My heart is weak, my mind is tired. I wrestle against this darkness, fighting it's ugly presence day after day. WHY why why can't this NOT be a part of me. I DON'T want to continue with this plague. I am weary from the struggle, I'm frustrated with the inconsistency, the inability to control, I'm angry that things aren't the way I had plan. I don't want this to be part of my story. When the darkness closes in on me I'm paralysed by fear and wrong perceptions. Nothing looks as it really is.
God I know you know me best. You formed me and know me inside and out. You see my needs, my desires, my wants, my hopes, my love and You aren't afraid of me. I know you have already written my story. You bring good from all things. You know my beginning and the end.
I'm dry and worn out from wrestling, please hide me in your arms, fight for me, sustain me and build me up in your strength. Help me to surrender to Your love and grace, to stop kicking and fighting and resisting, to let You hold me, to rest in your arms, in the quiet of your love, as a child safe in Daddy's arms. All of the things of this world, the things that hold me down, empty them out of me,and fill me full of You. And whatever You chose to let fall through Your hands, help me to keep clinging to You, to remember that You are enough for me even when everything around and inside me is screaming that it's not true. Help me believe!
"Though my flesh and my heart may fail, God IS the strength of my heart and my portion forever!" Psalms 73:26
Psalm 119:25-32 (The Message)
I'm feeling terrible—I couldn't feel worse!
Get me on my feet again. You promised, remember?
When I told my story, you responded;
train me well in your deep wisdom.
Help me understand these things inside and out
so I can ponder your miracle-wonders.
My sad life's dilapidated, a falling-down barn;
build me up again by your Word.
Barricade the road that goes Nowhere;
grace me with your clear revelation.
I choose the true road to Somewhere,
I post your road signs at every curve and corner.
I grasp and cling to whatever you tell me;
God, don't let me down!
I'll run the course you lay out for me
if you'll just show me how.
Heb 4:12 American King James Version
"For the Word of God is quick, and powerful, and sharper than any two edged sword, piercing even to the dividing of soul and spirit, and of the joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart."
God give me hope. Help me to hold onto that which is constantly true.