Sunday, May 10, 2015

Pieces of my heart

Lately I've been feeling God's proding to work through more of the rape. I feel like He's put His finger on some things and is reminding me to not forget that He has more healing for me and to stop and allow Him to walk me through it. A couple months ago I bought the Book and Workbook The wounded Heart...  last week I picked it up one night and as I read the very beginning of the book I found myself in tears as my heart echoed a resounding YES YES that's exactly how I feel!! I realized that I do indeed have a lot of beliefs, feelings, thoughts and hurts as a result of being raped. I worked through a lot as a teenager in counseling, I did a book called Courage to Heal that was good,  and over the years God has done deeper healing but as I read the words on the pages I realized that I had not processed a lot of it as an adult and that it was time. God wants greater freedom and healing and I want that too.
Last week I was talking with a friend who is also really involved in my journey to healing. She mentioned that the book has activities to do that use creativity as a way to process and work through things and that she could see me sewing as a part of that.... Well over the next week God has been unfolding a beautiful idea in my heart and I'm super excited about it.
Those that know me well and know I love to sew may or may not know that I only like super short projects that are able to be finished within a few hours.  I've sewn for years but always easy quick projects. I have said I would probably never make a quilt because I don't have the patience for it and it's too time consuming... Well God is funny and He's really put it on my heart to make a quilt, and not just any quilt but a hand pieced and hand stitched quilt.  I got the idea to make a grief/healing/journey quilt that I could hand stitch as a form of healing and as a way to be present and aware and process what God's teaching me...
God gave me this picture of the quilt as a representation of my healing journey... my life has had a lot of brokeness, lots of pieces that God has been taking and shaping and stitching His healing love throughout. He weaves His love and hope into our dark places. He is taking our brokeness and piecing it together to bring good from it.
 And was thinking maybe I will back my quilt with something beautiful that represents Jesus "covering" me throughout my journey.  And on the front He will be woven throughout all my pain and brokeness, weaving Himself stitch by stitch into my brokeness and creating something beautiful with all those pieces.
Those that know me know that I'm not really very consistent in many things.... so this could really take me a really really really long time... like years and actually I've been told by avid quilters that it probably will. I'm ok with that though. I feel like whatever I do will be part of the journey and will be healing and therapeudic so whatever this looks like and however this ends up is ok with me. God knows my story, He knows my heart, He knows my journey and He takes great time and detail in weaving it all together for me as He designs the masterpiece so I'm ok with this piece of my journey taking time.
 I want to allow Him to use this crafty project as a way to get to my soul, to heal pieces of me, to go into the basement of my heart and find the dark corners and begin to weave His light into those places that I have kept locked off. I want the act of creating beauty out of scraps of fabric to be a symbol and an avenue to a greater transformation of my heart... I want Him to take me from Shame and fear and mistrust to peace and freedom and confidence in Him. I want Him to so cover me with Himself that I would be able to allow Him to take all my brokeness and pain and weave Himself right through the middle and to show me just how deeply He has covered me throughout every single moment of my journey.  I want to be in the moment, fully present and feel quilting will be a peaceful and meditative thing that will aid me in that process.
This quilt is one that another lady made.. she had pieced and hand stitched it... when I saw it I right away saw Jesus as the backing and His love woven through all of the little tiny patches just as He weaves Himself through every part of our journey, stitch by stitch with much love.  This picture was my inspiration for this... it was made by a lady named JoAn Sutton. I love how it has tons of different prints that are all so unique and crazy, yet when woven together they make a beautiful masterpiece.
And then the 2nd picture is the first small handful of squares I cut out for my quilt. As I cut these out I spent the time listening to worship focused on healing and I also listened to a youtube video of a lady's journey to healing who had also been raped. I felt really close to Jesus doing this. Felt like I was able to honor my pain a little. I felt as if I was holding space for myself, for that young girl. It felt good to care for myself in this way. I'm thankful that Jesus holds space for us so well and that He was right there with me as I cut those first few squares out... just as He was with me during those first moments during and following the rape. He is so very present.
I read this quote tonight and it so touched me as my name means captivating... and I relate butterflies to my name since I had a framed picture on my wall that had my name and meaning and butterflies flying on it as a child/teenager. God spoke to me about the meaning of my name a few months ago and told me I was captivating to Him and that He was my captive audience, and I have His full attention and favor. 
"Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly". 


  1. you will be that butterfly, a beautiful, glorious butterfly!

  2. Thank you so so much Patti Ann!!! So very precious of you!!!!