Saturday, February 20, 2010

Not good but God is good

Rough day, rough week but thankfully Jesus is always the same. He really is the only true constant, the one thing we can count on to always be true, always be real, always be there with us. I love Him so much.
I have been having really bad headaches with nausea, vertigo issues, dizzy, can't read, drive, ride without my eyes closed, blurry vision, and I haven't been on the computer much because it makes me feel worse, any reading does too. Sigh. It had lasted for 5 days, I had 3 days off with no headache and then yesterday and today It was back in full force. This morning I woke up and felt fine, drove to prayer group, on the drive there I had some dizziness and nausea and sensitivity to light, but when I got in my car to drive home it was really bad, felt like my eyes would pop out of my head, and so dizzy and nauseas.
I went to the eye doctor today out of desperation to make sure it wasn't my eye sight going bad or me needing glasses. Nope, my eye sight is perfect and everything to do with my eyes is perfect. But my blood pressure is not! They checked it when I got there and it was 140/96, about 45min. later they checked it again and it was 139/98. It's normally 110-120 over 70-80. She felt the medicine was causing high blood pressure and the symptoms I am having are due to the high blood pressure.
Anway, I dreaded that it was my new medicines. Called my Psychiatrist and talked to the Dr. on call (not Dr. Bunge that I saw unfortunately). He said it was probably the wellbutrin which has epinephrine etc. in it, and it was not likely that it was the lamictal (mood stabilizer). The wellbutrin has really helped me with the ADD to stay focused and accomplish things as well as helps so much with the depression, it helps me have energy and feel like going. Normally in my depressed times (which is a lot) I feel like I can't get up and go etc. So he decreased my wellbutrin in half, and hopefully my blood pressure will come down in the next 3 days. If it doesn't I need to let them know, and he also is going to talk and let Dr. Bunge my Dr. know what's going on tomorrow or Monday. He also told me that if I feel depressed I need to let them know that. So I'm hoping I do ok going back down to 150mg, and I hope it is enough to still help me. I hope my blood pressure goes back to normal soon because it's not healthy and I feel TERRIBLE.
I've had anxiety today from finding out my blood pressure is high, and from the ride home (the eye dr. was over on new circle). Riding in the car is so so aweful. It makes my head hurt more, my eyes hurt more, and the nausea and dizziness is unbearable. I can't handle any noise, any light.
I've felt pretty discouraged tonight, I feel alone although I know I am not. I called Nina tonight and it was so so so good to just talk to her, and hear her advice and hear her heart because I know she loves me. She has walked the long and narrow with Jesus through many valleys and she's beautiful and wise. She reminded me of many things I really needed to hear, and also reminded me that tears are ok. I have a hard time letting myself really feel, especially saddness. I've spent years trying to push down my feelings, not wanting my family to see me cry. Anger was so much "safer" for me. There is healing in the tears, and I appreciate that Jesus is giving me the gift of tears, as painful as it is. I feel Him close to me when I cry. My bed has become my prayer closet, well there and my kitchen table my bible spot. ;o)
I feel like I'm not a able to be a good mama right now, I can't do a lot with or for the kids and yet marc works 12 hr days so I have to make due. And once Marc gets home or I get the babies down for nap I crash, not always able to sleep but just to lay down feels so much better on my head. The kids, they miss me. I don't want them to grow up feeling like I'm not there for them or that I was always sick. ;o( This is hard stuff.
I also feel like I'm not that great for Marc right now. I wish I could just change how things are right now. I'm trying to trust and remember that God has me, He has my husband and My kids in his shelter, and He is giving and doing for us everything we need.
He is my Strong Tower, Fortress when I'm weak, Beautiful and Mighty, Everlasting Peace.
I'm trying to just look and see what's right in front of me and not fear or worry about what is going to happen after that.
This is a scary time in my life. I feel so out of control. I know that's Just where God wants me so I can let Him be my everything. I'm trying Jesus to keep running to you, I'm trying to remember that YOU are an ever present help, Jesus be my peace, be my strength, instil the fruit of your Spirit in me so I may become more like You.
Jesus I need you to be my sheild, my strength, my joy, most of all I just want you so very close to me, please come. I just don't want to feel so alone.
Ok I've tortured my eyes and head long enough while blogging this so that's all for tonight. I wish I was able to blog more right now. Back to my DARK quiet room with soft pillows and covers. ;o)))) I have 2 big boys and 2 little girls sleeping in my room with me tonight. I've been laying down for an hr and one by one they keep creeping in here. Weekends are special times where the kids can take turns sleeping in our room with us (mostly they camp out on the floor), one often goes to sleep by me and Marc moves her to the floor when he comes to bed.

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