I'm fighting against myself in this battle of will and perseverance. To continue on fighting my laziness, my fears about how I'm parenting and how badly of a homemaker I am. I know I have to make a decision to push through my wants and my comfort to the wants of Jesus, even if that means doing the dishes and washing the bathroom over and over. I am in a constant battle in the mornings to get up and get going and be productive. I look around at my house and I automatically feel overwhelmed and paralyzed at the amount of clutter and mess. I know I NEED to de-clutter. I know that 10years of junk and clutter has mounted to the feeling that my house is caving in on me and that clutter rules in our home. I hate that. I know it takes time to clean and de-clutter. It's like loosing weight.. it didn't get there overnight and it won't leave overnight. Clutter is the same for me. I look around and I get completely overwhelmed at the amount to be done and then I do nothing. I know it makes no sense to just not try or start; yet it's the way I've always been.
Looking back I never felt like I could be or do anything "good enough" I know that clouds my thinking and actions so deeply. I'm learning a lot about the grace Jesus gives all the time, the sacrifice He made to give me grace and abundant life. I'm praying that God will help me accept that grace for myself and believe that He longs to give me love and grace and that I don't have to earn anything to be with Jesus and be loved by Him.
I've always set my standard to what those around me are doing, especially with house keeping. I feel inadequate and that brings the "I can't do it so I won't even try" thinking. My counselor Martin says that's a form of perfectionism. I want to do it perfectly and if I don't think I can I don't even try.
My word of focus for the year of 2011 is NOW. I don't want to miss the now by just tapping out emotionally and just functioning or being stressed or looking back on the past and the if only's and looking forward to the future with what if's. I want to be engaged with where God has me, what my kids need, what my husband needs, what I need, and what we all want. No more survival mode!
God, I want to be present, to enjoy You and who you are making me. I don't want to miss the joy of the here and now. I want to be thankful. I want to be thankful even for dishes to wash and clothes to wash etc. It really does help me when I begin to thank You for Your many gifts as I'm feeling overwhelmed and anxious. I'm finding out how very ungrateful I really am.
You are so good to me and You blesses me on a moment by moment basis, never wavering, never tiring of Your grace for me. Give me open eyes to see your gifts and respond with a grateful heart instead of a grumbling heart about the things I see so easily.
Jesus help me to see the truth there that You are my standard, You are the one I am to please, You are the one who I live for and glorify. Help me Jesus to allow Your expectations to be what drives me. That grace that you love to pour so freely. The gift of who You are, the sacrifice that wasn't free but You long to give it to us freely. Help me to see Your true expectations, and only Yours. All of me for all of You. Jesus keep pruning my flesh and filling me with You. I pray for the fruit of the Spirit and the willingness to be emptied of myself and filled with your Spirit. I'm broken and need You and You alone. Nothing else fills me yet I fall in that trap over and over of trying to let other things fill Your place. Forgive me Jesus and give me the will to surrender over and over. Set me free with a thankful heart that beats for You and You alone. I praise you for who You are.
Thank You for Your beautiful grace that covers my inadequacies. I love you.