I feel like missing pieces of the puzzle of my life the last several years are starting to be found.
I felt over-wired and wound up tonight. I realized in the middle of my talking to Marc that I was in my fast paced talking mode. I didn't sleep much last night. My mind was constantly trying to process and make sense of all this stuff all night long. I just couldn't shut it off. I've felt that way all day.
I said to Marc.. I can tell I'm obsessing over this.... and I'm wound... he said "I know Honey, I noticed but it's ok... I'll take these highs over your lows any day. I hate to see you so down like you've been."
It's frustrating to not have control over myself.
I've been reading tonight about rapid-cycling and ultra-rapid cycling since that is what the psychiatrist described my bipolar 2 as...
Things are starting to make some sense.
Sometimes I get a hyper or high feeling, so excited and wound up, but not really for any reason. When this happens I always talk Marc's ear off, talk super fast and my mind is crazy fast. After a few hours or days when coming off the high I'm tired from how overactive my mind has been. Then I may feel level or I may have a low. I'm easily aggitated and really moody when my emotions are bouncing around. It's a frustrating and stressful cycling. When I'm going low I beat myself up over how I am, what I'm doing or not doing, what I should be like as a mom, as a house keeper, as a wife.... and then in a day I'll just feel like something clicked and I'm back to me again, and ok. When I am going low I feel like I'm slipping away and I'm in this dark place. These times feel so long and unbearable.
I'm praying that the medications help me balance out.... and that things level out quickly. My Dr. said it would take some time and things may be rough in the transition. I can't explain how good it feels to start to understand myself a little bit. It really is giving me more hope to process and understand.
I'm really hoping that with the mood stabilizer he put me on, and the combo of other medicines that maybe I won't have these highs and lows. I much more often feel one end of the pendulum, either great or really horrible. I am often frustrated with my serious lack of any consistency or balance.
It's been several months of a low and although I'm all over the place right now, I'm atleast thankful that I'm not feeling so hopeless and horrible anymore. My family Dr. had switched a few of my medicines a few weeks ago and that really threw me for a loop. I felt so crazy that I considered being done with medicine period. I'm glad that my friends encouraged me to see a psychiatrist, someone who specializes in mental health. I needed that.
I have some questions for my Dr. when I go back next month...
One question I have is if the mood stabilizer and meds will help keep me from having highs and lows, or if it will just help overall.
I've been trying to think through in my mind when this bipolar stuff may have developed, but I really don't know. I know it's been a good 5 years or more.
Because I have many more lows than highs, and because the lows last so long, it's been really easy to just see those times as bad depression and not see any real patterns.
I haven't understood why I can't seem to find balance with things and I've been disappointed and frustrated with myself that I can't be like I want to be.
In my lows I pull away from everyone I love, and then I wonder why they don't care, or aren't there. I know that's what I do with God too. He is so patient, and so understanding. He has truly been the one steady in my life and so real and present with me. All my anger and frustrations towards Him at times, not understanding things... and He just loves me still. It's amazing to me.