Saturday, February 6, 2010

Ship it to France?

It's 3:45am and no sleep for me right now. I just can't sleep. My mind just won't let me rest. No amount of sheep counting is going to do it for me tonight.
I was thinking... I'd really like to pack up all this stuff in a suitcase and send it to France or India. I'd put this thing called bipolar in there. I'd wrap it real nice and even say a prayer for it. Buy it a one way ticket...outta here.
I mean this isn't how I thought it was going to be. I Should have some control and ability to change my mind right? My pride wants to say "nothing to see here... I don't need anything, I'm good". The reality though is that I can't do it on my own. I hate that!
Jesus wants of me is to bring it to his alter, give it to Him, and trust that He will and is giving me the strength to walk through it. I have to admit... I'm not there yet, but my heart wants to please Him and trust Him. I'm asking Him to help me say: "Jesus I trust you, and if you choose to not take this sickness away I will still bless Your name, and I'll still love you no matter what.
I'm trying to wrap my brain around the idea that I have a mental illness. One that needs attention, and one that I can't just will away. An illness that society often views as a weakness of the mind and will. I really don't understand what's going on. My thoughts and feelings bounce all over the place.
It's hard to accept that there's something wrong and broken in my mind and that I will need ongoing help with this. I'd rather just go back into my hole, cover myself all up and let no one in and just pretend I'm ok. I don't want to go through this.

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