Monday, February 8, 2010

I'm good tonight.

I'm starting to settle down a little. I've felt really obsessive about trying to figure it all out.. But thanks to the encouragement of several wonderful people (Marc, My sister Melissa, and My Mom-in Law Ellyn) I'm feeling like I can finally relax a bit and just be. I've been stressing so much about what people will think and what I need to do to figure it all out. It feels really good today to just be and not think so hard about it all. I've got to accept that I won't understand it all and I can't see or know how things will play out in the future and that it's ok.
Today I enjoyed my babies and enjoyed my bible reading and I journaled a little bit on paper.. just to Jesus.
I feel good. I got a little nap this afternoon and that was so nice too. I'm still not sleeping well but thankfully the nightmares are mostly gone. I knew that was a side effect of medicine that would get better but man that was no fun! I'm not having as many headaches from the medicine either.
Last night after blogging about the fears I have I went to bed and I just felt so sad. Things hurt right now. I was able to just cry and let it out, just me and Jesus (Marc was asleep). I know crying is a normal emotion for most, but it's one that I hardly ever do. I've been shut down for so long that my heart has become hardened. Although it hurts, it also feels good to be able to cry and grieve and allow myself to feel where I'm at.
I'm going to sit and enjoy an "inside date" with my awesome hubby while we watch a show and eat some chicken empanadas. Yay!

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