Tonight has been a rough night. Lots of crying and praying and then crying and talking with Marc (those who know me know that crying is NOT my thing). I went to a bible/prayer group tonight (that Dr. D. J. (he's a pastor and counselor).. Tonight he was talking about really trusting Jesus and really going through the Word and taking God on what He says and who He is, not getting "use" to the scriptures and filing them in our minds as already learned etc. I walked away though and just kinda fell apart on the way home. I'm so conflicted on what it means to be a christian with being bipolar. What if it's just a made up thing that's really just a reflection of my lack of faith. Maybe if I had been letting Jesus heal and deal with me on my struggles these past years I wouldn't be like this now... What if bipolar is just man's way of masking an excuse for people's sin and reliance upon themselves (ME!) Maybe I'm just not trusting Him enough, or that I did something to cause this. I just don't understand and I don't want to hear people saying depression is just a lack of faith. The whole "Too blessed to be depressed" and you can just will and believe something and it will be healed. Some christians seem to think we can trust or believe our way out of our battles, especially in the mind. So why can't I do that with this? Am I just not letting God be who He wants? Is taking medication just an easy way out or a way to cover my issues? Ahhh I don't want to be a walking zombie or not really be myself because of medicine.
It's hard to be so out of control. I need the God's wisdom.
I'm afraid of what things will be like in the future. In 2 weeks I go back to my monthly cycle... and every month I dread it because I slip away into this dark place for a couple weeks. I just want to be healthy.
I have so much fear and confusion right now... Ok yes Marc's right.. this has to be an attack because I know that fear and confusion are not from God. I have so much fear... Jesus please forgive me and help me believe your Word.
I'm just going to stop now, Ask God to be the voice and the one who speaks to me, and for His love and truth to wrap me up. I so need Him. He is my Healer. His perfect love casts out all fear.
I know I'm not alone, but it sure doesn't feel that way right now. I just want to be healthy, and for this to go away.
Lean not unto your own understanding, but in all your ways (ALL) acknowledge Him and He WILL direct our path.
I'm yours Jesus. I'm nothing without you. Please forgive my unbelief and doubt, and give me Faith, and power to withstand the attacks and temptations of the enemy. You have already won this battle. You are all I need. You will and are supplying all my needs. I praise You.