surrendering

This blog entry was from a couple years ago and I never published it. Again, it's wonderful to look back and see progress, and good to see places I still need to surrender. Surrendering is a life-long process, a gift that keeps us drawing off of Jesus.

The daily giving up of self, of expectations, of wants, of desires, it requires the sacrifice of one's self. It means we choose to have faith that God will give us what we need and that He will be enough for us. It means we agree with Him deep down in our spirit, we take Him at His Word, We trust Him to be the Truth. We allow HIS timing, His breaking, His Choosing, His Will. It means all of us, for all of Him.

We all have been knit together in our mother's wombs, woven together beautifully by our Maker. We enter this world fresh from Jesus. We have no knowledge of pain, no reason to fear, we are fully dependent, fully relient, fully surrendered to one's care.

Some of us grow up in an enviroment of safety, covered with security and love. Others grow up tossed around from place to place, never knowing who we are and from where we came. We grow up in a world of neglect, rejection, and pain. Many of us grow up being loved with strings attached. If we can't measure up, can't meet expectations, can't do things just right, we believe that aren't worthy of acceptance and love.

Many become paralyzed by fear: fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of being found out, fear of not being good enough, fear of never being loved.

Many never get past the fear. Those that go through life buying into the lies that say we can't trust, we can't allow ourselves to get close, we can't let down our guard, we can't be exposed, We must stand proud.
We play it safe, we cover up, we push all the pain and rejection way down inside so that we won't have to experience getting hurt again. We focus on always staying in control so as to never play the fool.

Often many of us don't get much further than just mumbling words that sound right, taking pride in our ability to have faith and keep things together. . we walk aimless playing the part, showing the "pretty" yet all the while dying inside.

Why surrender to a God who requires the breaking open, the drudging up of old hurts. A God who want us to expose the ugly, bow down low in humility, give up our rights, face fears and lies. We fail to realize that in the exposure and the surrender we can find freedom.

When we press into Jesus we resist satan. When we focus our sight on Jesus we loose sight of satan. When we choose His truth we walk in the land of the living.

I've lived a life of much fear. I've allowed my fear, my flesh, my pride to rule my life; The fear of not wanting others to see my weakness and brokeness, the fear of wanting others approval, the pride of wanting to look good and appear put together, and my deep fear of rejection and failure.

I've been stuffing down pain for years. I have lived the lie that says it's better and easier to stuff down and cover up the yuck than to push through it with Jesus and allow the breaking. Carrying those hurts around has not only hurt me, it has hurt the ones I love. I've operated out of fear instead of truth. I took the feelings of those experiences and carried them through life. I didn't allow Jesus to walk through them with me and expose the lies to bring healing to move on. I clutched my heart tight, trying to resist more pain, and in that gripping of my heart, I rejected love. Jesus didn't have a place to come in and shine his light on those dark places. I've carried those hurts along with me as I've grown.

I'm in the breaking process. The choosing and allowing Jesus to walk me through and find the truth, contiously resisting the covering up and pulling back. If I had allowed myself to experience the hurts with Jesus as they came I wouldn't be bound by lies. I've continued to function under those lies. I haven't been embracing grace. I haven't looked at myself from God's view. Satan loves to keep us bound up in the past. It insures that he will continue to have his way with us and it keeps us bound and walking out the lies. It causes me to look at life with false realities. It's robbed the ones I love the most. I haven't been real, I haven't allowed Jesus to walk me through things from His point of view. In the closing up I've thought it's better to cover up the yuck and close off.

God wants us our surrender to Him and take Him at His Word so He can do the opening. He wants our surrender so He can do the breaking, He wants our surrender so He can do the building again. He wants our surrender so He can take broken and make beautiful.