Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Low day

I've been fighting this all day. It's just a low day. I have had a full week of being really good, not low, not high, and just at peace and good. Today I woke up and it felt like the floor dropped out from under me. I just feel down. I guess it's discouraging though I know it doesn't help to be kicking myself for feeling this way. I was thinking today about the rapid-cycling I have... I wonder if I will continue to cycle through the 3 stages (hypomanic, depressive, and GOOD/Level) quickly or if I will continue to have more times of Good than high or low. I'm praying and trusting that the meds will continue to stabilize my mood better, but it's a concern of mine. I think I'll talk to my Dr. today about what I can expect with this. I see him for my 1 month follow up today. I know he told me I probably wouldn't see results until I was towards the end of the sample pack he gave me, and I still have a week on that pack... as well as just moving from 50mg yesterday up to 100mg... I have noticed more of the dizziness and vertigo/nausea stuff today, but I'm hoping it will continue to get better as I adjust to the new dose. It's hard to be patient and give myself time, I just want to be "better" now. I struggled today with feeling like Marc needed to help me feel better, and he just can't. It's such a wrong and unhealthy and selfish want, but today I really prayed for Jesus to help me change. I want to change so much.
I saw M. The other day (my counselor) and it was encouraging. Marc and I both are going to go once a month, and once a month I will go alone. I wish I could go more often but we just can't afford it. (every 2 weeks either I or both of us will go) I'm thankful we can go as much as we can. M. encouraged me that I will continue to feel better on the medicine and that being on the medicine will help me deal with the things I need to and do the work that needs done to become healthier myself, with Marc, and with the kids. He also explained some of how the body comes to the place of Bipolar and that helped too. It was also encouraging to hear from one more christian (one that is in tune with the Spirit) that this is an illness and not a spiritual issue. He also encouraged me that I can and will change. I'm hopeful.
I suspect that not sleeping well this past week is catching up to me, that really affects me.
Each time I feel down like this I come back to feeling like this is a spiritual battle and not an illness. I just feel like I'm weak and I'm not trusting Jesus enough and that if I was I wouldn't feel this way. I *know* that's not true. I *know* Jesus accepts me as I am, sees who He's making me to be, and Loves me right in the midst of where I am at right now... but I don't *feel* that way.
I've read my bible a bunch today, prayed, listed to christian worship music, and it still feels like the depression is pushing out my hope today.
I will still Praise Him and I'm trying to hide myself in *knowing* He loves me so much and He is much more understanding of all this than I am.
I'm trying to give myself grace but I just keep thinking... "Get up lazy! Do what you need to do, quit feeling sorry for yourself, change how you feel", but the more I think like that the more anxiety I feel.
My sweet Sister-in-law (love you MED) posted this quote on my facebook page the other day....
"Hope is Faith Holding it's hand out in the dark" (Can't remember who said it)...
And I'm asking Jesus to lift up my hand and hold it for me... I know He is my strength and my Portion and His love is unfailing. I'm so thankful His love is not based on my deserving it or my serving Him, it just wouldn't be there today.

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