When grief rolls in

Sometimes grief rolls in like a tidal wave.  It washes over us and engulfs ones being in just seconds and all is consumed.
In the ocean the tide rolls out as fast as it rolls in.

In the sea of grief, the tide often lingers.  It scatters and surrounds and soaks in and what once felt clear seems muddled and muted.  Grief begs to be noticed. If we ignore our losses, on the surface grief seems to disappear... but it doesn't really.  It soaks down deep into the depth of our soul and hides out there.

I've had my share of losses, and lately I've felt the Lord beckoning me back into the ocean. Calling me into the sea of grief.  I feel the tide coming in, the waves beating against my feet. When that tide rolls back out into the sea my losses are tossed up on the shore.  It feels as though grief has saturated my very essence and it's begging to be heard, to be felt, to come up out of the depths and be exposed. I know it's God calling me out,  and though I resist I know it's safe to enter in with Him. 

"Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
    I have called you by name, you are mine.
2 When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
    and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;
when you walk through fire you shall not be burned,
    and the flame shall not consume you."  Isaiah 43:1-2

I've spent more than half my lifetime stuffing feelings and controlling emotions. I've built up an army of false beliefs and self protection. I've also spent more than half my life seeking God's healing and longing for more freedom.  God has been faithful to heal and restore and break through brokenness as I surrender it to Him. Lately He has placed His finger in a dark corner in my heart, beckoning for me to let Him in so He can shine His light on my losses.  I've struggled to surrender. It's scary to face things kept hidden. 

The tide rolls in and grief washes over me. I walk the shore with my Jesus. We talk about things from many years ago. The tide rolls back into the sea and I watch. I look and I see what God has tossed upon  the shore.  I reach down,  pick one up.  One by one I count my losses. I examine them, and hold them to the Light of God's love.  I sit with my God and we linger there in the moment. We talk about things that were taken from me.  I open my hands to my Healer.  I ask Him what I need to keep and what I need to toss back in the sea. I feel the weight of my losses. He whispers to me "Child I will restore to you all that satan has taken from you.  It's in those moments that He enters into my sorrow. We remember together. We feel and we grieve. He and I, we become one. He enters into my pain. It's in those moments I am changed.

"I will restore to you the years the locust have eaten." Joel 2:25

“Yes, I have loved you with an everlasting love;
Therefore with loving kindness I have drawn you.
4 Again I will build you, and you shall be rebuilt. Jeremiah 31:3

I can trust my Father because He has proven His love to me time and time again. He has a perfect track record. He's never let me down.

 Father I ask You to give me confidence to trust and not fear, to feel and not cover up or close off, to embrace your Truth and not default to lies. I ask you Father to restore me and bring me into greater freedom in You. Redeem me from false beliefs, doubt and disappointment. Allow me to embrace who I am, who's I am, and who I am becoming.
Thank You for being with me on my journey, for making my story for Your glory, and for making me capable and able to work through, to recover and heal. You are my Everlasting Peace, my Redeemer. Thank you for Your favor, your promises, Your steadfast love. Thank you for for not discarding my broken pieces, but instead You create beauty from the ashes. You waste nothing and You restore everything. 

Isaiah 63:1-3

The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,
    because the Lord has anointed me
    to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
    to proclaim freedom for the captives
    and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor
    and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,

    and provide for those who grieve in Zion—to bestow on them a crown of beauty
    instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
    instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
    instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
    a planting of the Lord
    for the display of his splendor.

God you are so Faithful. Thank for what You've done, are doing, and will do.  All the glory and all my love to you!

Part of the journey

Tomorrow morning I will be speaking to the Embrace women's group who meets at GCF. I will be sharing my story. It's been a crazy week and I am just today sitting down to prepare for tomorrow. As someone who likes to write/journal I do my best thinking through writing (or in this case typing). I get my thoughts out and I am able to process.

Writing has always been a safe thing for me. I began journaling when I was in 6th grade I think, but I began really writing after I was raped when I was 13. Writing became a time with God. It was something that felt safe but also helped me not feel alone. Most of my journaling over those next 8 years or so (before I had kids haha) were in the form of prayers to Jesus. Spending that time with Him, unhindered, without insecurity and worry of what people thought, I felt most myself. 

So today as I struggle to figure out just what I want to focus on and what I want to speak about tomorrow I find my way back to writing. 

I have found in the past I don't do so well at writing out notes, doing bullet points or steps when I share my story. When I do steps/notes I find myself getting distracted by them by trying to stay in order and it tends to actually distract my focus enough to make it choppy. I tend to write out notes and points so that they are more organized in my head but don't follow them when I speak.  But, today I'm a little concerned about just winging it considering I've been struggling with depression for the last month. I find I'm not as focused, things feel "foggy" and I worry that I won't remember important things or won't keep my train of thought as well. Depression in general tends to make me feel insecure and less confident. I feel more disconnected to people during this time. That's not optimal for speaking in a group! 

So, I pray. I pray that God gives me just the words He wants me to speak. I pray that He gives me clarity and sharpness to speak clearly and keep my mind on track. Then I trust. I trust that He knows what He has planned for tomorrow and He knows what He wants to speak through me and I trust that He will equip me to carry that out. 

It's not just my story, It's HIS story. It's all His story.

His story of creating this beautiful girl. He created me with a heart that loved to care for the sick and hurting, He created me with a desire to encourage people and gave me this crazy love for babies. He created me with a heart to love Him.  

Sadly, I bought into the lies of the world and thought I wasn't worth much. I allowed the shame and dirty feelings of being raped to shape my thoughts about myself. I allowed childhood abuse and brokeneness in my family to tell me that I wasn't important, that I was a bother and that I was a problem. Satan stole from me. He robbed me of much of my childhood and he tried to get me to believe I wasn't worth anything.  It's a regular struggle for me. 

But being a child of God, he can't take that away. No matter what he did to me or has caused, no matter how many lies he plants he cannot take away the TRUTH. The truth that I am a beautiful child of God, that I was created for God's pleasure and good purposes, that I was bought with a price and that I was more than able to overcome and victor over ALL of the traps and lies that satan threw at me.  I play a crutial rule in all this though: I can choose to believe the lies of satan and allow them to cripple and paralyse me OR I can say NO and I choose Jesus. When I choose truth and proclaim it all of those things have no power over me. They just fall right off of me.  I find speaking scripture out loud when I can't seem to speak truth or fight lies helps me to come to the place of saying YES to Jesus and No to satan's lies. 

The more I seek the truth, the more I seek the face of Jesus, the more I can embrace His love for me and His freedom and grace the more the chains fall off and the more alive I become. 

There is so much CHOICE. I can choose to pity that girl that had a crummy thing happen to her, I can pity the woman who struggles with bipolar illness, I can pity the woman who fights just to stay alive or I can choose to embrace her and love her and live in the truth that God loves her and God has compassion for her. 

God knows us. He knows right where we are. 

It's my choose if I choose to believe the lies and believe that I am not capable to overcome my struggles and my brokeness or it is my choice if I choose to embrace Jesus, embrace that beautiful girl that He has made me to be. Embrace the true person that I am. Embrace myself in my brokeness and pain and see myself as I truly am: Broken and beautiful yet being made whole in Christ minute by minute day by day. 

We have a choice. We can look at our struggles and see all the defeat and give in to it or we can look at our struggles and see Jesus and ask Him to walk through it with us so we can live true, be ourselves, embrace all that He died to give us and believe that we can do all things through God who gives us strength. 

Satan has stolen much from me yet he couldn't take my life and he can't prevent God from giving back to me that he has taken. God restores the years the locust have eaten. God restores the brokenhearted and He binds up their wounds. 

So much hurt, so much rejection, so much pain. Yet so much love, so much hope, so much redemption, so much gain. 

God has shown me that some of my greatest struggles have become my greatest treasures because they bring me to His feet, they nail me to His cross, they allow me to be intimate with Him in a way I can't touch without all that pain. 

I would like to say that I have complete healing from my bipolar disorder, that I have complete healing from being raped, from having a broken abusive home life, from painful marriage struggles, but I can't say that. What I can say is that I have had much healing, deep deep healing in so many of these areas and I am not without hope that there is much more to come. I am speaking out of a place of currently struggling with depression yet I speak with Hope. Hope because I know that I know that I know that I am NEVER alone, that I will never be overcome by these things because I have a God who loves me, a God who is deeply aquainted with my pain, that chooses to join into my brokeness with me and a God who LOVES to be with me... even in my messy places, even when I don't have it all together and find myself often having temper tantrums and fits over where I'm at with depression right now. He just wants us, right where we are, brokeness included, sin and ugliness included. He sees the beautiful person He has created and the person we are to become. He isn't hindered in His love for us the way we are with ourselves and each other. His love has no bounds. Praise God! 

Some of the things that I feel have been most important in my healing journey thus far:

1-I had to ask God to show me where He was at when I was raped. I didn't want Him to see me in that place. I didn't want Him to see me naked and helpless. But I had to allow Him into that horrid place in order to allow His love and truth and healing to penetrate my heart and bring healing. God showed me that He was right there, He was a literal human shield between that man and I and nothing went through that man's hands to me that didn't first go through the body of Jesus. He showed me that His eyes were on me and that He saw my naked body but it was beautiful and pure and innocent. His tears flowed with my tears. We were one. He chose to go there with me, in my darkest hour He chose to share my pain and he bore my shame. It took 24 years for me to allow God to take me back to that night with Him and to allow God to take my shame and show me what He really saw. 

2-I am never alone. Knowing God chose to be so incredibly close and intimate with me during the hardest most horrid experience of my life helps me realize and know that He is always going to be there. It gives me Hope when I'm in the midst of depression to know that God wants to be with me. He wants to share in our struggles, share our pain, He longs for us to let Him go there into the depts with us. He will only go where we invite Him though, He won't force Himself anywhere He hasn't been invited.
3-Satan loves secrecy and works his hardest to keep our pain and hurt hidden in the dark.  If he can keep us silent he can keep us bound in shame and fear and he uses that silence and shame to cripple and eventually paralyse. If he can keep us silent he tricks us into believing that we will never get better, that we will never get over our past pain and hurt. If we speak out, if we bring that darkness into the light the light overcomes the darkness. Satan finds that incredibly threatening. Whatever is hidden in the dark stays bound up in the dark, but whatever we expose to the light, the truth, to God's love and healing, it is overcome by light and the darkness is expelled. We must use our voice to speak out for ourselves and to speak out for those who have no voice. Speaking the truth is powerful.
4-I am beautiful and God treasures me on my best of days, and my very worst of days. Right now I am in the midst of a depression. During low times I often feel I am not measuring up and feel as though I am constantly failing.  BUT the truth is, I am a beautiful child of God, and He is just as pleased with me today as he is on my very best days. Just because I feel I don't have much to give doesn't mean I am not worth much. He bases His worth on who He is and who He made me to be. He says that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. He says that I am His beloved, His bride, He says that I am worth dying for.  And more than that He wants me to believe who He says I am, even when I don't feel it, even when everything screaming in my ear says that I stink, He wants me to look at His Word, His truth and claim it.  He wants me to take the authority He's given me and fight it and send those lies back where they came from. I'm working on this. I often wrestle with lies and feel I don't measure up but God is helping me make progress and He's showing me that it's not about being perfect, it's about making progress with Him. Progress not perfection.
5-I have a choice. When lies come I can choose to fight them with God's word. When depression comes I can choose to fight it and not lay down and give in. When failures seem to pile up and I feel less than I have a choice. I can choose to see myself through God's eyes or I can give in and pity myself and allow satan to rob me of the freedom Jesus died to give. Realizing I can choose how I respond to what life throws at me has been a huge huge step towards healing and health for me. It's one I have to learn in deeper ways day by day but it has been a huge agent of change for me.
So much more I'm learning...... off to make some notes that I probably won't follow tomorrow. HA!

My Story. Warning this is about something bad. You may not want to read this, and if not please don't. This is also NOT appropriate for children.

This week, memories lay heavy on the heart, tears come easily, and I grieve. I grieve over what was lost, what was taken, and what never became.

Last week I met with my church counselor.. I meet with him every 2 weeks. I was telling him about a dream I had had the night before about a very close friend from Texas that I had a falling out with right before we moved back to KY almost 4 years ago. The first few months back here were busy and I had John-Marc shortly after moving so I hadn't called her for several months, and she hadn't called me. Over the next couple years I tried to reconnect and it didn't happen. I will think of her and then grieve for days and weeks at a time over the loss of her. I was telling my counselor about a dream I had the night before where my friend surprised me and came to visit and things were wonderful like they had been years ago. When I woke up I was deeply disappointed that it was just a dream. As I told him, that pain stirred up more emotion about several other important deep relationships in my life that for whatever reason we grew apart and/or the relationship was lost, and how deeply it still hurts.
I told my counselor in tears that somehow I have to come to peace with this stuff, and with the things in my past that others had done and things that I had done. His response: "you need to become familiar with a word spelled g-r-i-e-f.
And that unexpectedly brought yet even more things to my mind that I had lost or had been taken from me. Memories began to unravel..... memories that started on a dark night long ago where satan tore out a part of my heart and tramped it into a million pieces. That night started a slew of losses in my life. A lot of those losses revolved around that specific experience I had as a young teenager.

I feel compelled by Jesus to share my story, partly for my healing and honesty, but also to speak out for people so broken that they still haven't found their voice to speak out and are still bearing wounds deep in the heart, alone. I want others to know that no one is alone, and that there is hope for healing in Jesus. If God uses my story, my pain, to bring just one more person closer to Him, to finding His love, to knowing His comfort and healing, it will have been a gift to have opened up my heart and laid it wide open. Either way I share it for Jesus, and if He is pleased then all is good.
I think one of satan's tools is to use this hush hush we can't talk about such terrible things mentality to isolate us and keep us bound in darkness, tormented by fear, shame, and memories of the past. Satan doesn't want to chance people speaking about deep personal hurts because he knows that if we open up and start facing our hurts there is a chance the light of Jesus might pier into to the broken cracked places of our hearts, and we might one day just walk out of his dungeon of his lies and into God's freedom. (John 10:10... The thief (satan)comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I (God) have come that they may have life, and have it to the fullest).
What satan means for evil, God can use for good... and even amidst the hurt of remembering and grieving, He has, He has over and over. (Romans 28:8 And we know that in ALL things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.)
So here's my story...
I grew up in a christian home where we went to church every week unless we were puking; and my parents volunteered with youth group and other ministries. They had hearts for Jesus, but they also had issues with each other and fought a lot. I remember when I was around 9 years old or so a few times where I would write a note with something to the effect of "we love you, please don't fight"... and then I would force my brother to take it and slide it under their door. I remember a couple times where my mom would say to us the next day something like "we love each other, we were just fighting but we love each other." I accepted Jesus one night probably around 5-6, I can't quite remember, in our living room with my parents after my dad did family devotions. I remember crying and not wanting to go to hell and wanting to love Jesus. I also remember a night (before I was 10 because we were still in PA) praying and it was the first time that the Holy Spirit moved in me, while I was praying for people and family of a plane that had crashed. I remember where I was sitting in both instances. As a little girl I was sensitive to Jesus and loved life to the fullest. I was a happy little girl that loved make believe and playing outside with my little brother, and anyone and everyone around me. My heart knew Jesus loved me, and despite some hard things at home, I still had a sweet little heart that thought Jesus was just grand. I remember lots of wonderful times as a child and knew I was loved. When I was 10 we moved from our very comfortable spoiled life in PA to KY where we went from a beautiful house,to a tiny little farm house. I really didn't mind though and I thought the house was just fine (now my very upset about moving 13 yr old sister would beg to differ and thought it was far from pretty). I was excited for a new adventure and other than missing my grandparents so much I could hardly stand it, I loved it in our new house and town. We moved so my parents could go to a christian college there in town. Things were stressful and it really took a toll on my parents. Moving on a few years...

When I was thirteen I had a friend that I spent all my time with. If she wasn't at my house I was at hers. We did everything together. She had a terrible childhood and was very poor. I remember sleeping on the couch at her house one time and found a nest of baby mice in the foam under the mattress. Her living conditions freaked me out but we were so close I just wanted to be with her. You know, at that age friends are everything. :) My other favorite thing to do was go to youth group so before long she was tagging along. One day at youth group I got the beautiful privilege of leading her to Jesus. We continued to be close. During a month or so of the summer she went to stay with her dad in another state. While she was gone her mom asked me to babysit my friend's baby brother and her other brother that was about 5. That night it got late into the night and they still hadn't come home. I started getting afraid. I hated the dark and I didn't feel safe alone so late. Finally around 1-2am they came home. My friend's "step dad" (really her mom's boyfriend who also was the father of the 2 little boys), said he was taking me home and we left. My house was on the edge of town and I lived in a house at the top of a hill that leads out of town. As we drove closer to my house he began to drive faster and faster, and even with me frantically telling him he had passed my house and to please take me home he just kept driving. Driving around bend after bend, and finally parking in a little deserted area off the main road. He raped me, violently. After it was all over he drove me home. As he drove he threatened me that if I ever told anyone he would kill me. I was obviously afraid to tell my parents. That night I went into my parents room and told them I was home and went upstairs, hid my clothes in a back of a drawer and went to bed. My friend came home 2 weeks later and I told her what had happened. I remember not wanting to tell my mom or dad what had happened because I felt like I would cause all of our fun times to be over. It was summer and it seemed like things were a little better with my parents and I didn't want to stop the fun things, like boating and tubing and camping which we had been doing. I also wasn't sure what would happen if I told and so I figured it would be better to not tell. Throughout the rest of the summer I became more and more afraid that someone was going to find out and tell my parents.

On the first day of 8th grade, I met my English teacher. She was a warm caring woman that had told us all on the first day of school that if we ever had anything we needed to tell her or were in trouble etc. we could come to her. I loved that she loved Jesus too. One day she gave us an assignment to write a paper about 3 things we wished. I wrote first about wanting everyone to know Jesus, 2nd that there would be no more wars, and 3rd I wrote with handwriting that became almost illegible that I wished that the rape had never happened to me. I waited a week or more and kept asking if she had read our papers.. finally I couldn't take it and confided it all to her. She was precious with me. She cried, she held my hand, she listened, and she asked me questions. She convinced me that I had to tell my parents. She called my mom and dad from the school. My dad had a dentist appt. so he went to that and my mom came in to the school. My teacher told her and she and I went home and told my dad, and it went on from there and my parents pressed charges. Later that English paper became part of evidence in the trial. Once the man was arrested and taken to jail, my friend became very angry with me. She passed horrible rumors around my school lying and calling me names. A long with what had happened to me, I was hurting so much from loosing my best friend. The next year was a nightmare. By the time we actually came to the time of the court trial (there had been some delays with our lawyer who was working on a murder case) it had been 9 months since the event actually happened. I remember looking over to the man in the court room and I actually felt sad for him. He was so alone and lost. My English teacher that I had confided in was there for me as well as my family and a woman that was one of my church youth group counselors. My teacher also walked through many scary times with me that year. A few times a detective and police men came to the school and we met in a conference room. One of those times I had to tell the detective etc. all the details of what had happened to me and my teacher was right there by my side holding my hand. She really was a deep part of my healing and support during those times. 8 years after the experience she was a part of my wedding. She read a poem that I had written to Marc for me. Her relationship is one of the handful of special ones that God used and now I have lost connection with. I do grieve her friendship at times but I know that God used her deeply for the time that I needed.

During the several years that followed things with m parents continued to deteriorate. With family life mixed in with the trauma, things were confusing and hard. I spent many years asking God why, why had He allowed it, why was I so confused and numb, why why why. My youth pastor and youth group counselors were a life-line for me during my high school years. I had a few youth group counselors who really invested time their time and energy into me listening and caring for me. If I had not had my youth group and leaders, I don't know if I would have survived. I think God used them all to keep me going, to keep me from turning on God, and to tell me I was going to be ok. One of those youth group counselors was a woman who listened, loved and prayed with me over and over for years. She is still to this day a very precious person in my life, as well as one of the hugest influences on my healing. The other 2 people that also contributed the most time and love into my life were a married couple that kind of took me in as one of their own. The husband (now a youth pastor of 20+ years) was the first person I met when I walked into youth group the first night ever in 7th grade. The wife was like a young mama to me and the husband like a dad. They supported me and comforted me in ways I can't describe. They were always there, always praying and loving me and supporting me. She was the other woman that went to the court the day of the trial. I felt loved and cherished by he and they are still among my most treasured gifts. I thank Jesus that I am still able to be in relationship with them.

Starting in 10th grade I went to counseling. I didn't sleep well during those years so I would read my bible and journal to God late into the night. God was faithful to me and He was very close. I had this connection with Him because of my pain that went deep. Sometimes it felt like I could reach out and touch Him, other nights I would beg and cry for Jesus to please just come in person and hold me. One night as I was crying out to God at a little reservoir by my house (I went there often at night to pray and talk to God) God showed me a vision that helped me to forgive my offender completely. Youth group retreats were one of the places I did a lot of questioning and hurting. I began to expect that God would show up there and do something big for me during those trips and He did. By the end of high school God had done great healing. I would go one youth trips with our youth "leadership" team and share my story and God would really use it to touch others. There were a lot of supernatural things that God did to show me again and again that He was still there. In college God would tell me things about people and I was able to pray for them and help them. Going to a christian school with chapel gave me the chance to go down and pray for people at the alter occasionally. I enjoyed mentoring a couple younger youth group kids and had a strong desire to comfort people who were hurting.

In college I met my precious husband Marc. Through him God has done much deeper healing in my heart. He is an amazing man who takes his call to love me as Christ loved the church very seriously. He has stuck with me through the darkest most hopeless times, and (next to Jesus) he is the biggest blessing and example of the love of God for me.
After marrying Marc and I started having children right away. My one desire in life was to become a wife and a mother. Once I became pregnant with our first child, things became complicated. I was very sick with all my pregnancies (all 6) and I spent a few times in the hospital, or in the ER to get IV liquids, and with my first pregnancy, IV's at home because I threw up so much and got dehydrated easily. During that pregnancy I was so sick I really didn't talk much with my husband, I was too sick. I also didn't spend a lot of time reading my bible. I prayed less than I normally did. My first pregnancy was traumatic on my body. I was very sick with pre-eclampsia and my son was born 7 weeks early. Then 13 months later our second was born. After his birth I had Post-Partem Depression and things felt desperate and I had severe anger issues. During this year my parents of 28 years of marriage divorced. I didn't deal with it a whole lot at that point because I was already struggling with juggling 2 little ones under 2 yrs old. It did feel like a blow to my faith though because I faithfully prayed that God would keep them together and I really believed He would. I felt God didn't answer my prayers. It felt like with the loss of our family being intact, the loss of my dad became more real to me. I had prayed all my life that God would save my parents marriage and I really believed He would. I now know that it was something my parents chose and not God. God isn't a God that forces us into one thing or another so with that freedom comes the ability for failure. That was just one of those things.

Over the years the depression became worse. I would also have bouts of "super" good times where I would be active and energetic either physically or mentally. I would spend days hyper focused one something, it was like I became obsessed with something. One that was common was being on the computer all the time, sometimes (a lot) it was shopping, another was sewing for days and wanting to do nothing else. My mind would get so busy that I couldn't process something before the next thought came. I would talk fast and I would be so excited about things. A lot of the time though I was depressed. The depression let up a good bit for a couple years and I felt better mentally with the 3rd and 4th pregnancy than I had before. Over time though the depression came back. But by the time our fifth child came I was in severe depression and life was overwhelming. Two years later our last child came, which I call my bonus baby :)

By the time he was one I was sleeping often and slowly I was unintentionally detaching from my family, even sitting out on the couch with the family was sometimes overwhelming. Neither Marc nor I knew what was happening or what to do about it. We were basically just surviving and hanging on. I began having migraines off and on that were so bad that Marc would have to miss work to take care of the kids. One day I heard one of my kids run through the door and ask Daddy, is Mommy awake? That's how often I was sleeping, they expected me to be sleeping. My heart sunk. Every time I came out of the room or was up when they came home they were so happy; they would come running. My precious husband and kids, they were all I wanted, God had given me the desires of my heart, to have a husband and 5 children (which is why I call our 6th our bonus baby) and yet I couldn't enjoy them, and knew it and couldn't help it. I wasn't able to be the wife I wanted to be nor that Marc needed. It was breaking my heart.

Finally after prodding from several friends, Marc went with me to a Christian Psychiatrist that was highly recommended (and also highly expensive. ha!) Marc now says it's the best money he's ever spent. I was diagnosed with Type 2 rapid-cycling Bipolar Disorder. We walked out of that Doctor's office that day with hope, hope that we hadn't had in years, that maybe, just maybe I might one day be ok. We couldn't trace back to the beginning of the symptoms, but we did start seeing them more and more as we looked back. Things made a little more sense. The Dr. said bipolar can often be triggered by traumatic experiences, as well as genetics etc. So maybe the experience I had as a teen contributed, maybe not. It's also possible that the traumatic pregnancy and birth of our first may have partially triggered it too. For those who don't know, Bipolar simply means that at times I experience times of being overly excited, at times I may feel deeply depressed, and sometimes I feel balanced and good. The rapid-cycling means that there are times when I may cycle through the hyper moods to the deep low moods back and forth very quickly. Sometimes within one day. The type 2 means that I have deeper lows and my highs aren't very pronounced. When I'm in a depressive episode I can't logically see things. God feels really far, things look differently than they really are. I'm learning though with God's great grace and love to accept during those times that even though things feel horrible and unbearable, that doesn't mean things are. I'm learning a lot about this "choosing to believe God's truth" during hard times. It took months to get the right combination of medications to help me function and feel good again. And there are still plenty of ups and down , but when the right meds. came together it felt like the light came on. Next month marks 2 years since I've been diagnosed. I've had some really good long stretchy of feeling really good and healthy, and I've had some times that were really hard; but overall I am amazed at how much better I am. Becoming healthy with medication has allowed me to to begin to work through things and begin to heal. The progress that I have made (and my family) in the last 2 years is absolutely incredible. God is so good. God has used so many things and people as channels of healing, my counselor, close friends, my renewal support group, and most of all prayer and His Word. (the bible). God has and is and will continue to heal all the broken places of my heart and life. It's hard to look back and realize what my family and I have missed out on, but God is helping me to work through and let go of that stuff in His timing. One of my favorite verses years ago as a teen, and over the years to now is (Joel 2:25, God will restore the years the locust have eaten).

The night when that man took my innocence and a chunk of my heart with it, God was there. He hurt with me, he cried with me, he felt all that I felt. He knew me inside and out. He had formed me and had given my little heart it's first beats, and as I was being torn and trampled He scooped up every little piece of my heart, He's held my mangled heart so gently and over time He has been mending and repairing, piecing back together those shards of broken. The biggest pieces, He grew those back together over the next few years that followed.
It's the tiny sharp pieces. the ones that have been hard to identify, those He's taking His time on. Painstakingly (for He and I both) He gently sands down the jagged edges,re-shaping as He sees fit and placing them gently over the weak places to make me stronger. Sometimes that requires God bringing certain things up so He can heal me more deeply. This past year has been a year of walking back through so that I can walk through and beyond, and He is moving me forward.
God has told me that as He heals my heart, He's making it even more beautiful than it was before it was broken.

Healing like this takes time and meticulous detail, Often requiring stretching and tweaking. It's a painful process, but if we resist the pain we resist the healing, and in return we resist the Healer. It's like we are telling God that He's not or He can't do it right, that we could have done better.
God knows what our shame and despair is, He knows what it feels like to be beaten, to be shamed and violated. On a dark night, He hung on a cross, alone and abandoned, stripped naked and ashamed, He truly knows what being abused, violated, abandoned feels like, and He endured it even unto death (Hebrews 12:2... Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame...) (Romans 8:8 God showed his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners.). (john 3:16-17...For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him.)
God went to the cross and gave Himself up for us, so that we might have life, and in hopes that we will have a love relationship with Him. His one desire is to have a relationship with us, to be our friend and companion, one that shares in our joys, rejoices in our victories, to jump in mud puddles together and tell us stories when we need to laugh. He wants to be there for us in the hard times too. He'll go into the valley with us, walk along side us in the rain. He'll carry our burdens and share in our pain. He's there to hold onto us when it's dark and He'll lead us home if we've lost our way.

If we ask Him to come into our hearts, to forgive us and to help us, He goes into relationship with us with reckless abandon, with no resistance, reserve or walls of protection. He doesn't have expectations that we may or may not be able to meet, He doesn't ask for anything back, He comes as He is, and He doesn't mess with facades or masks, He doesn't worry about looking good or sounding right, He is real and He doesn't keep anything hidden. All He really wants is to love us and be loved by us. Isn't that what we really want in a relationship... to feel free to be who we are and not have to cover up our messy places? To not have to worry about being accepted or looking like we have it all together? With Jesus we are safe and accepted exactly as we are. No matter how deep the pain goes, and how much satan rips into our hearts, Jesus's love is stronger and we can have hope that He is with us and He will heal us. In Him, in His love, lies our hope, our being set free and our promised victory.

God is showing me some of the ways that the sexual violation has taken from me. He's showing me some of the losses that have been born out of that scary painful night. I'm realizing that I lost a lot because of that man. I lost my best friend. I lost part of my childhood. I lost the ability to learn who I was as a teenager without this ugly hurtful experience sucking all the understanding out of me. I didn't feel like a carefree girly girl anymore, it was replaced by feeling of being dirty, ugly and ashamed. Satan took some of my christian guy friendships away. I just couldn't trust or relate to guys anymore. I spent my highschool years trying to understand how God could allow this and trying to deal with the deep pain that I was going through. I had all this junk from satan in my mind and heart and I couldn't figure out who I really was. And from there as the years went on the list just grew. Marriage, having babies, depression, so many things that haven't worked out the way we had hoped.

Right now, I am hurting, and I'm remembering, but it's ok. I'm not alone and I have hope. So if healing means grieving for a time in order to move forward, I'll go there with Jesus. God knows who I am and He has love and healing that He's dying to pour out on me. I know my Savior and I know I'm safe with Him. I trust and know that I can do this with Him. (phil 4:13...I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength). Jesus won't leave me hanging, and He will carry out His work of healing and wholeness in me until the day I die and am reunited with Him and become completely and fully healed and whole.

There will be a day, a wonderful day when it's finished, when the scars have long fade away and are no longer. The memories gone, the affects broken, no more sorrow. This day, when we meet Jesus in all His glory, on this day we'll all get new hearts, and we will be given a new life, a whole and perfect life. That's when all the hurting, all the waiting, all the growing, all the living will have been so worth it. But until then I hold onto His promises in the bible, because The Promiser keeps His promises. He made a commitment to us to us in His Word to never leave us alone (Hebrews 13:5....I will never leave you nor forsake you, And Matthew 28:20... I am with you always, to the very end of the age.)

Other verses that have meant a lot to me over the years…
(For I know the plans I have for you says the Lord. Plans of good and not of evil, plans to give you a future and hope. Jeremiah 29:11)
(The Lord your God is with you, He, the Mighty One will save. He takes great delight in us and quiets us with His love. He rejoices over us with singing. Zephaniah 3:17)
(For I am the Lord your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear, I will help you. Isaiah 31:13)
(Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One, your Savior. Since you are precious and honored in my sight and because I love you.....Do not be afraid, for I am with you..Isaiah 43:1-5)
(I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness. I will build you up again and you will be rebuilt. Jeremiah 31:3)
(Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than we could ask for or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be the glory in the church and in Jesus Christ throughout the nations. Galatians 3:20)
I love the psalms because I can relate so much with David. (psalms 23,24,27,31,40,91,121,138,139)

I want to say to those who have maybe read this and have hurts and pain that is hidden in secret, You are not alone. God loves you and He wants to help you. And even though I don't know you, I love you with God's love and I'm here if I can help. Please tell someone if you have things in your past or present that you are bearing alone. A trusted friend, a counselor, a spouse, a pastor etc... It's ok to hurt and need help. I'm here too if anyone needs or wants to tell me anything. You can reply, message or email me... (the8dunlaps@gmail.com)

And obviously, if you know anyone you would like to share this with please do! ;)

Continueing on counting 1000 love gifts from Jesus that I am thankful for. #417-457

A husband that is committed to finding out my emotional love needs and loving me in those ways.

Redemption from past regrets, hurts and sin.

God's faithfulness

Growth and healing

God doesn't waste anything in our life.

God will never leave nor forsake me.

Children that light up my soul and also stretch me in ways I didn't know were possible.

Family and friends who are willing to go to the "basement" with me.

Grace, grace, and more grace offered to me every minute of every day, forever.

Struggles that make me stronger.

Suffering that brings me to the foot of the cross.

The gift of prayer and intercession for others.

Being a part of a recovery group, renewal.

A gracious husband who is patient with me.

A warm house and a little fake "fire place" that hubby got me for christmas.

Time in the evening alone with just Marc and I.

Kids who sleep through the night.

The power of confession and repentance.

The Word of God.

The armor of Christ.

The fruit of the Spirit

Laughter from children as they slide down the steps in slippery sleeping bags.

Girls that make believe.

First ballet classes for the 3 girls.

A musically gifted husband.

Being able to start over every morning.

Today, the present moment.

Food in abundance.

Courage to speak out.

Marriage class that has put us both in tears the first week. ;)

God ordained time.

Holy Spirit's leading and whispering of God's heart.

Healthy active wild little 3 yr. old boy.

Church family and a preacher who speaks straight from the heart of God and the Holy Spirit.

Everlasting love of God.

Snow days.

Seeing my husband walk up the side walk after a long hard day's work.

Worship.

A generous God that enjoys blessing His children.

The fact that I could go on for days and still have so much to be thankful for.

Asking hard questions

Writing for me is expressing my heart in ways my mind can't form. To speak the words that my voice can't form. Either because it hurts too much, or because I don't understand what I feel until I write it out, or I can see Jesus more clearly when I write, or for other reasons unknown.

It's also a place that I find I can be in the now, present with right now. Being in the now is my word and goal this year. This is important for me.
I'm not so good at staying present in my mind with what's going on in the moment, which means I loose the precious gift of the present.

My mind was jumbled this week, my emotions all over the place, and I couldn't find peace. So I wrote. I wrote out what was all over the place in my mind. I sort out the chaos and in speaking through writing God often uses it to bring peace.

As a teenager and young adult (college age) I use to write poems a lot. Ugly dark ones, beautiful bright ones, and all kinds of in between. It was a gift to me, a way to get out all the thoughts and feelings that were swimming on the inside. I also journaled like crazy. More than not it was a way for me to talk to Jesus about life's struggles. I could express my hurts, my questions, my joys, things God was teaching me, gifts He had given, and other times it was a way for me to shout out anger and hurt that was boiling on the inside when life wasn't fair.

Looking back this week at some of my journals, especially my poem journal I can see growth and processes God had me in that I wouldn't have realized if I hadn't written out what was on the inside.

So last week when my mind was spinning with thoughts and my heart with feelings.. I wrote.
It felt good to express in poem form.
And after doing so I felt a lot lighter, and it seemed to clear up some of the confusion I've had on my mind lately.

I've been thinking a lot about having to struggle through with a mental illness. This is sure not anything I would have expected or anything I would have chosen had I had a choice, and I haven't come to terms with how or why God has allowed this to be.
But one thing I'm learning lately is that it's ok to question. I've felt guilty for wondering why. I mean, it's not just something I can "overcome" and it definitly doesn't leave much room for consistency, 2 things that are important to me. It feels like even my ability to be used by God is inhibited by this illness. Seems unfair when my heart's desire is to love and serve Him with my whole heart, MIND, soul.

So yes I am questioning, and yes I still feel a little guilty about that but I'm learning a lot in the process. My sister reminded me this week that even Jesus questioned God on the cross. And she put it into perspective for me as a parent as well. If one of my kids feels something is unfair or they don't understand why, I would want them to come to me and question and talk with me about it. I would want to experience and walk through them with whatever it was.

Being real with Jesus and allowing Him in on my grief (the current emotion I'm feeling about it all) isn't easy but it's been surprisingly healing.
Someone that I know from a blog online (Ann Voskamp's blog) reminded me of something today when he replied to my blog entry from the other day. He said
"Don’t forget in the dark what God has shown you in the light."
I'm going to remember and read that often because when I am having a bipolar episode everything that was true in the light feels misplaced when I'm in the dark. That is a beautiful thought to remember.

Another thing that God used this week to show me His presence was 2 sweet sentences a very special person in my life replied on my facebook page. I had posted that I was "overwhelmed". This is the most common feeling I have when I get depressed. Hal replied with "He is sufficient and He is crazy about you." That I needed to hear. In all the struggling to do better, to get out beyond my weaknesses I had forgotten that "God is crazy about me." It made me stop and breathe and it put what's important and true into perspective for me.

So even in the questions, God is showing Himself faithful and confirming in various ways that He is ok with my questions, and that He is VERY active in my journey. He is the one after all that is bringing me closer to wholeness in all aspects of my life.

In a sense it feels good to allow myself to "feel" things out... it's not something I do well. I am much better at stuffing things down in and not facing what is really on the inside, or when I do I am not able to express those thoughts and feelings on the outside (other than through writing). I do feel Jesus present and for that I am grateful.

I'm so thankful that it doesn't matter how well I am doing, He is still loving me just as strong as ever.

To everyone out there struggling with bipolar or depression.... you're not alone.

Much support and prayers to everyone struggling through with me.
I have bipolar type 2 rapid-cycling. I was diagnosed in Feb. 2010. It's been life changing for me to be diagnosed and get the meds and help I need. I've been struggling with depression for 11 years now and it's just become harder and harder to cope. Being diagnosed was both hard and also hopeful because I realized there really was something going on and something to be treated... which said to me that I might someday feel ok. I've went back and forth on grief to anger to feeling alienated and alone to feeling like a weak christian/person, and back through it all again. I'm learning to not feel sorry for myself, but also give myself some grace to just be and not feel bad about it.
Most days I am trying to accept myself and struggle through and become ok in my own skin.

The medicine I take is not a fix all but it does play a huge part in my healing and my health. It's been a tool that Jesus is using to help me become more healthy. I hate having so many pills to take because sometimes it reminds me that I have an illness. I also don't like the idea of having to take at least some form of medicine for the rest of my life unless God chooses to completely heal me here on earth. I'll get that healing though one way or another, here or in heaven. Praise God. I find it hard to look at this as an actual illness, a mental illness but it has helped to know what is going on and to come to grips with needing help. I grieve the past, the years I wasn't and couldn't be what I wanted to be for my husband, my kids and all the things I missed in ministering to others too. I know my kids needed more and they do have struggles they face and will face because of that. Marc too. I know God's grace and love is healing balm though, I know that He takes care of my kids in a way that I can't and He fills in for my inadequacies, and He restores the years the locust have eaten. I am grateful to Him forever. I'm also grateful for the love and faithfulness and perseverance Marc has shown me. He has loved me as Christ loved the Church. He takes that charge very seriously. I couldn't have better.

For those wondering, the medicines I take:

am:
lamictal 200mg (mood stabilizer for lows/depression)
prozac 20mg (anti-depressant especially for anxiety)
wellbutrin 450mg (anti-depressant and this also helps my ADHD)
Cytomel (T3) (to enhance the anti-depressants effectiveness)
vit. B-Complex high potency (to help with the monthly hormonal issues)

pm:
trileptal 1.5 tablets 900mg (mood stabilizer for highs (helps with my racing thoughts and to help me rest/relax)
ambien 10mg (helps me sleep which is super important)
nadol 40mg (for migraines)

As needed:
half trileptal for anxiety when needed

Yeah I know it's a heck of a lot of meds and I hate that part. I also get tired of taking them. But I feel like it's a good combo for me. Finally finding the proper medications was like a light coming on. I could see and feel things so differently. In the past for years trying different anti-depressants alone hasn't been effective because I needed the mood-stabilizers too for treating the bipolar. Finding the right dosages and my Dr. upping and adding meds took months. It was frustrating. I'm thankful to Jesus for my meds though, they help me feel like I can look at and deal with things and allow Jesus to work in me and through me. I now feel like I can deal with some things that need dealt with and am able to process and allow change and growth more than I could.

For those of you out there that are googling bipolar and trying to find some common ground somewhere, and feeling alone. You are not. There are some of us struggling along in the same journey, feeling the same fears and pains, all in very different ways and lives, but we are in this together.
I want to encourage you that it WILL take time and med changes to get to the right combo and doses you need. It's very different for everyone. I felt really bad the first month and I wanted to go off all my meds several times but DH wouldn't let me. I had severe headaches, nightmares, insomnia, vertigo and dizzy issues, nausea. After about a month I started to feel better and at 4 months later I really felt good. I do struggle with nausea every morning for a few hours but I try to overlook that.

I still rapid-cycle some around my period. (Go high before and low after) but it's manageable and ok because I know it's only going to last a few days. Dh helps encourage me too. I also still feel down and depressed and overwhelmed at times but the difference is that those low times that only happen occasionally are better than my best times in the past. It's sad to think back. It was so much worse than I or Marc realized.

I really feel like it's important to find a specialized doctor and not just a primary care physician. I was treated between my midwife and PCP for years and I love them both and my PCP was on the right track.. but it all came together when I went to a psychiatrist. I had friends tell me I had to go... and they helped to find me a TRUSTED and well reputable Dr. which I believe really helped me to accept my diagnosis as real.

The one thing that has been steady through all, and the only thing is my sweet precious Jesus. He knows me inside and out, the best and the worst and He never wavers. His love is never ending. I love Him so much.

Can't get back to sleep

I went to bed at 10:30pm, woke at 1am and here I am still awake at 2:45am. I finally got up to get something to eat (a banana) as I didn't eat enough yesterday and was really hungry. I took a 1/2 an ambien too. Something about hormones make it twice as hard to sleep during that time of the month. My mind is a bit over driven, I'm dreaming about the wellbutrin and what is causing the high blood pressure and trying to solve it all IN MY DREAMS. So when I wake I feel like I haven't slept. I took my blood pressure 1 hour after taking my ambien sleeping med and my corgard med (which is a med to treat high blood pressure and it also works to prevent migraines which is why I'm on it) and it was 121/86 which is just a little high. Then in the middle of the night I just took it and it was 113/80, so totally normal. This makes me second guess having jumped the gun and called the Dr. so quickly.... I don't want to have to switch meds or lower doses unless we REALLY have to. I suspect when I take it tomorrow after taking my wellbutrin and during the day when I'm up and around it will be higher. I also think it was high today too because of the headache and dizziness etc... but it's hard to know if that is a result of high blood pressure or if the headache was causing the high blood pressure. AHHHH. Either way I think it's one of my meds causing either high blood pressure or the headache/vertigo issues. Wish this was easier to figure out. I guess tomorrow I'll take the 150mg that he wanted me to go down to, and go from there. I have to trust my Dr's.
Marc said "Honey we knew there would be some trial and error with getting medicines right and you need to be able to accept that and trust your Dr. in the process." So true honey, so true.
And I'm going to share this, with imbarressment, because it shows how controlling and unhealthy I am right now (which I DO NOT like)... Marc was still up at 10:30pm and I had come out and asked a couple times if he had an idea of when he was coming to bed etc. which he didn't. Anyway, I was laying down (clearly not alone with 4 little people sleeping all around me) but I felt alone. I felt scared and sad and I really wanted Marc to just come cuddle with me and snuggle for even just a few minutes. He came in and sat there, and listened but I really just wanted him close to me. He was going to go back out and watch tv but he could tell I didn't want him to leave so he went and shut off all the lights and came to bed. I told him I'd be fine, to go watch his game, but he wouldn't. Anway, he came to bed and in 2 seconds he was out like a light, bless his heart he's so tired from getting up at 3:30am for work. I worry about him staying up late at night because of that.
So there ya go, my selfish self coming out! Sorry. ;o( Honey if you read this know that I love you and you are the best. Thanks for putting up with me so patiently and tenderly.

I have a bit of hope praise God!

For quite some time I've been loosing my hope. It seems like it's been getting dimmer and dimmer and I had gotten to the place where I thought maybe I wouldn't get better, and that no one could help me.
With the prompting of some precious friends I went to see a christian psychiatrist yesterday. I've spent the last 8 years seeing various OBGY, nurse practitioners, and my family doctor for various kinds of depression. With most of my babies I had PPD (post partem depression) and then after Sarah in 2004 I started having a lot of PMS problems around my monthly cycles. In 2008 I was diagnosed with PMDD (pre menstrual disphoric disorder) which is basically a fancy term for REALLY BAD PMS! For me it lasted up to 2 weeks, and as the years have went on (and babies came) I've had more breakthrough depression. In the last 6 months I've just felt worse and worse. Sometimes feeling like it was all I could do to get out of bed. I just have felt so tired.
Yesterday 2/2/10 I was diagnosed with Rapid-Cycling Bipolar (Type 2) as well as ADHD.
The bipolar came as a shock to Marc and I both in most ways.. yet there have been times where he and I both have wondered about bipolar. I am grateful that Marc was with me yesterday, to be able to let Jesus put pieces of our puzzle together. We both were truly amazed at how much the questions the Dr. asked me were so right on and described my struggles so accurately. I had no idea that he would later explain that I had bipolar, yet now as I process it all makes so much sense.
For me I always thought of bipolar as really high euphoric highs, and lots of crazy actions, and then low and then ok and then cycling through again. Honestly I didn't know much more; I haven't personally known anyone who is bipolar.
My type of Bipolar has what are called hypomania where my high/manic episodes are milder and for me they aren't euphoric happy highs, they are more obsessive addictive highs. In the past that has come through in lots of various stupid "obsessions" that at the time were all I could think about, all consuming.
In attemp to disperse the shame and embarrasment these highs haven't been anything I've shared with people, they are times that only Marc and I knew. I just couldn't share with my awesome doing well christian put together friends (and family) about the crazy obsession I had at the time that kept me up late at night, and conflicted with everything I care about. It has made these ups and downs feel very alone for me. I know that we all have our struggles, but I just couldn't see anyone else around me being and doing as terrible as I was! (I know this is a lie by the way).
I knew at the time that what I was obsessing about and so hooked on were not important but I could not help myself. One episode of high came through me buying insane amounts of fabric ($1000 plus) for making cloth diapers which at the time was my home internet business, many Other times it often came as hours and hours of being on the computer reading and writing on my mom board and cloth diaper board, or natural living board. I would block out everything around me and it was a way for me to escape the chaos of my life around me. These things gave me a high, and a feeling of "pleasure" that obviously weren't from God, and I knew that but I couldn't help it. The Dr. explained that often bipolar type 2 manic episodes come in the form of buying or spending money, in hyper focusing on something, or talking and thinking about things at a fast pace, which Marc and I could both relate to. Marc actually laughed outloud when the Dr. asked if I sometimes talk at a fast pace and for long periods. Marc has in these times often asked me... "Honey could you just put a period after that, could you just finish a thought, please just a period, you're stressing me out". He always said that playfully but he meant it. I could go on and on with how these manic times play out for me. For me those times aren't euphoric happy highs, they are obsessive highs. Oh, another example is when I spent months totally obsessing about eating healthy, about switching our family to organic or natural foods, and I spent many hours at the store reading labels and online researching.
And when I am in my lows, it was really low. I feel completely consumed with a feeling of being overwhelmed. EVERYTHING in my life feels like too much during these times and they often last for months at a time. My sweet children were overwhelming, my house, my dishes, the laundry, maintaining friendships, ministering Jesus's love, everything was just too much. During these times it's felt like my life goes on hold. Everything stands still until I get my feeting again, and often these times last several months.
Then like a switch I'd be ok... ups and downs come and go so quickly for me which is so frustrating and I feel so out of control.
I also have what my Dr. described as "Rapid Cycling" bipolar. That means I have more than 4 High/low episodes in a year. For me I cycle through often and feel completely out of control. I can feel the chaos coming on, but I can't do or say or convince myself of anything to pull my self up and out.
Spiritually it's been a very discoraging alone place as I have not understood why I can't see God's love and truth and just stay in that place. I've felt like such a failure especially for God. The dreams and compassion I've had and the deep love and concern for people who are hurting just disappears for me.. and no "Knowing in my head what's right" helps me. I am sad to say that many times, for many years I have ran away from my sweet Jesus instead of to Him.
My immediate response to anything hard is to pull away, to pull inside myself and shut off. My Jesus and My husband and children have felt the pain of this many times.
I can't even begin to describe the amazing strength, love, and beauty that is in Marc. He has been my rock, he has been Jesus with skin on for me, and often at the expense of his own desires, needs, and dreams. His heart and calling for ministry has been a struggle over the years as at times I have required much more of him than he could or should ever have to give.
Jesus is truly showing me that HE alone is my source, my sustinance, and my Husband can't save me.. as much as I want him to or he wishes he could. It's not God's design. He's a jealous God that wants to be my first love, and He wants all of me. I'm slowly (with slow steps forward and several steps back at times) learning to trust and go to my Saviour for my needs. Apart from Him I really am nothing.
It's such a process of learning to die to myself, my desires, my selfishness, my fears, my lies... to live, to be Jesus's and to find true life in Him.
I don't want to just survive my life, I want to live and love and have His joy for myself, for my husband, and for my children, and for those around me that so need me to show them how much Jesus loves them.
I have struggled the last day thinking about what a stigma, especially among christians that there is towards depression. I have so often heard (through some of my close friends) that these battles are only spiritual, and that pysically there is no sickness.. just a lack of faith and trust in God. I am surrendering to Jesus's healing in me through the hand of my Dr's, the form of pills, in ways that I too have in the past struggled with wheither those things were ok or not. I still struggle at times. I wish I were able to pray it away, or feel so blessed to not be depressed, or trust Him enough to just "think positive" and overcome my situation. I'm learning to let Jesus in, to be real and to be quiet and ok to just be in His arms, with all my struggles and sins, and to let His blood cover me.
His word says He gives us all we need, that He is our portion, that His strength is perfected in our weakness, that I can do all things through Him, that apart from Him I am nothing, but with God ALL things are possible.
I'm only beginning to see that He truly does love me, as me, and He's ok with the process of loving me through my human weaknesses. He is willing to wait and let me come to Him, He is so tender and gentle, yet His love is so strong and never swayed.
I am laying down my pride, with Jesus's help. I am not this put together everything is easy and happy person that I wish my life was, but I am Jesus's and He is enough for me, and He is making me more like Him and rewriting my story.
As I've begun to process and think about how this diagnosis will play out in my relationship with those I love, I have to admit I've allowed fear to creep in, but it's just that, it has no power over me and I am asking Jesus to help me only listen to HIS voice in my life. My expectation is to Him, and what others think really doesn't matter as much as I think it does. My fears that my family will see me as a broken Mama and a broken wife, and an unpredictable, irresponsible, scatterbrained, LAZY person are just that, fears, not from Jesus, and not what matters, and according to my husband they aren't accurate either.
So I'm not going to allow this to "label" me as forever broken, but to allow it to be the hope that I WILL get better, and that Jesus is working on me.. and that this process is a process worth working through. Gulp.
I know some as christians do not like labeling and feel it puts a spiritual weakness or target on us to believe we aren't ok... but for me this is hope. Hope that there is something going on in my mind and my body that needs the healing power of Jesus, the love of my brothers and sisters in Christ, and that there's not just "something wrong with me that won't get better, and that is just because I'm a sucky person".
I walked out of that Dr's office yesterday feeling hope for the first time in a very long time, and for once I felt understood. I praise God and thank Him that he brought me to a Dr. that loves Him and does what he does for God's glory. I thank Jesus that he knows his work, and that he knew what to ask me, what direction to go, and ultimately he is a hand extended from Jesus, to help me.
I'm hopeful that the new combination of medicines will be what my body needs, and I'm praying that the transition will be smooth.
I'm also wanting to let Jesus do his healing work on the inside of my heart too.
There are lots of wrong patterns and things that I've done and not done because of the bipolar, and I am hopeful and believe that God will continue that work that He began until the day He comes.
Please pray that I will continue to run to Jesus, that I will let Him love me, and that I will trust Him with what I can't see ahead.
Please pray for Marc and I as Jesus helps us heal and deal with things that we've experienced in our marriage and that we would learn new ways to be and love each other, the ways that God intends.
Please pray for my precious children. My heart hurts when I think about all they have been through because of where I've been at.
Please pray that God will restore the years the locust have eaten.
He has been so faithfully helping me over the last year to really be there for my children, and I'm learning to not pull back from them. There's so much that I need Jesus to teach me, so many patterns that need His light and truth, so I can be the Mommy he has made me to be.
And to my friends and family, I'm sorry for the many many times when I haven't been what you've needed or wanted. I have many many times wanted and tried to be and do differently than I am, and haven't been able to. Thank you for sticking with me and for praying for me and believing that God can and is working inside of me.
I love you all!