back and cross my arms. Help me to not resist You Jesus.
Satan doesn't give in or give up easily but I Praise God that His love is bigger and stronger, and He's already won the battle.
He's walking me through some deep hurts from my past; He's showing me how to allow myself to experience the emotions that are behind the experiences, and He's helping me to go back to that fearful broken child that I still carry with me.
I'm seeing through the help of my counselor and through the eyes of Jesus that God wants me to move beyond the thoughts and feelings of that child. I'm stuck in that cycle of seeing things through the eyes of me as a child.
Opening up those memories and walking back through those feelings and experiences hurts much more than I could have imagined. I believe that God is healing me and bringing truth to me; He CAN change my mind and heart from relying on my feelings to living in His truth I am starting to remember the child I once was, at a time when I knew an eager love for God's world and His people and for the wonder of His creation. I'm starting to get glimpses of what God saw and thought about me as a child. I'm starting to love myself...just starting.
I'm finding great comfort and hope through the Word of God. His Word is true and real and living. It IS life to me.
God sacrificed His one and only Son; He gave the gift that cost Him everything, and he hands it to us, free for the taking. All we need is the choosing and surrendering.
Counting my gifts to 1000... my love gifts from my Jesus. He is worthy of my praise and gratitude: #358-#394
Freedom in believing and CHOOSING the truth
Deep healing as I walk through my past as a child, and replace the pain with the truth through the eyes of the One who knows me best
The Sword of the Spirit which is the Word of God
The Armor of God
The ability to choose life over death
the smile of a child
Children making up games by using their imaginations
Being used to minister to others in my weakness
the freedom and ability to worship God through song
memorized scripture that brings the truth in the most needed times
the Body of Christ to encourage and pray and speak the truth in love
Little girls dressed up in pretty dresses for church
times of teaching my young boys about the heart of Jesus and the way He equips us for life and godliness
every day is a new day
a pastor that speaks the heart of God and loves His people
fresh fruit in season
joy in praising my Jesus
A father who knows His sheep
A surprise visit/time with my "spiritual parents" and the gift of their encouragement and love
Healing through the journey
Celebrating Marc and I's 13th Anniversary!
A Mentor that loves the Lord and has a heart to share Him and His freedom
Prayer time with friends
Lunch date with an old friend
My kids laughing together
Snuggles with my girlie that's #1 love language is physical touch
The Holy Spirit
Little Man running around the house
A full blessed life