Today after Marc got home from work this afternoon I went to my bedroom to lay down for a few minutes and just be with the Lord. My heart has been heavy and I have all these thoughts and feelings running all over the place.
So I asked Jesus to tell me what He sees and what He thinks about me.
Once I got quiet, in the most gentle whisper I could hear His sweet spirit say to me:
"Becky I don't want you to try to fix or change or be anything else than who you are right now. I just want you to BE. Right where you are, just Be. Be with ME. I am not asking or requiring you to understand everything or feel any certain way, just be who you are. I just want YOU. All of you for ALL of me."
And in those few sweet moments I felt Him, He and I together, Jesus sharing in my grief, Jesus loving me just as I am in all my confusion. He and I as one.
I was reminded....He didn't die on that cross to save a perfect world who wouldn't need Him. He died so that I can have life, His life, His power, and His grace, and to have it ABUNDANTLY. Often I try to buy that grace, but it simply can't be bought. It's already been purchased, He paid that price on the cross and He did it for me. He did it for my brokenness, my human need. Can he really love me in all my brokenness and all my mistakes and failures? It's so hard for me to believe.
Sitting there with Jesus today I saw in my mind His big strong arms wrapped around me and in a moment I felt His peace, the peace that only my Jesus can give. I remembered back to when my earthly Daddy wrapped His strong gentle arms around me and wept with me several times. Once as a young 13 year old after something horrible that happened, once when my friend died suddenly at 16 years old, and once when I went to visit him after He and my Mom separated.
Today as I remembered those times with my earthly dad, I felt Jesus holding me, weeping with me, loving me just as I am. I'm trying to believe and know that He will never leave me.
Amidst my pain, amidst my brokenness, amidst my unbelief and my doubt, amidst my grieving, amidst being bipolar... amidst it all... He just wants me.
I love the lyrics of this beautiful song:
You Are My King:
I'm forgiven, because You were forsaken, I'm accepted, You were condemned. I'm alive and well, Your Spirit lives within me, Because You died and rose again.
I'm forgiven because You were forsaken, I'm accepted You were condemned. And I'm alive and well, Your Spirit lives within me, Because you died and rose again.
Amazing love how can it be, that You my King would die for me. Amazing Love I know it's true, and it's my joy to honor You, in all I do I honor you.
Amazing love how can it be.....
You are my King, You are my King, You are my King.
Here's the whole song by Chris Tomlin with a video that's beautiful...