Thursday, March 4, 2010

Feel like crap

I feel terrible today, physically I'm fine... a mild headache off and on today but I'm use to that... emotionally and mentally I'm a wreck. I'm thinking about switching my blog to private... I just don't know if I can handle the pressure I put on myself about what the people I love around me will think of me.. I know quite prideful. ugh
I am super anxious today, obsessive, and irritated.
Dr. B. (my psychiatrist) put me on a new medicine yesterday to help me sleep and to help with the highs and lows of bipolar. Ever since I started taking the lamictal at night I've been awake several hours a night.
I didn't realize though until I got home and researched it that the new medicine he added is an anti-psychotic drug (used for bipolar and schizophrenia and sleep aid). The 2 main concerns I have with this medicine (
is that it causes substantial weight gain and it is really hard to wean off of. It seems that most people (at least on the web) have a good 20-30lb weight gain or more, and that those who weaned off had a horrible time. UGH This totally freaks me out!!! I don't want to take all these medicines!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I hate hate taking one thing to help another side effect etc. I feel like I have no choice though.
Marc says that most people that post about negative side effects etc. are just the one-sided "had a bad experience" people, but to me it seems people post what meds are good and work well for them too, and some do not say they generally cause a lot of weight gain. I already have my prozac working against me with weight gain. (Though I have lost 8 lbs in the last few months, but I think it's more from the nausea etc. with getting use to my meds, I don't think it will last).
I'm totally obsessing about all this today, feel hyped up yet NO desire or focus/concentration to get a darn thing done in the house. I feel like crap about myself and at the moment things feel pretty hopeless, though I know God loves me and is working despite my issues. Sigh.
I think this is a mixed-episode (so it's called) where I'm feeling some hypomania yet depression.
Blah blah blah, sorry I know this is no fun to read. I wish I could snap myself out of this! :O(
By the way, I'm feeling quite alone lately, so if you think of me or are praying for me, please remind me. I know I'm not, it just *feels* that way. I'm praying and I'm trying to trust God in the dark.

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