Friday, March 5, 2010

Today was a good day!

I woke feeling rested and looking forward to my day.. which is often not the case. The seroquel is definitely helping me sleep.. I still wake through the night but a lot less and I don't lie there awake for a long time like I had been. I'm thankful for that.
I went to see my family Dr. today and was encouraged by my appt. He said I looked a lot better and he was really happy to see me doing better. He spent time talking to me about bipolar and how I'm dealing with it and also talked about things spiritually. I really appreciate him. I feel like God has really blessed me with incredible Doctors right now as well as my counselor. I was encouraged that he told me he doesn't think I will always have to be on this many meds, though I will need some long-term as bipolar isn't something that goes away (Unless God chose to completely heal me). He REALLY encouraged me to take my medicine, regardless of how I feel in the future (especially if I think I'm doing Better). It's hard to think long-term. I really wish bipolar wasn't a part of my life; and it's kind of amazing now that I'm recognizing it in my life how much of an issue it is for me. He also addressed my concerns about the Seroquel side effects.. and he said "just keep taking it, you need it". He warned me that it WILL increase my appetite, even if I take it at night I WILL notice it during the day and that I don't HAVE to gain weight with it though. He encouraged me to eat lots of small snacks throughout the day to help curb the hunger, but said things like rice cakes, celery, carrots etc. That was good advice! He said "you can't get fat from eating rice cakes and celery!" ha! He also said there are VERY FEW psychiatrists he would trust or recommend to me but that Dr. B. was the top one he trusts and that He and Dr. B. are good friends. It's cool to me that My Family Dr. Psychiatrist, and Counselor all speak VERY highly of each other, as friends, as christians, and as Doctors/Counselor. God is so good at reassuring me with little things like this that He knows will encourage me.
I'm still struggling to accept mental illness as something that Jesus doesn't look down on me for or feel disappointed with me about. I know that's twisted, I know He loves me regardless, I guess my faith isn't that strong if I question all this still. It's just hard to let go of control of myself and surrender to His control. I think in my mind I want Him to rule in my life, yet I don't really think that a lot because I so desperately want to do things on my own. I surrender and then a couple days later I realize that once His peace came I so quickly forgot that it came because of HIM and not me, and I run off and try to do my own thing and wonder why I have no peace again. Duh! I still care way too much about what others think towards me about this stuff. We've been studying 1 and 2nd Thessalonians and today I read about how we are to please God and not man. It's something I want Jesus to help me work through and overcome. I don't want to be so insecure, I want my security to be deeply planted in Jesus' love for me and not able to be moved by others opinions of me or even my fears or thoughts about what they might think.
I realize that I am going to have to accept that I won't always feel great, there will be bad days and I need to live in today and not worry about the future. I am hopeful the good days will start to outweigh the up and down days more and more but I need to also be able to give myself grace when I don't feel good. I have not been able to do that.
I'm trying to work through my struggles on the good days, knowing it's hard to see the truth in the bad days. I'm praying though and making a conscious decision to not entertain the lies and fears that come. Sometimes my thinking is so clouded by the depression though that I don't even realize I'm believing things that aren't true, my feelings seem like reality, though they are not.
I'm also trying to focus on loving my kids wholeheartedly and without reserve. I again need to accept that I'm not always in the best place and whatever I give to them Jesus multiplies and fills in the gaps for me. It's amazing to me to think and realize that God understands me. I so don't get myself most of the time, it's awesome to think He does and He extends His own Spirit to me, in place of my fleshly nature, when I ask and allow Him to. I want that more.
I guess a lot of this new journey has made me realize how much I don't accept myself as I am; and struggle to believe that Jesus does too. I am reading the Word daily and asking Jesus to show Himself and His love to me, and He is so incredibly faithful. As I can I'm trying to let His Word soak in my heart. I'm thankful that 1 month in, I'm still coming TO Him and not running away or closing down and shutting Him out. That is His grace helping me for sure! I can't do that on my own.
The 3 littlest ones and I (and my friend Shalah's sweet 3 yr old Kyrstin) went on an hour long walk exploring and enjoying the sunshine. We all had a wonderful time. I'm looking forward to many more walks and days outside as it gets nicer.
Tonight we have my 2 nephews and 1 niece here all night; which is a treat for us all since we have all been so busy and haven't gotten together as much as I'd like.
We had a neighbor friend over too so that made 6 boys (ages 2,7,8,9 and 10) and 4 girls ages 3,5,5,and 7. It was so wonderful to play outside and see all these precious little bodies enjoying themselves. I deeply love children! John-Marc of coarse threw a massive fit when it was time to come in for the night. He is CRAZY in love with the outdoors! I know what we'll be doing A LOT of this spring!
I'm thankful, I have a lot to be thankful for and God really blessed me, way beyond my dreams. I'm trying to accept that my ideas on how things should go or will go are often far from how things are, and that everything is and will be OK because Jesus loves me in the midst of it all. I can say that today; I'm praying I can learn to say it when I'm having harder days.

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