It's a new season here in the Dunlap house. We're all excited about Marc (dh) starting his first day of classes today at Lexington School for Recording Arts. He's just starting out on a 2 year program. He'll first train to become an audio engineer and then the 2nd year will be more specific. It's been a rough journey for Marc over the first 12 years of his "career/job". He was in ministry (youth pastor) for several years. Part of, well A lot of why that didn't work well was because of my deep struggle with depression over the years. I was constantly hindering him and putting pressure on him with "needing" him so much, and he wasn't able to give his full 100% to ministry because of it. He's felt very torn. He has been a rock in a very hard place who has stayed truly faithful and selfless to his wife and children with such endurance and love.
Today I felt a bit sad thinking back on the sacrifices he made for me all those years. It hurts my heart to think about how alone and hard it must have been for him. Somehow by the grace and love of God he held on and walked through with much sacrifice. It really wore on him. I hate that. I really wish I wasn't part of the reason for his pain and feelings of failure in his career and calling. He's for many years worked and is working in a hard job that he REALLY doesn't enjoy just to take care of us.
I'm rejoicing at what God is doing in our family, in our hearts, and the hope and joy I see in my husband. Something I haven't seen much for years.
Please pray for us along this new part of our journey. Marc worries about me with him in school. He keeps saying he's worried about me being ok with him gone more. Honestly for once I am completely at peace with him going to school, seeking a calling that he totally loves and that excites him. I believe he actually has more fear about me than I do about myself on this. I have faith that God is going to do a new thing, and now is the time! I'm confident that God has brought us to this chapter in our lives for Marc to re-discover himself and begin to let God restore his spirit and his heart. He needs it. I'm also confident that God is teaching me so gently how important and right it is for me to learn to fully lean on Him and let Him take care of me instead of Marc. It's been unhealthy for both of us. So I'm trying to learn to rely on Jesus, and Marc is trying to learn to not be the maryter and fix everything for me.
I'm still really trying to understand and accept the grace God longs to pour on me. I still feel like I have to earn His favor. Yesterday I felt like I was accomplishing nothing, and just grumpy and feeling bad about myself. Finally I went and laid down on my bed quiet with Jesus and right away He spoke to me about needing His grace and that it's a gift of love and not something I could ever earn. It's His gift to me, and it isn't affected by my attitudes or performance or lack of. I let His love pierce my heart and shed a few tears and felt His grace and peace fall on me. I'm starting to see that I have to accept myself as I am. Nothing perfect here.
That's the beauty of grace.