Monday, June 14, 2010

Thank you Jesus!

A friend emailed me asking me how I'm doing today. Well here's just a tiny tidbit of what's been going on inside of me lately. I'm struggling through and learning so much. Some days are hard, this stuff is really hard sometimes. Other times I realize how WELL I'm doing and how good I feel. It's amazing too to look back and take a bit of inventory and remember just how painful and hard and bad things were just a few months ago. I am better than I have been in many many years and Jesus is doing some incredible working in my heart. He is so patient and full of grace. Jesus loves me. I mean He really loves me.
I have really been doing well. I've been working through a lot of issues, and I feel like I'm making process and starting to see thing a bit more true especially in light of letting Jesus just love me as I am, and just "being".
Hmmm I've been beginning to take responsibility for myself instead of expecting Marc (my hubby) to take care of me and make my decisions for me and do the responsible things with the kids all the time. I'm learning to accept myself a bit as is and move forward rather than getting stuck in the past if only's and future what if's. This has been huge for me. I'm realizing as I intentionally think "what is in the NOW" I was very rarely in the now. I'm usually beating myself up over something I didn't do right or well in the past, or fearing about something I am afraid of in the future etc.
I'm becoming much healthier overall, feeling MUCH Much more like my true me is coming back. I'm enjoying my self some (still really working on getting to a place where I'm comfortable with me, and love who I am) and really enjoying my family and the things in my life! I'm learning to look at things as they are at the moment instead of thinking however I'm "feeling" is how things are. I often feel like however I feel is how things are and Jesus is helping me to take a step back and realize that regardless of how I'm feeling things are ok.
Learning to deal with my day to day stress in healthy ways and not having issues with anxiety like I had been so much.
Lots of things God is helping me work through. These are just a few that come to my mind.
The last med changes (well dosage changes) have really seemed to do what I needed and are really balancing me out. I had been going high before my period, rapid-cycling during and then going low afterwards. It had been getting better and less severe and lasting less time but my Dr. upped both my mood stabilizers (one for lows lamictal and one for highs trileptal (this also really helps me sleep) and that has really helped. This last cycle I DIDN'T go low or high or rapid-cycle. PRAISE GOD. I'm starting to not be afraid of how things might be and not analyzing all my feelings all the time. Just relaxing and settling some. Feels so good.
I'm NOT questioning anymore whether bipolar is really a true illness or just something we as humans make up to cover our lack of faith in Jesus. Well mostly...
I'm still struggling to accept myself dispite being bipolar and the ups and downs that come at times. I find myself still trying to "do well enough" so that these issues will not be there anymore... ekk ok I guess it's time to accept that I can't just feel well enough to make the bipolar not be there anymore. I really WANT to be able to give up that working towards fixing myself and instead just let Jesus take care of me.
I was searching for a good couple months after being diagnosed to understand how bipolar relates to me spiritually. I've spent a lot of time trying to accept that Jesus still accepts me and that I'm not flawed and unusable to Him... I really don't know Him well sometimes. I want to fit Him into this little box and He's not like us at all. I felt that the bipolar diagnosis was just a weakness of my spiritual dependance on Jesus. I DO NOT feel that way anymore. I think I've accepted things more and am learning to just let Him love me and ask Him to tell me what's true. He's faithful and He's true, and He loves me as I am. I need to tell myself that and listen enough to let Him tell me that and Believe it.

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