Life giving truth serum

I lay in bed and remember.  Without any invite or welcome the memories come in like a flood. I allow them though. I give myself permission because I know that with Jesus I can face the pain and healing will come. 

If I run away and shove the feelings down far and ignore myself the pain doesn't go away, nothing gets better, time doesn't heal.  Covering up, closing up, shutting down doesn't get me one step closer to getting past the pain, it locks me inside it.  My wounds gets no light, no clean water, no medicine. Infection sets in and the yuck festers, burrowing deep inside.

There's only one way to get at that type of infection. To cut straight into it, to dig down deep and get to the root of the infection because no amount of surface scrubbing is going to heal those type of wounds. The ones that cut so deep you wonder if you'll die on the operating table.  But that surgery... That cleaning and cutting out is the only chance we have at living at all. 

Some may say I'm dwelling, and if I begin to do that I trust Jesus will show me.. But right now I honor Jesus by being true, by being real. I allow my Savior to rip off my dirty self applied bandages so that He can bring life giving, life lasting doses of truth serum to a girl crippled by fear and self hatred. We can't perform surgery on ourselves. We need a physician, we need THE Great Physician. We must give consent though. He won't force us. He's a gentle God, pro-active but gentle. 

So I dare to look at my wounds. I examine them. I do it with Jesus. I was raped. It was awful. I was scared to death, I sobbed the whole time and begged him to stop. I begged God to save me! 

The words ramble on in my mind and my heart beats hard in my chest. I remember how helpless I felt and how I tried to find a way out. The more I fought the rougher he became and the more I paid for my resisting. Eventually I quit fighting. I wonder if I could have done something different to prevent that night. I know I couldn't have yet I think through each step and play out what might have been had I....

What is it in us as people that we seem to think we should be able to do more than we can, that doesn't give ourselves the grace we seem to be able to give each other? I look back and even now I know I couldn't have prevented it, I even know that by giving in I ultimately could have saved my life.  Yet my mind still wants to play the "what if" game. What if I had gotten out of the car and ran? What if I had peed on him or bit him or just went ballistic? Maybe then he would have stopped? But nope really I know in my heart there wasn't one thing I could have done to change that man's mind or his actions. Makes me realize just how second nature it is for me to try to take responsibility for someone else's actions even in a situation of such obvious offense. I think a lot of women tend to blame themselves in some form for their abuse. Shame is a powerful tool in the hand of the enemy and he uses it often in this area. Shame though is only as powerful as we believe it to be. We must grab ahold of God's truth and allow His love to extinguish our shame. 

I pray that God continues to show each of us more and more of the truth and lead us into deeper love and healing. 

I'm thankful that God is not only willing to examine my wounds and tend to them,  but that he already knows the full extent of just how bad they are and delights in healing them. 

I am grateful He is giving me insight on thoughts and beliefs that aren't in line with the truth. I'm thankfully that He truly knows what happened, truly knows what I felt, what I feel and that I can count on Him always walking this journey with me and for me.
Praise God we don't have to hide and we don't have to face our pain alone. It's in the opening up and surrendering that He is able to do healing and I'm learning that as Joyce Meyer says.. It's ok to "do it afraid" because I'm doing it with Jesus.
Lean into the pain and lean into Jesus. 

No darker night

Nothing is sweeter to me right now than my Savior's voice. I am awed and grateful that the God of the universe chooses to talk to ME.

God has been deepening my understanding of just how present and close He was with me the night I was raped. Nothing went from the hands of that man to my body that didn't first go through the body of Jesus.

God gave me a vision where I saw that man's hands reach towards me and go straight through the back of Jesus before touching me. It was like God was a human shield and He felt everything I felt.
In my darkest hour, the most terrifying night of my life, I lay there being stripped of all my dignity, in complete raw and utter helplessness and loss of control,  being laughed at and told no one would hear my cries for help....and I felt alone. God didn't just watch as a bystander "present" with me, He entered into my pain and experienced what I experienced. My tears were not the only tears shed that night.

This wasn't unfamiliar ground for Him though. It makes me think about what it must have been like for my precious Jesus, the night He endured the cross. There was no darker night than that, the night he was stripped of His clothing, beaten and bruised, laid on a cross naked, laughed at, mocked. People questioned why His God wouldn't save Him.

It is comforting to know Jesus knows the pain and anguish I felt that night. He too experienced the stripping of clothes, but even more so the stripping of His heart. He too questioned where His Father was at... and He too had a Father that felt every tear, every drop of sweat and blood that fell from His brow. Nothing touched Him that night on the cross that didn't first go through the hand of His Father, God.  He wasn't alone, nor was I alone.

Realizing I wasn't raped alone, knowing that He chose to go there with me, knowing He experienced what I experienced deepens my understanding of His love for me.  He chooses to go into the valleys with us. He isn't afraid of our mess, He knows our humanness and loves us in it.

He is giving me greater confidence in knowing that He is truly present, always with me.
Just as we as people grow closer together when we experience hard things together, I am growing closer to Jesus as I embrace and realize just how alive and active He is in my life.

"All to Jesus I surrender,
All to Him I freely give;
I will ever love and trust Him,
In His presence daily live."

He saw, He loved, I remember

I'm always so amazed at the way God puts His finger on things, at just the right time, and does just what we need and can handle... yet doesn't leave us there. He brings things back to us, as often or as much as we need and to the depth we allow Him because He desires for His children to come into deeper healing and deeper relationship with Him. He isn't willing to allow anything to hinder or come between us and the fullness of His love. He has many time over many years went to some deep dark corners and has exposed and broken some heavy chains. He does it with great gentleness and compassion. 

About 3 years ago I had a really harsh trigger that reminded me of  when I was rape at 13 years old. I started having flash backs and I was in a bad place. A precious friend went with me to see my counselor. During that session it felt as though I was right there, in that car, with that man being raped all over again. I was shaking and felt like I was hyperventilating. My counselor asked me to pray a simple 1 sentence prayer.... "God, show me where you were at when I was being raped". I could hardly utter the words and as I half heartedly tried everything in me screamed NO NO NO I don't want to know, don't look, don't tell me, I don't want you to see me, I don't want to know!!! For months, if I thought about it I would say no. No Jesus I don't want you to look and see me lying there naked, ugly, exposed, dirty, ashamed. I don't want to go there with you. Shame just dripped from my heart and eventually it wasn't something I thought about. 

About a year ago when I was reading a scripture I felt like God said to me "Becky that night, my eyes were looking into your eyes, we were one that night". The thought that Jesus was just seeing my eyes, that was comforting to me. After all, that meant He didn't see my ugly exposed body. 

About 2 months ago I went to a healing night of praise and prayer that my church and another local church does. I went up for prayer... mainly because I was struggling with how I view myself and how God views me. I felt compelled to ask a friend's dad who is a pastor to pray with me because I was needing fatherly love. He said He felt like God wanted to speak to me about my name and what it means and who Rebecca was in the bible. He also told me that my bipolar, being raped, and having a broken family and childhood and the way God has brought me through all that was my story. He said "this is your story, embrace it. Accept yourself and give yourself grace and forgiveness and LIVE YOUR STORY."
I know that part of my calling in this life is to live a life of suffering for Jesus. To speak up and speak out for the truth and for God's love and redemption. I feel passionate about the fact that satan uses our silence as a way to keep us bound in chains. He wants to keep us from the freedom God wants to give us through opening up, baring our souls and allowing the love of Jesus to break into our darkness and expel the lies of the enemies. 

Satan wants those of us who have experienced sexual assault/abuse/rape or any type of abuse for that matter to believe that we are dirty, worthless, victims who should be silent and not speak up about the shame and pain we've experienced. If he can hold us to the lies that we are broken used goods that should be ashamed he can keep us in the darkness and paralyze us into silence. God says "we shall know the truth and the TRUTH shall set us free". He also says that "the light shines in darkness; and the darkness can not overcome it".  God desires us to be real and true and the only way to the light is to expose the darkness to the light and allow God's truth to permeate every dark corner until the light shines in them all. Satan wants to keep us bound, but what satan means for harm God will use for God. We have to stop allowing satan to have what wasn't his in the first place. 

So after talking with Steve Seamands that night at the healing service I spent some time over the next week looking into my name and it's meaning.... 

Rebecca means: Captivating, to bind, bound. 

Rebekah in the bible is described by gateway as "The wife of Issac, A woman of godly character but not without her human weakness."

 I LOVE THAT.  So describes me... I am quite aware that I have quite the human weaknesses!!!!  It goes on to describe Rebekah as:

"a caring heart, very beautiful, a woman of godly character. Something of great worth in God's sight (1 peter 3:3-4)   Also described as "a woman of discernment, a woman of prayer, and a servant." I read several different references that referred to Rebekah as beautiful. I started to hear God calling me Beautiful Becky. That's what a precious friend has called me for quite some time but I had never believed it. 

I've known my name means captivating, I use to have a picture on my bedroom wall with a butterfly, my name and the meaning. I never much cared for it. I mean captivating... what's the big deal. 

Until about a month ago when one of my best friends spoke at renewal and shared her story. It wasn't her story, as I've heard it many times but it was the way she used the word "Captivating and captivated" like 8 times during it!! She had never before used this word to describe things that I can remember. During her speaking God was speaking directly to me... so strongly that I got out my phone and started writing it down in my notes...

"Becky, you are captivating to me. Will you allow me to be your captive audience? That means you will have my full attention just as you have my favor". That went really deep because God had also been talking to me about why I haven't been able to trust Him and how my earthly father and our relationship growing up had affected my relationship with my Heavenly Daddy. I had tried to win my dad's approval and I had watched as my sister always captured it! (Dad I know you will read this and I want you to know I love you with my whole heart and Praise God He's healed and He's redeemed our relationship!!) So that night as my friend spoke and God spoke directly to my heart.... when He said "you will have my full attention"... it went deep, so deep. It meant that my Daddy would notice me, He would see me and he would have His eyes on me! That's all I had ever wanted from my earthly Daddy. HALLELUJAH!!!!  What freedom!!!!!!

About that night, the night when I was naked and exposed, broken and in my eyes tainted and ugly.... God spoke to me and revealed to me that I was captivating to Him. He told me that He SAW my naked body lying there, He SAW me being wounded and broken, and He saw my body as beautiful. He didn't have to look away, cover His eyes or shutter like I had imagined. He watched, he felt, he SAW and He too was broken. We were one. I wasn't alone.

And now this week... another trigger.. and I was taken back to many many years ago....  BUT this time it's so incredibly different. I KNOW that God is wanting to heal new places in me and give me a love for myself and the ability to receive the love He has for me in deeper more real ways than ever before. Normally in the past when I've thought back on the rape I've felt a lot of shame and inferiority and yuck. I haven't been able to love myself in those places. 

This week I've been watching that little girl's story unfold in my mind and as God takes me from experience after experience I am seeing that little girl, myself with so much love and awe at how brave I was, how trusting in God I was, how hopeful and thoughtful I was. God's love in me, He was in me working and helping me. I couldn't have made it without Him. I prayed the whole time I was being raped, I prayed through the days, weeks, months, years that followed. I did tons and tons of asking why, I sought HIM. I felt suffering and I felt closer to Jesus during some of the darkest nights of anguish because He and I we were one. I felt the suffering of Jesus and I will never be the same for it. 

I am looking back and allowing Jesus to walk me through and I see countless ways that He walked me through, He carried me..... HIS LOVE. He loved me through it. There was nothing except His love that got me through it. I see people He put in my path just for me.
I remember a youth counselor calling me on the night I had secretly decided to take my own life. She called right  after I had looked at the cheesy picture of my Smiling Jesus on my wall and half heartedly cried out to God to "Show me He was still there somehow". She said she had written a song for me and proceeded to sing it (and played her guitar) on the phone... it was exactly what I needed.

 I see one of my most precious youth leaders, a precious friend and mentor to this day... she is 8 months pregnant there at the court trial with me, sitting in the back, just there to stand in the gap for me.
I see my youth group leader friend who sat with me for hours in her car each week after she would take me home from youth. She and I joked about having a shirt that said "I don't know" because I was constantly asking why. She never rushed me and didn't try to fix me. 
I see my friend and I in her seminary dorm room sitting and just being together. I see her praying with me on youth retreats. 
I see my Mentor, my 2nd mother, praying with me, tucking me in when I spent the night, telling me over and over that God will bring good out of it even when my response was often just a shrug. 
I see my youth leader/ 2nd father throwing a paper wad at me on the bus on the way to talk to the lepers in the village in boma dominican republic. I see him loving me caring about me. I see him so much in my story. 
I see my Youth Pastor and I see myself kneeling at the alter and I see the hands, the angel that were lined up behind me.... I feel my Youth Pastor like a father with his hand on my head praying over me. I see myself stand up and turn around and no one is there... yet I felt them there. 

I see myself standing there outside my teacher's classroom, the teacher that I told. She was the first person that spoke the word "RAPE" and put a name to the horror I had been secretly and silently living with for 3 months. She sat by me at the court trial. 
I see my daddy coming to the school to get me (on testing day no less!) because he knew that I had taken a small pair of scissors to my face the night before in hopes that someone would see that though the trial was over I was still hurting and I needed someone to notice, I see the earrings and shirt that he bought me that day, I remember the love I felt in getting a gift, my love language satisfied. 
I see the angel, the tiny little angel my Mom got me and gave me the morning of the court trial. It had a little saying about it being my guardian angel to watch over me during my trial. I see my Mamas hand writing and all my family's names. 
I see the card my dad gave me with the little teddy bear on a rocking chair and the words inside "I am holding you in prayer" and my favorite scripture to the left. Jeremiah 29:11.. I clung to those words... NOT to harm you... a future and a hope. 
I see the police man turn around during the court trial and say that the man had an IQ about 2 points higher than a field onion" and how special that made me feel. 
I remember the man who was my Dad and Mom's friend giving my parents a card that said something about taking me shopping and buying me something special. I remember that it made me feel known, and seen. 
I remember the first time I shared my testimony at a youth retreat with lots of other youth groups in PA. I remember going silent in the middle. I remember my friend discouraging me from doing it because she was scared it would be too hard for me. I remember the people, the leaders especially... I remember the tears they shed for me.. and for themselves. I remember the time I gave my testimony at a summer camp I counseled at during our night devotion time. I remember the guy that came up to the alter that night and wept for the sin he had committed to another girl. I remember him asking me to forgive him and I remember the forgiveness I felt. 
I remember the time a Youth leader came to me after I shared my story at Indian Springs, I remember where she was standing in our cabin and how she asked in anguish how she could ever forgive the man who had done the same to her. 
I remember my sister telling us the story of how God supernaturally spoke to her and her friend when she was thousands of miles away in a different country telling them to pray for me. Later that day she got a letter from my mom that reminder her to pray for me at 9am on July 1st during my court trial...  that day... it was July 1st and she and her friend had been prompted to pray for me.
I remember the night sitting at the reservoir pleading to God and God gave me a vision of Jesus dying on the cross, the pain the bleeding, the terror and then I saw this man, this man who had taken my innocence. I saw that God loved this man and Jesus's death on the cross was for that man too. That night I forgave that man.

I remember a youth leader telling me I was brave and they were proud of me after much deliberation I did the trust fall on a youth retreat. I remember looking back into the eyes of a friend and seeing that his eyes were full of jesus love, and not the eyes of the man who had taken a piece of who I was from me... And I was finally able to fall and trust. 
Those little things, tons and tons of them... experiences that look little and silly to some were huge pieces of the puzzle of healing on my journey. The way the principle would move the big trash can against the conference room door when the detective would come talk to me at school. All the while my teacher was right there beside me holding my hand...
They are all "I LOVE YOU'S" from my sweet Jesus. These experiences, I never walked any of them alone. God was so present.  He uses His hands and feet, the body to help heal my brokenness.  

So today I walk down memory lane, I remember. But I HONOR. I honor myself and the battle I fought,  but most of all I honor my Jesus and the battle He fought and I realize a little more that He did it because He loves me. He LOVES me. He loves US so. 
I have a feeling this is just the beginning of remembering for me right now... but I'm not scared and I don't mind. Looking at my brokenness through the lenses of Jesus and His love is TOTALLY different than looking back and remembering through satan's shame filled lies!  It's time for satan to step down and Jesus's love to flood me with truth. It's time I embrace the love that Jesus died to give me and it's time to believe in myself again and see that little girl for who she was and who I am.... brave, captivating and beautiful.

The link to part my story:
http://the8dunlaps.blogspot.com/2013/10/part-of-my-story-abuse-talked-about.html
more of my story about my childhood and bipolar struggle as well:
http://the8dunlaps.blogspot.com/2012/01/my-story-warning-this-is-about.html

Part of My Story, (sexual assault talked about)

I wrote this over a year ago... Praying that it will encourage someone to let Jesus a little deeper......

I want to say up front that this blog entry is sensitive.  Sexual abuse, I think, is often not openly discussed because it's deeply personal and it's deeply painful. I'm sharing some of my story with the prayer that God will use it to continue my healing, and to encourage others that there is hope and healing through Jesus. I do not tread upon the subject lightly. I share from my heart, from my experience, from the deepest parts of me, from the places that only Jesus really knows.

I think Satan uses the Secrecy and hush hush that accompanies such a personal violation as a means to keep us isolated and bound.  Satan comes to steal kill and destroy and if we let him he does a good job of it.

God desires healing and wholeness and if we let Him He does an amazing job of it! Bringing the darkness into the light exposes it and the darkness is overcome by the light. Jesus wants to do that with the dark places in each of our lives. Our Father's heart is deeply compassionate and near towards the broken hearted.

Sexual abuse cuts the deepest parts of the soul. pierces deep into the core of who we are as people, it tramples the soul, breaks the heart, mangles the mind, and leaves a cloud of pain behind. I pray that those who have been sexually abused or violated will find  hope and healing through Jesus.

Jesus created us, He knows our deepest parts Nothing is hidden from Him. He knows us outwardly and He knows us inwardly. He knows what's been hidden in the dark and what's inside in the dark.
Not a moment Does He turn away from us. He knows, and He fully understands, He bears our burdens, with us. Even when everything inside screams we are alone, we are never alone. Never alone.

I'm sharing my story for many reasons, first because it's a form of healing for me, Second because after I was violated I wanted to read and hear about other people's stories. I wanted so desperately to find someone, anyone who could relate. I needed to know I wasn't alone. It became part of my healing process. Another reason I am writing about it is because I believe satan uses isolation and secrecy to keep people bound in shame and hurt. If he can keep things hidden, we won't find healing. For me writing is one of the ways God works in my own life. I want those who are afraid to share or have not been given the ability to have a voice to know You are not alone, even when everything inside feels alone, you are not alone.... you are *never ever* alone. (Deutoronomy 31:6 Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.)

When I was 13 I had a best friend. She and I did everything and went everywhere together. Our lives pretty much revolved around our friendship and youth group. We were inseperable. If I wasn't at her house, she was at my house. Her mom had her baby brother when we were in 7th grade and we pretty much "mother'd" that little baby boy. I happen to like babies. I remember meeting him in the hospital the day he was born and his little wrinkled toes and legs were just so precious. :O)
The summer before 8th grade My friend went for a month or so to stay with her dad in a different state. One night I babysat her baby brother so her mom and her mom's boyfriend could go out. Around 12am I started to get worried. I didn't like the dark, and being only 13 that was a late time at night to still be babysitting. Her family was VERY poor too so they lived in a beat down trailer that had mice. I started counting down the minutes for them to return. They returned and the boyfriend said he was taking me home. I lived up a hill heading out of town, when we got closer to my house he sped up, and drove right past my house. By that time I was screaming and sobbing and had no idea where we were going. He drove down around curvy winding roads, for what seemed like a long time, it was so dark outside. He pulled off the road into some gated off parking lot. It was surrounded by trees and bushes. I was somewhat aware of where we must be because of the winding roads, but I was far from home and really disoriented. The more I resisted the more forceful he became. I remember *every*single*detail* and I wasn't sure if I was going to live or not. He was violent and evil and I was scared to death. After he was done with me he drove me home and as we winded around all the bends he pulled out his knife again and reminded me of what he would do to me if I told anyone. He dropped me off at home, I went to my parents bedroom, stuck my head in the door and said "I'm home" and I went and hid my clothes way down in the back of my bottom drawer and I went to bed.
I didn't tell my parents or anyone else except my friend (who told her mom, who then kicked out this boyfriend). I was scared every single time the phone rang that it would be my friend's mom, that she would tell my parents. She told me I should. I waited 3 months to tell anyone. It was summer time and my family spent a lot of time out on the lake boating/skiing/tubing and we were having so much fun. I thought that if I told it would ruin our fun times and ruin my family.
On the first day of school we met all our teachers. I knew that day that my English teacher was someone I could confide in. She was this beautiful woman that was strong, so sweet and tender, and she said the words that I so needed to hear. She stood in front of class and told us that if any of us ever had a problem, if we ever had something terrible that we needed some one to tell that would accept them and help them, that she would. I felt sick that day, a nervous sick, that I might someday be able to tell my secret. Within a month into the year my English teacher gave us an assignment to write a paper that was to be about 3 wishes. Being my sweet tender little self (I really did have a heart for people) I wrote about how 1-I wished that everyone in the world would be saved, 2-That there would never be anymore world war. and 3-That "that" would have never happened to me. I didn't even know then that what had happened was called rape. I just knew he forced me to have sex. As I wrote about that 3rd wish my writing got so bad that it was hard to read, and I remember being so sick and nervous. The wait until she read and graded our papers was hard. I kept asking her if she had read them. That paper later was used as evidence when my parents took him to court. Finally one day I handed her a folded up piece of paper that said "I need to talk to you sometime". She called me into the hall that day and it went from there, I told her everything, and she called my mom in and told her, and we went home and my mom told my dad... and we went to court, he went to jail.... and the process went on.

It's been 12+ years since I've needed to work through anything relating to that. I spent my high school and college years dealing with and working through what had happened, and also had worked through forgiving that man. I felt like God had completely healed me from it. And He had, as much as I could have as a young adult, and needed at the time. And that brings me to the last couple months...

I saw this man in town 2 months ago, we both looked each other in the eyes and really stared at each other. I couldn't believe I was seeing him and especially not so close, and with my children in tow. He looked exactly the same, except his hair was grey. His eyes were the same. And It stirred me in a way I hadn't expected.
The night I was raped, satan took what wasn't his to take. He took a piece of my heart, and he left me broken and exposed. He lied to me and told me I was dirty, and that I should cover up, hide, be ashamed. Satan 's purpose is to steal, kill, and destroy. Surely sexual abuse and rape are among his greatest attempts at bringing that about. I believe with my whole heart though that this, even this, God covered on the cross. Even this, the deepest violation of the soul, was cleansed by the blood that flowed free from the body of Christ, His blood poured out for us, his body exposed and broken, so that our brokeness can find His life.

Over the years that followed, I've found healing and hope that could have only come from Jesus. Time helps, but time doesn't truly heal, only Jesus's work in us can over time heal. I've found Jesus to be comfort to me when I need it, strength to me when I've been too weak to go on, light when all I could see was dark, peace when I'm afraid, patience when I try to walk alone. I truly don't think I could have walked through the valley of the shadow of death without God there to hold my hand, to tell me I could go on, and show me the way.

I'm 34 years old now, and after 12 years of not needing to deal with or address anything relating to the rape I am at the place where God is showing me He want's to do a deeper work. I don't like that, my response initually (and still kinda) is that it's been 20 years since I was raped. Really, after all these years, is it necessary to bring it up again? My counselor, my friend who's a counselor, my husband, they all agree that God does the healing that we can handle and need and in His timing. After 12 years of having babies, post-partem depression, bipolar diagnosis, after all that time God wants me to get free and heal just a little deeper. Ok Lord, I don't wanna but I will because I trust You. (remind me God that I said that when I try to change my mind about that one)

Jesus created us, He knows our deepest parts. Nothing is hidden from Him. He knows us outwardly and He knows us inwardly. He knows what's been hidden in the dark., and what is seen openly. He knows the memories, the shame, the brokeness. Not a moment does He turn His eyes away. He knows exactly what happened that night, and exactly what it felt like. He too cried every tear, spoke every plea, felt every touch. He experienced it on the cross, and He experienced it with me. And as my Creator, My Father, the One that loves me most, how it must have hurt Him.

Our sexuality is one of God's most precious gift. It is a deeply intimate and private part of who we are. God has designed us that way. When someone is sexually abused or raped a part of who we are is taken, stolen from and trampled on. Our sexuality is the most vulnerable part of who we are, that's part of why it is God's design to be saved and enjoyed in marriage only. For me I felt exposed, and I felt the need to hide, to cover up, both physically but more so in my heart and mind. I didn't feel safe anymore. It felt like the ugly dirty hands that had marked my body, had also marked my soul. I didn't realize until lately how much those feelings have carried over under the surface even now. I'm walking some of it through again and I'm asking God to show me His perspective, what He sees, what is His truth.

When I was younger I often wished people who knew what had happened would ask me more what was going on inside my head; the flip side of that was, when they did I froze. My mind was paralyzed by this secret world of pain that was "hiding out" behind the silence. I wanted people to ask, I wanted people to keep pursuing me, but when they did I was scared to death and I didn't know how to open up, I was afraid my dirt and shame would show. There was a nightmare going on inside my mind that I couldn't turn off. I wanted people to ask me what happened, what memories I couldn't let go of, what my mind was seeing and thinking. It often seemed like people didn't want me to really talk about it, like it would be more hurtful to me, like it would bring up memories. It really was the opposite. As much as I pushed people away, acted like I didn't want anyone to know or talk to me or ask about it, on the inside I was screaming for others to not leave me and to be close to me.

I had youth counselors (from youth group) that did ask and didn't stop loving and pursuing even though it often meant they had to sit in silence with me for what seemed like hours. Even though we didn't speak I remember, I remember them there, I remember the silence but more than that I remember I didn't feel alone. Those minutes that often added to hours, they were healing. I remember those times, and the times I was able to just talk. It didn't have to make sense, I don't remember what I said or what they said, I just remember them, with me, not alone.

The times I was able to talk about it, pray about it, write about it, those were pivital points in my healing.

There were many many many youth group retreats that I spent off somewhere alone with Jesus and my mind. I remember just hashing out in my mind... why me? What is going on? I can't stand this, I can't stand what I feel, I can't feel you Jesus, I need you God. I can't handle what's going on, where I am at? Who am I? What is going on? Where are you God? I can't handle/stand this God.

Those youth retreats that I went on and felt so alone and hurting, He also met me in a deep way. God used those trips, the counselors, the speakers, the ministry times, He did big chunks of healing on many of those trips and I am forever grateful and thankful. I don't know that I would be alive today had I not had that kind of love, support and prayers.

One of the gifts Jesus gave me over those years was His presence. I felt Him so strong at times I felt like I could reach out and touch Him. It felt like I could reach out and touch Him. There were times that I felt so deeply hurt, but so deeply surrounded by God.

I couldn't sleep well. Night time was my hardest time. The dark felt really dark, the night was when I thought the most, when the memories were the clearest and my fears the strongest. Often when I slept I had nightmares so for a good part of my high school years I wished the night away and longed for morning. These were the times I poured my heart out to God in my journals, I read my bible and hung on every word, and He bore my burdens with me.

There were times where I pleaded with God to please please come IN PERSON and hug me, that I HAD to have Him physically there with me. I had this picture of Jesus Smiling on my wall. My friend's jokingly laughed about how corny it was, but it was the face that I prayed to and pleaded with so often. I remember one night where I didn't want to go on, it was the only specific time I remember contemplating and wanting to die. I pleaded with Jesus to SHOW me something, anything, that He was still with me, that He loved me, that I could do this. That evening a youth counselor called me and told me God had given her a song to write for me, about me. She sang it and played her guitar on the phone. She has NO idea that God used her in that way. It was something about sunshine coming in the rain or something "sunshine." The part that impacted me most was that God spoke to me, He answered my prayer.

I realized something this week though as I've processed a bit some of the things that are still lingering. I feel like one of the things that the rape took from me was my friendships, and my experiences with my friends especially in youth group and on youth retreats. While a lot of my friends were off living life and having fun, I was in this world of trauma and hurt that I couldn't deal with that I also couldn't stop or turn off. I feel that loss, of youth retreats and fun experiences, of friendships that were hindered and not deepened because of what happened to me.

As one who has walked through the trauma and pain and into healing, I can say confidently that I believe the verse in the bible that talks about God bringing good out of all situations. I had a close youth counselor (from church youth group) that would often say "Becky, I know you can't see it now, but God will bring good out of this." That was completely inconceivable to me and actually often frustrated me. (romans 8:28, And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.) I cannot believe though how incredibly true that scripture has become in my life in every area of my life.

I pray that God strengthens Your love for Him and challenges you to reach out and grab hold of hope, and to not allow fear to hold you back. If we let Him, God will come along side of us and walk this stuff out. It doesn't mean it won't be painful, it doesn't mean it won't hurt so bad that we will wonder if we can hold on, it doesn't even mean we won't get more beat up and hurt in the process, but it does mean He'll be there and walk it with us. I'd rather have Him by my side than walk it alone.
Psalms 23:3-5:
"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil,for you are with me;your rod and your staff,they comfort me".


Our Father's heart is deeply compassionate and near to the broken-hearted. It doesn't matter if we are christians or not, whether we think we deserve it or not, it's not based on how good or bad we are, what we've done or not done, it's His love, it's unconditional, it's for everyone of us, not one of God's children are exempt. He just wants us, and if we give our sins and our heart to Him, He in return forgives us and gives us eternal life with Him, He's ours now, and He's ours in heaven, and we're His now, and we're His in heaven. And that's good stuff.

Zeph 3:17
The Lord your God is with you,
He is mighty to Save.
He will take great delight in you,
and quiet you with His love,
He rejoices over you with singing.

Matt.12:20
A bruised reed he will not break, and a smoldering wick he will not snuff out, till he leads justice to victory.

Psalms 27 NIV:
1 The LORD is my light and my salvation—
whom shall I fear?
The LORD is the stronghold of my life—
of whom shall I be afraid?
2 When the wicked advance against me
to devour[a] me,
it is my enemies and my foes
who will stumble and fall.
3 Though an army besiege me,
my heart will not fear;
though war break out against me,
even then I will be confident.
4 One thing I ask from the LORD,
this only do I seek:
that I may dwell in the house of the LORD
all the days of my life,
to gaze on the beauty of the LORD
and to seek him in his temple.
5 For in the day of trouble
he will keep me safe in his dwelling;
he will hide me in the shelter of his sacred tent
and set me high upon a rock.
7 Hear my voice when I call, LORD;
be merciful to me and answer me.
8 My heart says of you, “Seek his face!”
Your face, LORD, I will seek.
9 Do not hide your face from me,
do not turn your servant away in anger;
you have been my helper.
Do not reject me or forsake me,
God my Savior.
10 Though my father and mother forsake me,
the LORD will receive me.
11 Teach me your way, LORD;
lead me in a straight path
13 I remain confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the LORD
in the land of the living.
14 Wait for the LORD;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the LORD.

Isaiah 43
1 But now, this is what the LORD says—
he who created you, Jacob,
he who formed you, Israel:
“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
2 When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.
3 For I am the LORD your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;
I give Egypt for your ransom,
Cush[a] and Seba in your stead.
4 Since you are precious and honored in my sight,
and because I love you,
I will give people in exchange for you,
nations in exchange for your life.
5 Do not be afraid, for I am with you;
11 I, even I, am the LORD,
and apart from me there is no savior.
12 I have revealed and saved and proclaimed—
I, and not some foreign god among you.
You are my witnesses,” declares the LORD, “that I am God.
18 “Forget the former things;
do not dwell on the past.
19 See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the wilderness
and streams in the wasteland.

Jer.29:11
11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Ps. 51:10-13
10 Create in me a pure heart, O God,
and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
11 Do not cast me from your presence
or take your Holy Spirit from me.
12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation
and renew a right spirit in me.

Ps 103:1-5,
1 Praise the LORD, my soul;
all my inmost being, praise his holy name.
2 Praise the LORD, my soul,
and forget not all his benefits—
3 who forgives all your sins
and heals all your diseases,
4 who redeems your life from the pit
and crowns you with love and compassion,
5 who satisfies your desires with good things
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.

Ps 126:5-6
Those who sow with tears
will reap with songs of joy.
6 Those who go out weeping,
carrying seed to sow,
will return with songs of joy,
carrying sheaves with them.

Prov. 3:24-26
24 When you lie down, you will not be afraid;
when you lie down, your sleep will be sweet.
25 Have no fear of sudden terror,
nor of trouble from the wicked when it comes,
26 for the LORD will be at your side
and will keep your foot from being caught.

John 8:32
For you will know the truth and the truth shall set you free.

Lam. 3:22-23
22 Through the LORD’s mercies we are not consumed,
Because His compassions fail not.
23 They are new every morning;
Great is Your faithfulness.

Romans 8:28,35,37-39
28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who[i] have been called according to his purpose.
35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?
37 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,[k] neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Isaiah 41:13
For I the Lord your God, will take hold of your right hand, and say to you, Do not fear, I will help you.

psalms 139
1 You have searched me, LORD,
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
you, LORD, know it completely.
5 You hem me in behind and before,
and you lay your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,”
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts,[a] God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand—
when I awake, I am still with you.
23 Search me, God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.

Joel 2:25
God will restore the years that the locust have eaten.

God can Restore and give back all the things satan has stolen. You can trust Him, He is worthy of our trust and we are worthy of His love. He made it that way when He died on the cross for us to save us from our sins and set us free from our past. He gave His Son so that we could have life.

His gift

Sometimes it seems easier, safer, less work to carry our hurts around rather than open up, be exposed to Jesus, to others, to people we love.
Somewhere in the process we give in to the idea that we can carry our junk around with us and keep it hidden, keep the heart safe.

Hearts broken from people we love, people we thought we could trust, hearts broken from sins of this world. Selfish people, unmet expectations, disappointments of crushed dreams. Hidden heartbreaks from hands that hurt the heart deep, hands that were made to cup a child's face tender, instead they touch the body dirty, breaking places deep in souls, hands lashing out in anger, hands pointing disapproval. Words thrown out that ring rejection, guilt, shame, unworthiness. Broken hearted Husbands and wives who's vows were broken, hearts torn in two, careers that don't work out, torn relationships that went astray. These are just a few of the hurts that many carry around.

Must wear the heart down heavy.

Some how, sometimes, we clench our fists, cross our arms, close up our hearts, our minds, and think we could have done better, that God could have done better.

We hide our hearts, we carry the pain in secret. Wishing for all that was, that wasn't, all that should have been. The if only's.
We allow satan the ability to pile on chains heavy, shoulders slumped down, head held low, mind worn, heart weary.

Satan works his ways subtle. He isolates us with lies, he deceives, He steals.
We have a choose, we can either go with the lies, the deceiver, the one who brings death, or we open up and expose our pain, we can surrender our barriers, our fears, our brokenness, resentment, unforgiveness and sin.

We can open our hearts, our ugly hurts, wide open to Jesus, to surrender it all, to give Him our all, every little bit that we are, our broken, our pretty, our nothing worth giving.

He takes us, He holds us close, He tenderly lights up the dark places. Surrender all of us for all of Him, all our weaknesses our secrets for all His strength and love. Fall into God's loving arms, His gentle hands that bear scars from our sin, our broken. Nails pierced for our sin, blood that flowed to cleanse us deep, a heart that holds so much love for us that was willing to give His life up for death, so we can behold life, healing, forgiveness.

God says in Matthew 11:28-30 Come unto me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

He asks, He knocks quietly, He whispers with longing, and He waits, He waits for our invitation for Him to come in, to dwell, to enter our hearts, our home, every room, every dark corner, every locked door, every cob webbed closet. , He takes it all in. He receives all of us. He longs to be our one and only, He comes in our heart's home with no hesitating, no judgement, no concern for the ugly, the darkness, the hidden places, where hurt dwells, questions hide, pain lingers. He doesn't flinch at our ugly, He sees the beauty, and He wants our broken. He sees our needs, our broken,, and He waits for us, for permission, to entrust our hearts to Him, so He can bring us into the truth of who we are in Him. Broken but lovely, afraid but safe, ugly but beautiful, weak but Strong.

He longs to bring life and joy, to bring rest to the trying and striving, and failing. He longs for our hearts to be hidden in His love, His safety, His work of healing walked out with vulnerable surrender. His Word pouring out truth, His promises held strong. His gift, His heart's desire, to mend wounds, restore the weary, to remove chains and make the heart whole.

Him being who He is, regardless of what we've done. Him receiving our broken and ugly, laid bare before Him; He takes our ashes and gives us beauty. Us set free from sin and death, brought into His light by His grace on the cross, the gift that cost Him everything, given freely to us. His beauty, His love, His everything, to us, even us, all sin washed with blood that flowed down, with nail scarred hands pierced with nails we pounded in. He exchanges our shame, our broken, our dirty, for His fullness of life, of joy, of hope and healing. All of Him, for all of us.

John 3:16-17 For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not die but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him.