Facts and Feelings

I'm asking all our friends and family to please pray for us. We need to have people holding us up in prayer.

I've not been mentally healthy for several months. About 4 months ago my doctor changed one of my meds and it didn't help. It actually made me rapid-cycle more often and more extremely, and has made depression worse. I hadn't realized how often and normal it had become and how the intensity of each episode was increasing. It had become so frequent and gradual. I often can't tell what's happening. Marc's usually very aware though and he's a good sounding board. There are other things that have been happening due to my mind not functioning properly that are just annoying. For example I haven't been able to articulate the words that I want/need to lately. I go blank on things or I say the opposite of what I meant etc. It's part of the mental strain or so I'm told. I'm learning to stop and process again what has been said to me and then purposely think about the words and response I want to say/have. Very frustrating. The kids think it's funny. :O)
On Monday everything came apart and I spent most of the day crying and not functioning well. Marc told me I had to call Dr. Bunge and go back in to see him. Tues. (yesterday) I went (reluctantly, I am already on more meds than I want, and some of them make me feel sick for several hours in the morning, and changing or tweaking dosages can throw me off even more for a while). My Dr. increased the dosages and times of day on my 2 mood stabilizers and decreased the one that he thought was making things worse. He said that the specific anti-depressant I am on (that he had increased months ago) can sometimes make bipolar worse and he thought it may be part of the rapid-cycling. All my other meds staying the same. I'm glad he's not adding or changing meds and I'm hopeful that this will help stabilize things. He said Rapid-cycling bipolar can be difficult to treat and stabilize vs. bipolar that cycles more slowly.

It was a good appointment though because I was able to ask A LOT of questions about things and I kind of understand a little better. I feel like I have a better understanding of bipolar and also the rapid-cycling after having him explain what actually happens in my mind and brain.

He also helped me to see how my perception of my relationship with Jesus looks and feels off, but that everything is still the same. I needed to hear that. I am really hard on myself and still try to find ways to "change" the way I think. So many people say that our relationship with God has a lot to do with how we direct our mind. I have a hard time accepting God's grace when I don't feel I deserve it. I know that totally defeats the truth of grace since it's a gift not earned. I've got to work through and accept things instead of thinking this is my fault. Marc always tells me "Just because you "feel" like something that doesn't mean it's really that way or that it's reality". Dr. Bunge said the same thing. I think my husband is pretty smart.

I also asked him if I will have to continue taking so many medications for the bipolar in the future or if it's just because we are in the beginning of figuring out what my body needs? My counselor and general doctor had told me that they didn't think I would always be on as many or as strong of meds forever. Dr. Bunge told me that generally when there's a combination of meds that works, we stick with it long term. He didn't think changing or decreasing later was an option. Bummer. I do understand this, just wish it wasn't like that. Still I wish there was something I could do to overcome it. and sometimes wonder what I could have done better to prevent it. I know deep in my heart that it's not like that, but my mind tells me otherwise when I'm not well.

That to say unfortunately today was a really bad day. I had a crappy morning and I didn't deal well with it. Really didn't do well.

I still at times grieve that it's an issue and that my family is so affected and I can't do what I want sometimes. I want it gone. I want to go back to the old me. Joyful and focused on other people and loving and caring and showing Jesus and not just a mess. Sometimes it feels like I've let God down, and myself and my family. Life isn't as I had expected life to be. I think it's true to say though that our plans never look like God's anyway. And He has the best for us. Truthfully I KNOW that Jesus wants me, just as I am, and He doesn't see me the way I do. He loves me regardless of my performance. That's who He is. And He brings good from everything, loves me completely. His eye is on the sparrow.

I don't know what I think about where or why or what with sickness and the heartbreaks of life, whether they just happen or what. I think our brokenness is a result of the fall and it began when we chose our own way in the very beginning. I don't know why He allows what he does, or doesn't allow what He doesn't. But it doesn't really matter. There is a lot we don't understand in life and I'm ok with that. I think the heart of it is are we going to follow and surrender ourselves to Him, or not? Do we believe or not? And do we choose him or not. I choose Him, I love Him, I can't imagine where I'd be without Him. He's always been who He says He is. He is love. He is life.

All of that I'm praying that Jesus helps me cling to in the hard times.
Thank you for your prayers and support. We need it.