It seems I can't count on my feelings staying similar for more than half a day sometimes! This morning and through till midday I was a depressed anxious mess, then after talking to Dr. B. I went hypomanic for a bit.. talking a mile a minute and cleaning like a crazy person, I had so much nervous energy I didn't know what to do with myself.. Marc was begging me to put a period at the end of my sentences....then within hours I was OK.. not great, not terrible.. Frustrating!!!!
I feel better about the new medicine for now. Dr. B. said I am on such a low dose that though it may cause some weight gain he didn't think it would be too much with diet and exercise. He also said he has NEVER had any patients have ANY problems weaning off such a small dose, and that I shouldn't have any withdrawal issues if/when I quit taking it. He also said that since ambien and other sleep meds aren't working for me right now he really felt we needed to do something more because if I can't sleep I won't be ok. He's so right too, when I haven't slept well for several nights I literally start feeling crazy. It's bad. M. my counselor said it really can make you tempo rarely crazy if you aren't getting sleep and that it's REALLY important. SOooo that's my story and I'm sticking to it. :O)
When I came hope from "Celebrate Recovery" tonight the house looked so nice and cleaned up. I told Marc I didn't want him to feel like he has to, or do things for me trying to make me feel better, I watched my dad do that my whole life and it never worked. I want him to love me by serving me just because he wants to... he use to do that all the time but over the years my unhealthy wants/needs have made that harder and harder on/for him. I want to be stable and steady enough that if the house is a mess and I go somewhere he doesn't feel like he has to clean it to help me feel better or do better. Please understand that I REALLY truly appreciate how he serves me... I just want to be healthy enough and not self-centered enough that we can equally serve each other out of love and not because I'm having a bad day and need Marc or whatever.
I let some fear push in today about how I may be hurting my kids with how I am. I so don't want to cause them pain. I feel so bad about myself for struggling with depression;/bipolar. Isaiah notices things the most and Marc and I are trying to talk with him and help him talk and prevent insecurity and fear. I'm not really sure what is healthy as far as how we address stuff... I'm just praying and so far Jesus has directed me when/what to say. He's such a tender precious boy, I want to protect him.
Today after Marc came home from work I was a wreck and he told me to go take a breather and rest for a bit....
went and laid down in my bed.... within minutes in pops John-Marc (our almost 2 yr old)(our door doesn't latch well). He comes over and puts his hand on my side and says "UP UP" which means I want you to get up from what you are doing that doesn't include me and I'll show you want I want you to do with me... and he'll hold my hand and take me where it is he wants to play. Anyway, I said "No honey mommy's not getting up right now" and he said SHHHHHH and put his finger over his mouth to shush me. And I said yes, shhhh and out of my room he bopped, intentionally closing the door behind him. How precios he is, he communicates so well. I had twinges of sadness though in thinking... "please Jesus help me to get healthy quickly so that the things my kids remember about there mama aren't just about me sleeping or having emotional issues.
Oh Jesus you are their covering and love them even more than I can (how can that be possible!), please protect these 6 sweet children's hearts and minds so they can see things as they really are.