I choose Jesus

Sitting here watching the rain come down thinking about how I feel like it's raining in my heart.
Carrying my wonder boom with and Spotify music around so that I can have constant worship songs when I don't feel that truth and the lies are shouting in my ears. You are worthless to your family, you are useless to your husband, you are hopeless.  Those are lies, all lies.. I have to keep reminding myself. He is for me, not against me. No weapon formed against me shall prevail.  This battle is spiritual.  Darkness and Light, truth and lies, hope and hopelessness. The enemy prowls like a lion seeking whom he may devour.
It's incredible how quickly the dark of night can come.
3/4 of the thoughts I have when I'm struggling with a bipolar low are lies.
I know it's also a physiological thing and my mind is weak. I can't keep track of what I have and haven't done, I can't focus.  I can't remember right after I take a pill if I took my medicine or not. . I can't find the words for things I know.  It's frustrating.
Noise annoys me. Things I do feel hollow and boring.  I feel irritable and overwhelmed. I don't enjoy the things I normally love. I could do without interacting with my friends. I could stay inside and not go anywhere and be ok with that. On the other hand I can't stand the feeling of being alone, the isolation,  not having encouragement and truth from my friends. I feel this desire to push people away and turn in and yet this desperate need to be validated and  reminded of truth and love. One minute I want to be vulnerable and the next I am terrified of being alone. Tears feel constantly on the verge of breaking through yet when I'm with others I feel paralyzed to feel. I feel much safer doing that with Jesus, in the quiet, in texts or messages with friends.
I need to hear from my friends, I need to know what they see. I need God to remind me of who I am and what He sees in me.
It is a battle. It's miserable and I can hardly stand to be in my own skin. One minute I feel completely fine and the next it all feels hopeless.
I can't stay in my head, I can't allow feelings and fears to dictate my actions. I can't give in and quit. I also must give attention to how I am doing so that I can fight and I can take care of myself and not get stuck or fall into the pit. I can choose life. I can choose to press on and to let Jesus in on all of it.
How? How do I stay in the truth when I don't feel or see the truth? How do I stay faithful to who I KNOW I am and to to the One who knows me best? I put one foot in front of the other, I set my alarm and get out of bed. I do, I go, I take it minute by minute. Walk by faith and not by sight becomes a very intentional choice.
 I emerge myself in worship, I listen, I let it wash over me and I allow the rain of Jesus's love to mix with the rain of depression in my heart. I try not to hide myself from Him and I let Him in.
I battle with myself and can't allow anger or frustration about how I'm doing to make things worse. I am aware I need to be gentle and compassionate with myself. That one I do not do well. I must speak the lies out so I can hear how ridiculous they are. I have to speak the Word as if my life depends on it because my life DOES depends on it.
This won't last. It will at some point just be a memory and I am certain I will be left with the reality of God's faithfulness and I will gain a nugget of Jesus that I didn't have before. I know that this darkness draws me to the One I need and the One who heals. For that I am grateful. I know He doesn't waste anything and He uses it all. I know that in my soul even though my mind is waring against that.
God came to save the broken and the lost. He gave His most beloved Son, one for all, all for one. I know He is bigger than my brokenness, bigger than my bipolar, His love wins. I'll cling to the promises He gives.
I will be ok. I will feel well again. I am not what I feel. I am still a good mom, a good wife, a loved Child of God regardless of whether I feel it or not. I'm not disappointing to Jesus when I question Him and lament over this illness that feels so unfair and cruel. I try to catch glimpses of hope and bursts of energy. I choose to keep going. I get up and eat, I go out with friends even though I don't want to. I talk to Jesus even when I can't feel him. I listen and I allow worship music to pierce through the dark. I desire wholeness. I want healing. I want to be and feel better. I want to see the truth. I know that one minute I will feel ok and the next I may not.  I don't know if the night will get darker or how long it will be before I can see and feel the sun of day.  I can't not try though. I want to be there for my kids, to bless my husband, to respond and obey Jesus even when it doesn't feel good or I don't see the benefit.
I need others to keep reminding me of who I am, of what they really see in me vs. all I can see now. I choose faith over fear. I can do this. I will do this. I will be better and stronger and closer to Jesus through this.
No satan you can't keep me here.  God's love is stronger, His grace is sufficient for even this. His  love is perfected in my weakness. I'd rather face this with Jesus than the best of days without Him. He will bring good and He will be glorified. He hasn't left me alone and He isn't disappointed in me. Joy will come in the morning. He will turn my mourning into dancing. He will bring beauty for ashes.
He has redeemed me. I have seen Him restore the years the locust have eaten. He has redeemed many dark years with my family. He restores my soul and He renews my strength. He will hide me in the cleft of the rock. He is my rock and my salvation whom and what shall I fear. When darkness overwhelms me it will not overcome me. He gave His only son for me, so I can know how deep and how wide His love is for ME. He gives life abundantly and He gives exceedingly abundantly more than I can imagine. He gives strength when I'm weary and lifts me up when I fall. He takes me by His right hand and says Do not fear I will help you. He will show me His goodness in the land of the living. He gives me His power and I will not be overcome. He gives me everything I need for life and godliness in Him. He will never leave or forsake me. I am the apple of His eye. He quiets me with His love and He dances over me with singing.
Some of those things are really hard to type and to receive as truth but I know Him to be all that He says He is and I choose victory. Even if He never heals me on earth I look forward with longing on when He will wipe away every tear, and He and I will embrace face to face and all this will fall away and I will be free.
He chose me, I choose Him.
"My sacrifice, O God, is a broken spirit: a broken and contrite heart you, God will not despise".
Ps. 51:16-17