Life or death

 Dec, 8, 2020

As my memories pop up on Facebook I am awed at the amount of times and the amount of years I have struggled with depression PTSD, and borderline personality disorder. I am also becoming aware of how much harder it has been every winter. The posts pop up in nov. and dec. (and I’m certain through March) more than summer time. Not surprising in some ways because I already knew that but to see them pop up on FB over and over is surprising.

I’m pretty certain that this year has been the worst so far, though I’m sure other years I thought the same thing.
I have struggled with life or death and the darkness has come so close at times that it’s all I could see or feel or think. I’m not proud to say there have been times the last couple months that I’ve wondered where and if God was there. I’ve spent 6 times in the hospital over the last 11 months. They were all brutal but necessary. I’ve grieved and need to grieve a whole lot of things. Being away from my family and knowing I can’t be there for my kids has been so difficult. My kids and God are so gracious though. I also had 19 ECT treatments (electro shock treatments That shocked the brain to give me a seizure to help the depression. that gave me lots of short term memory loss and a little long term.
My husband has been a rock and a gentle place to land when I have nothing left. He has amazed me. He’s taken months of work off at a time, cooked all our meals, been so gentle and patient, more patient than can be imagined. He has been so close when I need him and has been my biggest encouragement.
3 friends, Ellen Martin Missy MLmissy Meyer, and Annamarie S. Hamilton have been in a group text with me and have truly picked me up and held me when I was falling. Over and over again. I couldn’t have prayed for more true and supportive friends. They are my biggest cheerleaders and God has taught me that I am lovable and loved through these friends. My Mom Debbie Luke has also been so helpful. She has encouraged me, checked on me, and every single time we need anything she is right there so willing. I know She’s there and I can always count on her.
After this last month of 2 hospitalizations and a whole lot of struggling and pain I wasn’t able to see Jesus in the midst but now as I come out of this episode I see Him so clearly. A blessing though is after I start coming out of a really hard season I can see what was there all along, He was just covered up with darkness and despair. My prayer is that I can stay close and trust him in the midst but until then I’m trusting that He is patient and understanding and loves me anyways. Who knows, maybe I won’t have another episode. I can hope and pray right?