I'm afraid to really face some of the feelings and fears that I have about all this. And I'm scared to death of what others will think about me now. I feel like I must have failed as a christian, because otherwise I wouldn't be so messed up now.
When I first heard the Dr. tell me I was bipolar I spent the first day thinking there may be hope that I can get better, the day after that I thought I have to be positive, I have to think and say the right things, so that I'm not weak or crazy, and more than anything I figured I had to prove that I actually do love and care about Jesus and that I do try to trust Him.
The part about loving Jesus and caring about trusting Him.. that's true.
I do love Him, and I do want to rely on Him but there are all these other feelings and thoughts that I don't know what to do with.
One of the biggest fears I have is the fear of being rejected and looked down on from the people I love (and people I will meet).
When I wrote the first email to my Mother and Father in law telling them that I'm bipolar I told Marc that they will probably think I'm not good enough for their son, and that I'm not a competent or adequate Mom for their grandkids. Marc told me that was far from the truth and it was.. They have always been completely awesome with me and have recieved me and supported me so it wasn't at all a reflection of them, I was just afraid. They of coarse responded with much love and support which blessed me more than they will ever know.
I'm afraid that the people who I love and respect will look at all this as just a spiritual weakness on my part. I'm afraid that people will think I'm just crazy and not want to be close to me.
And I've really struggled with feeling like I have to get it all figured out and get over it before I can really be close to Jesus again. I guess I'm so afraid of how others will view me now because of how negatively I view myself. I feel like damaged goods, not able to be effective for Jesus. Who wants to believe or trust a crazy person. I mean I'm up and down and people won't know how to take me right?
And I worry that my family (and friends) will just see me continueing to mess everything up, failing over and over again.
I'm not just worried that they will think that but I'm worried and scared that I will really do that.
I'm afraid of what is to come in the future. I'm afraid that I won't know how or be able to change and make new good decisions and patterns.
So now what?
I don't want to let this label ruin me, yet I don't want to use it as an excuse to continue to do or be like I am, and I don't want to be viewed as a mixed up Christian that just doesn't believe God enough or she wouldn't be in this place.
Today the guy that preached talked about God coming into our brokeness and chaos and loving us through it. My coping mechanism to just stuff it down further and pretend everything is great and shut God and others out. I don't want to look like I have a weak faith or that I don't trust Jesus as much as I should. Pride I guess, and lots of fears. Yet when I don't let Him in I'm NOT trusting Him with my heart.
I've felt like I have to get rid of all this before I can really expect to be close to Him again or be used by Him again.
I just don't understand it all. I don't want to be like this. I hate the way I am and I hate that I can't make all this go away.
It's late and I'm tired so I'll stop here.
As you can see I have a long way to go, I'm not where I need or should or want to be.
I'm frustrated, I'm sad, I'm grieving, and I'm confused. And that's just the beginning.