We've been busy!! With what I'm not sure, just family life, work, school for the kids and Marc, appointments, play dates with friends. Mostly good stuff.
The deep depression has lifted praise God. It really is like I see through different lenses. If I can feel my way through the dark to what I know to be there, I can embrace His love even though, even in the midst. I've still been rapid-cycling. It's frustrating but I'd take cycling through highs and lows any day over just a low. It's a long process and I'm getting closer and closer to realizing and accepting that it may just be like this. I've had several good months in a row a couple times this year and I'm going to praise God for those times and pray that I have much more health. I am also learning to use the hypo manic times to organize or de-clutter something in the house or do something positive with the kids. I've always been an all or nothing person. If I can't do something I don't even want to try. God's helping me work through that. One of the ways is to allow myself to do what I can when I can. It's hard for me to give myself grace when I'm not there but I'm trying to.
Grace and Prayer and Thanksgiving, it's what I need and often what I resist and walk away from when I'm not feeling well. It shows my lack of trust in Jesus, thinking I don't deserve or haven't earned the right to receive from Him.
I saw my Father's fierce pursuit of us in a new way this week. We had a scare that thankfully turned out to be nothing but it showed me something beautiful.
A couple days ago after school Caleb came in from outside and said he was so hot after playing basketball. I told him to change into shorts and told all 5 of the other kids to go out back and play outside. It was way too nice out to sit inside.
I assumed Caleb went back outside from the downstairs door. Marc came home and asked about the kids, we visited for a bit, and Marc ran to Dollar General. When he came back he came in to the bathroom (I was showering) and said, Honey I can't find Caleb!" He was no where to be found outside. It had now been at least 45 minutes since I last saw Caleb. I heard Marc outside hollering desperately for Caleb. I got dressed quickly thinking well I'm sure he's outside, maybe he went into the woods or to dollar general disobediently though he never has before. Our kids KNOW to not go anywhere out of our yard and not to go out front unless they have asked. I prayed but I wasn't really worried. Marc's searching got more fierce and I could see the distress growing in Marc. He called for Caleb in a voice and way I had not heard from him before. Caleb ended up coming home and he had been 4 houses down and across the street from our house. When he arrived home Marc told him how worried he was and sent him to his room.
Marc came into our room and sat on the bed while I got ready. He expressed to me how shaken and worried he was. Again I was seeing a side of him as a father in relentless pursuit of finding his son that was different than anything I've seen before.
It made me think so much about our Father's love for us. God searches and pursues us with a passion, one that doesn't rest until He's found us. His anger at us falling away is fierce with deep love. It touched me.
He's not satisfied or at rest until He has us. He's deeply affected by our turning away. He chases after us. All the while when we are distracted and wandering, He's fiercely at work to find us and when He does He rejoices and receives us with open arms.
Marc was able to communicate to Caleb later how important it is for him to listen to us and to obey. We as his parents do know what's best for him, and we have his best in mind. He learned an important lesson, one what we as God's children learn over and over in our lives.
Oh how our Heavenly Father loves us and knows us so well. Thank you Jesus!