I was manic for a couple days, couldn't sleep the night before last at all, then tried to sleep all day practically and couldn't at all. So yesterday afternoon I gave up and got up! Got a shower, played with the kids, ate dinner, and at 7:30pm I was STILL wired. I went to bed at 8pm after Marc encouraged me to go to bed several times. I slept so well, slept all night and then this morning I was totally wiped out. I got up for a few hrs. and then Marc came home early and I slept for another 4 1/2 hrs. UGH. It felt wonderful to finally sleep but it's frustrating to be so up and down and have no control over it.
I talked to Dr. Bunge today, I am now sure that the lamictal is causing all the horrible vertigo/headache issues. Yesterday all afternoon/evening I was so sick and dizzy. I played Phase 10 Dice with the 3 oldest kids and it was torture. I was so dizzy everytime I rolled and looked at the numbers and helping the kids add up their points each time was so hard. I get this dizzy nauseous spinning carsick feeling just from shifting my eyes from one thing to another, just in general.
Today I didn't take my lamictal with my other meds this morning and I have had NO dizziness/headache/vertigo stuff or nausea. I've had a headache off and on for a bit today but I think that my body isn't happy I didn't take one of my meds today. They need taken at the same time everyday and if I don't take them for a couple hrs. I feel funny.
Dr. B. wants me to take it at night from now on and see how that does for a bit. I'm still working my way up to the normal dose of 200mg a day, right now I'm only at 50mg/day. I can't imagine how badly I'll feel once I'm upped again in a week to 100mg. I'm really hoping that by taking it at night I'll sleep through the worst of the symptoms. Dr. B. said if that doesn't work then we will have to switch to a different med.
PLEASE PLEASE pray that it works. I really don't want to switch again, it's really hard coming off stuff and going on new stuff.
But also please pray that my body continues to get use to this medicine. The vertigo/headache stuff I have been having is REALLY miserable and lasts ALL day.
Yesterday Marc and I were able to really talk and it was so good for me to be able to share some of my fears and feelings with him. Crying is a fairly new emotion for me, but it's become a comfort in some ways. It's good to be able to get out saddness when I need to.
I've had feelings about Marc and the kids. I worry that the kids will remember their Mommy sleeping a lot, and not being there for them. Marc reminded me that this is temporary, it's ok if it takes the next 5 months to get healthy and be better, it will mean years ahead that I will be able to be who I want for the kids, and who they need. I have a hard time right now being ok with this process. I just want everything perfect right now and feel so bad about myself that I can't get there. I know God is the only one that can heal me, and I know He's in control and He IS working. He IS giving me strength and love for my kids, and He is going to make me well again. I have to accept that It's a constant work of grace and not something I can "do" and move on. It hurts my heart that I'm not always well. I've also felt bad that I'm not the same person for Marc as when we married. I sure don't look as pretty, as thin, and my mind/heart isn't as "happy" as I was then. I was able to voice some inaccurate fears about thinking he won't want me or he will get tired of me etc.
He so tenderly recited our vows to me, and reminded me of the song he wrote me and what is written in our wedding bands "UNTIL FOREVER". He is so precious and so strong and His love for me is so reflective of Jesus.
I've been talking to Jesus a lot; I have to constantly intentionally give my mind, my heart, and my soul over to Him. I've been so selfish and in control of my life for so long. I want Him to help me crucify my flesh, and I want Him to fill me with His love and righteousness and grace. I have to learn to allow Him to help me to show MYSELF this love and grace first, before I can really extend it to the people I love.
So it's a process, and it's hard, and it hurts, but in some ways it's good. I'm trusting that God will and does bring good out of things for those who love Him and are called according to His purposes. I want to be His completely.
Tonight I'm going to a new Bible Study that is just starting that Beth C. is leading. I'm really really excited about it. It's a study of Acts 17 and 1 and 2 Thessalonians that is titled
"Abounding Love and Exceedingly Growing Faith" 2 Thessalonians 1:3
Beth's teaching is amazing and I'm hungry for Jesus. ;O)