I haven't wrote in so long, not sure why. I've been journaling some in my own personal journal where I write to God. I love writing to Him. It allows me to be intimate and real to the only one that can actually Help me and change me.
I've been learning a lot.
I guess the biggest struggle and victory is letting God give me His grace.. and Him helping me to extend that grace to myself. I'm my worst critic. I seem to know how to pick apart everything I've done or not done, and give every reason why I've done everything all wrong. In counseling with Martin (with Marc) God is begining to soften my heart towards myself. I have to learn to be ok "in my own skin" as Martin calls it. So I've been going to Jesus as I am, real and open... something I often don't allow myself to do because I don't like what I see so I assume God (and Marc) won't either. What I'm finding with God and with my sweet husband is the opposite though. There's much love and in receiving that love I'm finding it just fills me up and in turn I'm becoming the person I desire. I'm learning to love myself as I am... not as I wish I was or wish I could be.
Martin said something that may be helpful for me (he said especially with bipolar people) is to focus on the NOW... not looking back to the past in the "If onlys" and not looking to the future in the "What ifs" but focusing on the now... that's where I am finding Jesus, and I'm finding His peace. I'm constantly having to check myself and see where my mind is at. It's often not in the now. It's been eye opening to me and it's helping me be real and be ok with myself.
Jesus loves me as is. That's not something I believed a few months ago. I was sure I had to pull it together and get over all this nonsense and lack of faith (that's what I saw bipolar as". I'm finding peace in where I'm at and finding Jesus wants to be right here with me, as I am. It's sad that I can believe that for my husband and my friends but wasn't able to accept it for me.
I can't love others beyond what I accept for myself from Jesus.
I'm feeling more stable overall and the meds. are definitly allowing me to deal and see things that I couldn't before.
I'm still struggling with hormones triggering highs and lows before and after my period, and I seem to rapid-cyle the week of. It's been that way the last 2 months so this week Dr B. increased both of my mood stablizers (one for depression, one for mania)and he thinks that will help with the rapid-cycling etc. I am very blessed with my Dr. He truly is amazing and a gift from God.
More later... off to the park to cook out and play with my family and a family from church. FUN!