A friend and I were talking the other day about how it's hard to understand the whys of what God allows and doesn't allow, the prayers He seems to answer and those that we feel He didn't or didn't in a way we wanted. It's tough to understand our path when it looks so differently than we had wanted or planned. His thoughts are not our thoughts, and our thoughts are not His.
I think when we loose hope somewhere along the way we have become ungrateful for the love and gifts God has given us. We forget who we came from and where we came from and why He created. We become our own God's and think we could do it better.
He longs for us to have Life abundantly, here and now, not just in heaven. My goal for this year is to be in the "NOW". Something I often don't do and I find myself looking back or looking forward and missing out on the present here and now. He is alive in the now, He wants to give us fullness NOW.
I am realizing this week how quickly I forget Who He is, and I become ungrateful. I wanted a different past, different now, different experiences, less pain, more understanding, more control and the list goes on.
In times of depression I go by my feelings. It's hard not to when those feelings are so consuming. But somehow I want to allow Jesus to help me see the truth even when it doesn't seem true. So hard to get in the midst but I will continue to search and seek Him.
I'm also realizing that when I'm not doing well I allow my diagnosis to label or plague me. It becomes all consuming and I get all wrapped up in myself thinking it's not fair and that it's OK to pity myself. I don't want to do that. I know that it's only by God's help and my surrendering that it's even possible to see beyond myself. I want to see God and want Him and often that's not my heart's desire. Empty me Jesus so you can come in and and make things beautiful again.
I'm grateful for so many things right now.
And although I normally list my gifts from Jesus and my gratitude on Mondays, today I wanted to list what's on my heart tonight.
following my 1000 gift list.. #285-307
I'm grateful for PEACE.
I'm grateful that God doesn't turn His back on me when I am ungrateful.
I'm grateful for the cloud of depression to be lifting.
I'm grateful for the encouragement and prayers of others.
I'm grateful for life, my life that that exists because God made me and calls me His own.
I'm grateful for so many reasons to be grateful.
I'm grateful that my husband is able to pursue something he loves.
I'm grateful that he has worked so hard, so long for our family, even when it hurts.
I'm grateful for snow days and time playing at McDonald's with friends.
I'm grateful for the happiness my husband had coming home from school about doing so awesome on his first test. (which I knew he would do awesome)
I'm grateful for little girls doing valentine cards and so excited about it.
I'm grateful that life is filled with beauty even in the pain.
I'm grateful for our house and space.
I'm grateful that God does not base ANYTHING on my performance!
I'm grateful that my kids are healthy.
I'm grateful that I can be honest and they can learn from our experiences the hope and joy we can have when we allow Jesus 1st place.
I'm grateful for sleep, sleep that gives restoration to the mind and body.
I'm grateful that God enjoys me resting in Him.
I'm grateful for a friend that's offered to come help me get my laundry caught up.
I'm grateful for that same friend allowing me to come over and help her with some things.
I'm grateful for Tues. Night Renewal Group, the support, the way I am learning from other's honesty and walks and the beauty of praying with and for each other.
I'm grateful for worship music that speaks my heart in such clear beautiful ways. (Hungry I come to you.. that song, every line blessed me the other night).
I'm grateful that I don't have to make up things to be grateful for and that my reasons for thankfulness are unending because God's love and joy is unending.