From questioning, to accepting, to thanking. PART 1

This world can be an ugly place. We all know it, most of us know it first hand. It's easy to look at experiences and spend a good bit of time questioning... Why God? Why do I have to go through this? Why did you allow this? How could you let this happen? Where are you at God? What am I suppose to do now? Where were you when...? Why didn't you...? If only you had... Why aren't you answering me God? If you are good God then why? What do you want from me God?

These are hard questions, some deeply painful questions. These are human questions. I don't think they are good nor bad, and I think they are welcomed by God. If we can't tell Him the truth, if we can't go to Him and work through our messes with Him, how then can we be healed? Where then should we turn? This is what He wants, for us to be real, open, and surrendered to Him. Even if all we have to give is anger, or hurt, or questions. He'll take whatever we will give Him of ourselves. God knows us inside and out. He made us and knows everything about us. He knows our sinful ways too and in all of this He loves us still. (Psalms 139)

I absolutely do not know why God chooses to allow some things and not allow other things. It's a question I have wrestled with many times in my life. Most recently I've asked God why he has allowed me to have bipolar. Why He hasn't or doesn't just heal me. I've pleaded with Him to take it. I have no idea if my healing will come here on this earth, or if it will come when I walk through the doors of heaven and meet my Savior.

I do know though is it is coming. He promises healing for all of us. The One who came to save the world, He is coming back for us; and as we wait we have His Holy Spirit here to comfort us, to move in power on our behalf, to point us to Jesus and to minister to our hearts.
And when Jesus comes back for us (or when we are taken to be with Him).....
He will make all the wrongs right, take away every tear and all our sadness, every hurt. every harsh memory and all pain and sickness. One day we will be made whole with Him.

Right now, wherever we are and whatever we are doing, He love us. He has no favorites, no specials, He doesn't segregate us from "good" vs. "bad", He just sees us as His children, and He wants us, because He has this radical love that isn't based on anything about us, it's based on who He is and how much He wants to have our hearts. He has fierce love that was strong and real, deep enough to die for us, even in our sin.

With Jesus there is no such thing as "too bad" or gone "too far". He takes us as we are, loves us through it all, and if we ask Him to He will transform us into new people.

I'm praying for deeper faith, more trust, greater hope, and more thankfulness in my heart.
God has a purpose and plan for each of us; He will unravel it throughout our lives if we ask Him to, weaving it through love and pain. He works in His timing and His ways. (Jeremiah 29:11)

Stay tuned for Part 2!!

Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good, His love endures forever....

Asking hard questions

Writing for me is expressing my heart in ways my mind can't form. To speak the words that my voice can't form. Either because it hurts too much, or because I don't understand what I feel until I write it out, or I can see Jesus more clearly when I write, or for other reasons unknown.

It's also a place that I find I can be in the now, present with right now. Being in the now is my word and goal this year. This is important for me.
I'm not so good at staying present in my mind with what's going on in the moment, which means I loose the precious gift of the present.

My mind was jumbled this week, my emotions all over the place, and I couldn't find peace. So I wrote. I wrote out what was all over the place in my mind. I sort out the chaos and in speaking through writing God often uses it to bring peace.

As a teenager and young adult (college age) I use to write poems a lot. Ugly dark ones, beautiful bright ones, and all kinds of in between. It was a gift to me, a way to get out all the thoughts and feelings that were swimming on the inside. I also journaled like crazy. More than not it was a way for me to talk to Jesus about life's struggles. I could express my hurts, my questions, my joys, things God was teaching me, gifts He had given, and other times it was a way for me to shout out anger and hurt that was boiling on the inside when life wasn't fair.

Looking back this week at some of my journals, especially my poem journal I can see growth and processes God had me in that I wouldn't have realized if I hadn't written out what was on the inside.

So last week when my mind was spinning with thoughts and my heart with feelings.. I wrote.
It felt good to express in poem form.
And after doing so I felt a lot lighter, and it seemed to clear up some of the confusion I've had on my mind lately.

I've been thinking a lot about having to struggle through with a mental illness. This is sure not anything I would have expected or anything I would have chosen had I had a choice, and I haven't come to terms with how or why God has allowed this to be.
But one thing I'm learning lately is that it's ok to question. I've felt guilty for wondering why. I mean, it's not just something I can "overcome" and it definitly doesn't leave much room for consistency, 2 things that are important to me. It feels like even my ability to be used by God is inhibited by this illness. Seems unfair when my heart's desire is to love and serve Him with my whole heart, MIND, soul.

So yes I am questioning, and yes I still feel a little guilty about that but I'm learning a lot in the process. My sister reminded me this week that even Jesus questioned God on the cross. And she put it into perspective for me as a parent as well. If one of my kids feels something is unfair or they don't understand why, I would want them to come to me and question and talk with me about it. I would want to experience and walk through them with whatever it was.

Being real with Jesus and allowing Him in on my grief (the current emotion I'm feeling about it all) isn't easy but it's been surprisingly healing.
Someone that I know from a blog online (Ann Voskamp's blog) reminded me of something today when he replied to my blog entry from the other day. He said
"Don’t forget in the dark what God has shown you in the light."
I'm going to remember and read that often because when I am having a bipolar episode everything that was true in the light feels misplaced when I'm in the dark. That is a beautiful thought to remember.

Another thing that God used this week to show me His presence was 2 sweet sentences a very special person in my life replied on my facebook page. I had posted that I was "overwhelmed". This is the most common feeling I have when I get depressed. Hal replied with "He is sufficient and He is crazy about you." That I needed to hear. In all the struggling to do better, to get out beyond my weaknesses I had forgotten that "God is crazy about me." It made me stop and breathe and it put what's important and true into perspective for me.

So even in the questions, God is showing Himself faithful and confirming in various ways that He is ok with my questions, and that He is VERY active in my journey. He is the one after all that is bringing me closer to wholeness in all aspects of my life.

In a sense it feels good to allow myself to "feel" things out... it's not something I do well. I am much better at stuffing things down in and not facing what is really on the inside, or when I do I am not able to express those thoughts and feelings on the outside (other than through writing). I do feel Jesus present and for that I am grateful.

I'm so thankful that it doesn't matter how well I am doing, He is still loving me just as strong as ever.

I'll Thank You in the Dark (Just a little poem I wrote)

I sense the darkness near to me.
It surrounds and presses into me.
It grips me tight
and pierces deep.

The bright day sky fills with clouds thick
Day gives way to night
And light hides it’s face.
I struggle to see my way.

Nothing looks the same from here
The truth seems to fade to gray.
I try to stay focused Lord,
To keep my eyes fixed on You.

Here in this place
Everything feels like too much.
I get overwhelmed and anxious
And nothing seems right.

I reach out in the dark,
I call you in the night.
Your gentle hand takes me in.
your strong arms pull me close.

Your grace sustain me.
Your strength holds me up.
I thank you in the dark.
Your goodness gives me hope.

I cry out to You Jesus.
I beg You to take this away.
I pray that it won’t come back
But I find myself here again.

My heart doesn't know the reasons
why you choose to let it be.
My mind warring against itself.
Day after day.

I long for You to take this
To make my mind healthy again.
It feels so wrong to question
But I just don’t understand.

I resist and I fight.
Tears fall on the inside.
My heart sighs deep.
I don’t want to be here again.

I whisper out to you.
Your grace is sufficient for me.
Your power is made perfect in my weakness.
I have a whole lot of weakness Lord.

Caught in waves of despair
You calm this raging sea.
You lift me up above the water,
In Your strength no storm can engulf me.

You alone know my heart, my mind Jesus.
You created me and know me inside and out.
This life of brokenness isn't what you intended,
but You love me through it all, regardless.

Walk this with me Sweet Jesus;
Strengthen me through this with Your peace.
I’m clinging to you Jesus.
I'm thanking You in the dark.

You see me through it all.
You pour out your grace
You extend your mercy
You hold me steady.

I trust You to sustain me
even when the night finds me
I’ll cry out to You
because I know You rescue me.

You are so good to me Jesus.
I know You don't waste a thing.
Your love amazes me Jesus.
I'll keep thanking You in the dark.